Handy Dandy Republican Primary Presidential Cheat Sheet Crib Notes Voting Guide

Deciding is hard. Now you don’t have to!

The social scientists of the Abyss have been hard at work putting together the following guide to help you make sense of this confusing Republic primary. Should you vote for Mitt? Newt? Who the hell knows?

Now you do. Simply follow this chart and everything will turn out fine.

Thinking is hard and overrated. So don’t try.

You’re welcome!

5 responses

  1. For a second I thought I read the “socialist scientists” at the Abyss 😉

    More categories: Foreign language. Mitt speaks fluent French from his mission days. One of his son’s speaks fluent Spanish, probably from his mission days. Gingrich scrambles Spanish. Another category: post-graduate degrees, Mitt received J.D. and M.B.A. degrees from Harvard. Newt has M.A. and Ph.D. degrees from Tulane University.

    I always thought that this fact about Newt was kind of freaky.
    “In 1962, he married Jackie Battley, his former high school geometry teacher, when he was 19 years old and she was 26.” So that’s where he got his passion for love triangles. I wonder when that romance started. Hmmm. 😦


    1. I see many flaws in my image. I doubt I’ll ever work up the energy to fix them. 🙂

      Thanks for the bonus categories. That’s awesome!

      I forgot the “Beltway Insider” category. That would have given Mitt another green check mark.

      Beltway Insider: Goes to Mitt because he’s not as familiar with the place as Newt.
      Foreign Language: Mitt
      Post-Graduated Degrees: Newt with his Ph.D?


  2. Hmm… you should throw a trained chimp into the mix and see how it turns out.


    1. My guess? A three-way tie!

      So yeah, Newt couldn’t compete in Florida. He’s doomed. You can’t win the presidency if you can’t compete in Florida. He needs to hang it up already and let Romney go up against Obama and take one for the team.


  3. Yeah! I gave the checkmark for taxes to the right candidate. I think.

    From the Christian Science Monitor:

    “Romney’s tax plan really does favor the rich

    Romney’s tax plan is not for the middle class. In fact, high-income households would win big and poor families would actually fare worse.”

    Great. Just what we need to make America great again. An even bigger gap between the haves and the have nots. Brilliant.


Bringeth forth thy pith and vinegar

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