Regurgitated Newt
Way back in March 2011, long before the re-election of Barack Obama, I put my finger on the pulse of America and declared, “Stinky!”
Moments later, in my own inimitable manner, I also called the race for Newt Gingrich. So sorry. Thanks for playing. We’ve got some lovely parting gifts for you.
Of course Newt did not heed my portends and decided to give it ye olde college try. We all know how that turned out. It’s now part of our collective history.
Today’s regurgitated offerings are a look back at my presidential prognostication abilities. Feel free to Monday-morning quarterback my analysis all you want. It won’t change the results.
And, in a rare flash of brilliance and insight, I even made my own photoshop for the post matching current-day Newt with his great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great grandchild. It turns out that one of the women he slept with was an alien. And that led to a few problems for Captain Kirk.
I was practically infallible in the 2012 presidential race. I even did way, way better than Turd Blossom. Click the link below to revisit my humble greatness.
[Guest Post] 2012 The Year in Respew
This year, rather than post the same “hey look at me!” crapola found on every other WordPress blog (no offense intended) I decided to do something different. I asked my wife to share her favorite blog posts from 2012 and offer commentary. Her detailed remarks, verbatim quotations, and links to her hand-selected posts are found under the video below.
Enjoy!
-Ed
Quantum of Grimace: Abyss 2012 Christmas Gift Guide
Back after a one-year hiatus it’s the Shouts From The Abyss 2012 Christmas Gift Giving Guide! I know you’ve all been waiting with baited breath to see what’s at the top of my list so let’s dive right in. Is that okay with you, Sugarplum?
I promise it’ll be more fun than a black hole.
Continue reading →
The Mitt Stand Romney
Click Me. But if your name is Alice you can Eat Me.
What does it mean to take a stand on principle? A stand where you say, “Not here. Not now. Not today. This far, no further! The line must be drawn here!!”
And then, a day later, you say, “Oh, what the hell. Give it to me.”
That is sooooooo inspiring! I feel the power of goodness coursing through my veins just because you allow me to bask in your greatness. Right up to the point where you expose it as a lie.
AHHHHHHH!!!
Mitt Romney is so darn moral, he once opted-out of a big financial deal because it involved Artisan Entertainment and they produced, gasp, R-rated films! (Source.)
Yes, that is truly inspiring.
Continue reading →
Handy Dandy Republican Primary Presidential Cheat Sheet Crib Notes Voting Guide
Deciding is hard. Now you don’t have to!
The social scientists of the Abyss have been hard at work putting together the following guide to help you make sense of this confusing Republic primary. Should you vote for Mitt? Newt? Who the hell knows?
Now you do. Simply follow this chart and everything will turn out fine.
Thinking is hard and overrated. So don’t try.
You’re welcome!
Romney Strikes Back
Image source: Wikipedia
A PolitShort Quickie from the Abyss…
You remember Mitt Romney, don’t you?
Oh yeah, he’s the guy who’s first commercial of his 2012 presidential campaign went after Obama using a misleading quote taken out of context.
So, you might ask: What’s he up to these days?
According to an email sent by Gail Gitcho, his Director of Communications, he’s upset that Obama took a poke right back at him. Whaaa!
Yep. “They’re at it again,” she says. President Obama and his “Democrat allies” are running a “kill Romney campaign.” Really? Let’s not mince words or exaggerate, eh? Get the word “kill” in there.
The fact that Obama ran an anti-Romney ad 344 days before the presidential elections proves, they say, that that Obama is worried about losing to Romney.
The Romney campaign laments the “negative attacks” against Obama’s “greatest threat,” Mitt Romney.
Continue reading →
2012: Logo Obama vs Logo Romney
It’s winner take all in this battle of the presidential wannabe logos:
 Barack Obama |
 Mitt Romney |
Obama wins by a landslide!
I’m being unbiased and open-minded as hell when I declare Obama as the winner in this battle of the logos! I mean, come on, Mitt! What the fuck is that thing?
Tom’s Law #42
A logo similar to one I could make myself is a failure.
I was racking my brain. Where in the name of Zeus’ butthole have I seen that logo before?
Aquafresh
Oh yeah! That’s where. It doesn’t feel very “presidential” to have a logo that’s reminiscent of toothpaste, but maybe that’s just me. Mitt is minty fresh! “Minty Romney.” Yeah, I like the sound of that.
Dubya, Barry and Minty. Sounds like a freak presidential version of the Pep Boys.
But wait. There is still some other nagging feeling about that logo. What could it be?
Carnival Cruise Lines
Oh yeah. That’s it.
“Okay, Mitt. Here’s the deal. We came up with a bunch of logos for you to choose from. Remember, this is critical. Which one do you like?”
“I’m rather partial to the one that looks like a blurry, pathetically fat ‘R’. R is for Romney. Get it?”
“Oh, God.”
If the logo is any indication of Romney’s decision making skills, I can guarantee we do not want him to be president. Ever.
Other Wannabe Logos
Note: I visited the websites of some people who have campaigns and attempted to locate their “logos.” The images I found (shown below) may or may not officially be “logos.” It’s not like they offer them up on a silver platter as an easy download for my convenience. I apologize in advance for any logo misrepresentation. I did my best!
Sarah Palin – As a candidate who hasn’t announced yet, she’s still a no show in this department. When it finally does pop on the scene, I’m sure it will have eagles and mountains, amber waves of grain, and be fruited all across the plains. It may also have a book, crosshairs, helicopter and/or a bus.
Rick Santorum
Meh. Not much to see here. Yes, it does have an eagle, but the colors are off and I could have made something even better. Take one letter of your name and substitute it with something that looks like that letter. That is so Google.
Ron Paul
Another eagle. The colors are better, and it has a more official look. Meh. Use a fancy thing known as a “font” and flourish up a single letter. Now that is what I call design.
Jimmy McMillan
The graphic designer costs must also be too damn high! This is actually my favorite. Go, Jimmy, go!
Tim Pawlenty
This one feels so deco. And just a hint of American flag. That is subtle and works on levels. Also, he boldly explores the seldom used red, white and blue color scheme. That is daring and shows outside-the-box thinking. Personally, though, if I was running for president I’d go with green and blue.
Newt Gingrich
This logo was actually designed to Newt’s exacting standards. “I want red, white and blue.” (Of course.) “Also, put a wavy red thing and a star somewhere.” Also noteworthy: No last name. Newt thinks he is on par with Cher, Madonna and Sting. Ego much?
Michele Bachmann
I’ve actually seen signs for city council that far surpassed this one. The only interesting thing here is that the “H” is trying to flash us. Another example of single-letter-flourish “design.” No eagle, either. Is she anti-American? Perhaps she could add a turkey to set herself apart. That was Benjamin Franklin’s choice for our national bird, after all.
Shouts from the Abyss 
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