How to destroy your employees

There goes an employee!

Being the boss is a hard job, but someone has to do it. Sure, it looks like fun, which is why secretly we’re all jealous. We all want to be the boss. But if you aren’t extremely careful you might do something nice, like build up your employees, or accidentally treat a lower-down with dignity and humanity.

Being the boss means you have to be ever diligent.

Sure, a lot of countries still allow employers to legally kill their employees, and you can certainly take that route, if you wish. But be honest. There isn’t much sport in giving an employee a love tap with a Luger to the skull. Real destruction takes a little more finesse and effort. Most employees have the potential to be worthy prey. Why waste that potential on a mere head shot?

There is no real right or wrong way to destroy an employee. What is most important to remember is be creative and make it fun!

The purpose of this guide is to provide some basic tools to ensure that you can destroy those lowly motherfuckers that work for you efficiently and without pity, sorrow or remorse. Never forget: You’ve got a company to run into the ground!

  • Call frequent staff meetings to inform employees that you don’t make a profit and you don’t get “paid.” (And remember, the shiny new BMW parked out front doesn’t count because that comes from the owner’s equity account.)
  • Remind employees daily that any mistakes they make will come out of their paychecks.
  • Teach employees your various paperwork schemes that you use to cheat on your taxes. (One receipt system for cash, one for credit cards, etc.)
  • Expect your employees to personally invest themselves and care about your business when doing so will only subject them to more of your bullshit and never line their pockets with a single coin.
  • Refuse to run the heater in winter and the air-conditioner in summer.
  • If your employees take breaks at their desks pester them repeatedly while they are on their own personal time.
  • Change up payday often for no particular reason at all. Most of your employees probably live hand to mouth and this can cause hilarious things like bounced check fees as they struggle to juggle their finances.
  • Make discipline a “fun time” by doing it in front of as many other employees as possible.
  • Share information that is important with as few people as possible. You want employees to be surprised when they find out information that is vital to the performance of their job. If they dare to ask about it, always respond, “Oh. Didn’t I tell you?”
  • When one employee does something wrong, make all employees sign a related-addendum to the employee handbook as soon as possible. If your handbook weighs under 200 pounds you are not doing it right.
  • Repeatedly stress that you are under absolutely no obligation to grant days off requests.
  • Force employees to stay late and do not compensate them for those extra minutes. Conversely, if an employee clocks in one minute late at the start of shift or when returning from lunch dock their pay by one-quarter hour.
  • Discourage employee suggestions to improve your company and when appropriate reject them outright after only a few seconds of thought. Adopt employee suggestions as infrequently as possible. In the rare situation where you decide to adopt a suggestion, be sure to stress it was completely your idea.
  • Force employees to attend work-related “team building” functions on their own time and off the clock. Toy with them by saying the functions are optional but it will be extremely bad for them if they choose to not attend. Remember, threats are your friend.
  • Discipline for a behavior then personally flaunt that exact same behavior in front of the employee.
  • If an employee seeks positive reinforcement always respond by telling them, “That’s your job.”
  • Remind employees as often as possible that they work in an “at will” state and can be fired at any time for no reason at all.
  • Do not schedule regular performance appraisals. If you do give an appraisal, make it mandatory that negative items must be included.
  • Tell employees that you want them to be “proactive” and think “outside the box” then micromanage and fiddle with, to the umpteenth degree, every single thing they do. Make them change everything.
  • Find out the tasks that each employee hates the most then change things around so that the hated task is the primary focus of their job.
  • Give out raises every three years or so but under no circumstances exceed two percent.
  • Hound your employees many times per day with questions like “what are you working on?” and “what are you doing?” Demand time estimates on everything they do.
  • Require employees to use their personal vehicles on company business but do not compensate them for their time or mileage.
  • Make employees deal with your personal issues as part of their job, such as handling your dry cleaning or calling the cable company to schedule your appointments.
  • Allow employees to personally witness the various ways that you lie, cheat and steal within your business.
  • Charge top dollar for every gold nugget you poop out of your ass but brag to your employees how you bully other companies and businesses into giving you unreasonable and outrageous discounts.
  • Do not acknowledge the efforts of employees when you assign them additional work load.
  • Make nebulous references to “bonuses” then force your employees to attend a Christmas “party” where you then distribute $50 WalMart gift cards.

If you’ve done your job properly, no one but the most pathetic of employees should remain. You know the type – those that equate their self-worth to be on par with poop. Then you get the satisfaction of feeding your ego, interviewing for new prey, and starting the process all over again. It’s a never-ending cycle of fun.

Now go enjoy the good life that only comes to those who truly deserve what they’ve got.

26 responses

  1. Love the public discipline thing, Upper eschelon at my shop going in for that heavily. Somehow, they dont understand why people are friustrated.

    Still, you have it bad…that guy raises incompetent supervision to a new level.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Heh. Well, I do make it sound pretty bad, don’t I?

      Sorry to hear about the public discipline. That is a tried-and-true morale buster. 😦

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Hey, heat and air conditioning are expensive. Has Ebenezer Scrooge taught us nothing?

    Liked by 1 person

  3. This post, while funny, is making me hate your job for you! 😦

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Thanks for the comments. 🙂

    This was going to be a “five things” list and then it grew into a “Top 10” list and then like a little Energizer bunny it just kept going and going …

    It’s a good topic to mine. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  5. […] company puts unreasonable demands on employees. (See my previous post: How to destroy your employees.) One such demand is that you are forced to attend off-duty functions, unpaid and on your own time. […]

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  6. Posted you on my comments! Your blog is GREAT ! Yes, we have a lot in common! Joinnig your subscription now – it help me get through the day! Keep up the great stuff!

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Love the part about micromanagement. I have so lived that.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks so much for the comment, Gertie! The degree of micromanagement we live with here where I work is pathological. 🙂

      Welcome to the blogosphere. I checked out your blog and you are off to a fantastic start! 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  8. My last job was every word!!!!! I was so happy to be laid off. Isn’t that sad!!. Especially the “out of the box thinking” and watching your every move and asking what are you doing every five minutes. UGH life is short fire your boss!!!

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Hi Christy! Thanks for the comment. I’m glad you found escape.

    My plan of escape may turn out to be Mama Compensation. Here it is, one of the best videos ever made!

    Video: Kids in the Hall: Mama Compensation.

    Liked by 1 person

  10. […] previously wrote a post entitled “How to destroy your employees.” It’s about the place I work and is probably one of my favorite things I’ve ever […]

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  11. […] to make a profit. One might, but one would be wrong. What’s he’s actually out to do is destroy his employees. He’s doing a damn fine job of it and pissing off customers at the same time. In our business […]

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  12. […] employees, excerpt, game changer, harass, job, misdirection, office, surprise, trifecta, work 0 How to Destroy Your Employees by Tom B. Taker Shouts from the Abyss Publishing, 2009-2010 Click here for more information about […]

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  13. […] morning he assigned me one. If your goal is to Destroy Your Employees you can’t be just all willy nilly about it. Using task assignments to damage, confuse and […]

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  14. […] failure and putting your ineptness on display is a great way to demoralize and destroy your employees. Well done, Mr. […]

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  15. […] and/or completely without value. I am so proud to be the #1 result in Google for the phrase, “How to Destroy Your Employees.” This post also introduces my reader to a personal dream of mine that has become the arching […]

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  16. […] of things about this process. It cleverly makes use of many of the principles set forth in my book, How To Destroy Your Employees. At each step of the process the boss is reinforced as the only one smart enough to decide […]

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  17. […] –Excerpt, How To Destroy Your Employees, by Tom B. Taker, 2010 […]

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  18. […] How brilliant is that? That’s marketing genius! Always emphasize to the customer the stupidity of the staff. Sure, it may hurt the bottom line, but at least you threw some of your employees under the bus. (For more good times read my book, How To Destroy Your Employees.) […]

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  19. […] Priced as marked | S… on How to destroy your emplo… […]

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  20. Reblogged this on Shouts from the Abyss and commented:

    I had big plans to make this post into a book. If it has enough pages it would make a serviceable blunt instrument. Killing two birds with one tome!

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  21. This made me hurt. Boo.

    Liked by 1 person

  22. Coming to this quite late, obviously, but there is a lot of truth to this.

    My former employers were like this. Not the people in the store, but upper management (a lot of the area managers, folks in head office) didn’t live in the real world. They didn’t seem to grasp the simple concept that cutting hours for staff won’t yield greater productivity from those who are left. Their ignorance and stupidity is destroying that company, making me all the more grateful I am out of there.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Never too late! The more, the merrier. Thanks for the confirmation, too. I had a feeling I was on to something!

      Liked by 2 people

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