Das Gloat
Obviously those are grapes of wrath.
No, I will not gloat. I remember the dark times. So this is an opposite post. Today I offer a message of hope and caring to my friends on the other side of the aisle. Oh shit. Yet another political post. I apologize in advance. Just like my bladder, I’m unable to control myself.
It’s always darkest before the dawn. Fortunately dawn only comes every 24 hours. Actually, every 23-1/2 if we assume dawn is about a 30-minute process. That’s a lot of darkness.
–Tom B. Taker
Breaking news: Barack Obama won the election. White people, of course, loved the wealthy elderly white guy. Obama did worse with that bunch than even Michael Dukakis. (He ran for president in a losing effort in 1988. It’s true, look it up.) Meanwhile the non-whites in America basically all went for the other guy. This group includes blacks, Latinos, college students, educated professionals, gays and lesbians, and last but not least, Asian-Americans.
If you’re a Romney voter I want you to know that I understand how you feel. I’ve been there, done that. 2004 anyone? I truly understand that feeling of dispair and hopelessness. But my speciality is bringing the good times so here’s a few positive things to remember:
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Politics in Tweets: Electorals go to College
I find that I’m unable to skip the politics today. I shall endeavor to be brief.
Obama was working out at the gym. Romney was giving the rowing machine a good go. He glanced over at Obama with his shirt off and said, “Dude. Nice electorals.”
That’s the cue. It’s time for another bit of inciteful political analysis from the Abyss.
The Electoral College as it stands right now, Wednesday morning, is Obama 303, Romney 206 with Florida (29) still up for grabs.
My prediction back on Sept. 9, 2012, was Obama 304 and Romney 234. If Florida breaks for Romney this may be one of the most accurate presidential prognostications of all time. And I did it two months out.
Let’s review how my prediction happened. First up a link to the proof to verify my claim.
Don’t Look Now (It Ain’t Mitt Romney)
Who will pay his fair share of tax?
Who will shoot straight with all the facts?
Who’ll watch out for even you and me?
Don’t look now, it ain’t Mitt Romney.
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Master Debater
The first presidential debate. The tie situation is secure.
Right after watching the third and final presidential debate I turned to my wife and said, “Just you wait. Both sides will claim victory.”
And that was before I’d heard even a single pundit tell me how to think. Yeah, I did it all by my own self.
That establishes my cred. You may now read the rest of this post with confidence. I have dubbed myself the Master Debater and I’m going to share it all with you. You’ll see.
This is my insightful analysis of the debates and I promise it will be my own style of unique coverage. I’ll cover the angles that the rest of the so-called “experts” somehow missed. Let’s get right to it.
I’d like to thank WordPress for hosting this post and myself for inviting me. The Abyss is a lovely place. It’s a pleasure to be here.
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Humble Lie Pie: How The Presidency Was Won
For today’s science experiment I wanted data to support a hypothesis: Mitt Romney isn’t a very honest person.
Methodology: I did an existing data study to produce the pie chart graph shown on the right. The data set consisted of the last 20 “Truth-O-Meter” responses to statements by Mitt Romney as evaluated by PolitiFact.com.
I did not “cherry pick” the source data. I merely used the 20 most recent statements by Mitt Romney at the moment I happened to look. I then counted each type of rating and produced the chart.
Additional analysis and source data is provided after the jump.
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Got Nothing? “The Other Guy Sucks”
Old man chauffeured in harsh sunlight.
Hey, Mitt Romney. Whatcha doin’?
“Coasting to the White House.”
Is that anything like sailing the waters off the coast of Somalia? Watch out for pirates.
I guess there are a couple of ways you can go about getting to the White House. One is to have better ideas than your opponent. To challenge your opponent in the marketplace of ideas with a superior product.
Another might be a buoyant leadership and spirit of charisma.
There’s yet another way, though. The Romney way. The Wall Street Journal called it “coasting.” I’ve previously referred to it as Backin’ Up. Recently conservative pundit Bill Kristol lamented that the Romney campaign won’t come out with specifics about economic growth, deficit reform, health care reform, tax reform and replacing Dodd-Frank. He accused the Romney campaign of believing, “No need for any of that.”
A headline on the Huffington Post claims, “Mitt Romney Taking Heat From Prominent Republicans Over Play-It-Safe Approach.”
An article on Time.com noted that Romney, in pursuit of the presidency, is being “vague.”
Methinks I’m noticing a trend.
Oh Willard! Where Art Thou?
Age of presidents when assuming office approximately follows a bell curve (mean age marked by red line). Source: Wikipedia
Psst. Don’t tell anyone, but I know a little something the Mitt Romney campaign doesn’t want a lot of people to know. And, unlike them, I have no scruples about sharing it.
The cat is old.
I don’t mean “old” in the sense that it’s time for the rockin’ chair. I mean “old” in presidential terms.
Willard Mitt Romney was born March 12, 1947. He’s 65 years old.
Look at the clues. Fact #1: His name is Willard. Normally at this point I’d say, “I rest my case.” But I want to blather on for a bit more.
Exclusive: Abyss scientists have calculated that the first name “Willard” ranked 124.8 in popularity in the United States during the years 1880 through 1946. Mitt’s parents, by selecting the name Willard, simply went along with a trend of the times.
Since Mitt was born, however, the name has taken a beating. The first name “Willard” has dropped in popularity to a whopping rank of 491.2. (Based on years 1947 through 1989, the last year for which data is available.)
No wonder he goes by the name Mitt. He single-handedly made the name uncool. (See below for the graph I made. The higher the bar, the less popular the ranking of the name.)
Keep reading for much much more exclusive presidential election coverage from the Abyss. Did I mention this coverage is exclusive? No one else would think up shit like this.
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Shouts from the Abyss 
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