Elvis lyrics translated into English
The lucky sperm about to penetrate the ovum.
I have decided, as a pubic service, to run some Elvis Presley lyrics through the universal translator. I hope you enjoy these as if hearing them for the first time.
Doubt my qualifications? Don’t. I was literally married under a velvet painting of Elvis in the Graceland Wedding Chapel, Las Vegas, Nevada. (But not to my wife, mind you.) I’m qualified enough.
Now bring on the big romantic ballads…
It’s Now Or Never
It’s now or never
(Daddy is in the mood)
Come hold me tight
(I will direct the action)
Kiss me my darling
(This had better be good)
Be mine tonight
(This will decidedly not be a long-term relationship)
Tomorrow will be too late
(Parts of me are feeling blue)
It’s now or never
(No promises after the booze wears off)
My love won’t wait
(There’s a BP situation in my pants)
Wasn’t that fun? Are you feeling all romantic? Make the jump and let’s do one more.
Continue reading →
Handy Dandy Republican Primary Presidential Cheat Sheet Crib Notes Voting Guide
Deciding is hard. Now you don’t have to!
The social scientists of the Abyss have been hard at work putting together the following guide to help you make sense of this confusing Republic primary. Should you vote for Mitt? Newt? Who the hell knows?
Now you do. Simply follow this chart and everything will turn out fine.
Thinking is hard and overrated. So don’t try.
You’re welcome!
The gallant crew of the U.S.S. Fluffy Tail
Another morning, another blog post not even started yet. Now I face a choice. Wear clean clothes to work or write on the blog.
Hello dirty clothes!
Plumb out of ideas, I asked my wife for a random topic. She said, “cats.” So here we go!
In space no one can hear you meow…
Ship’s Log, U.S.S. Fluffy Tail. Stardate 3.1415 rounded off to the nearest decimal point. We’re proceeding dangerously close to the neutral zone on our mission to map gaseous anomalies in sector Felinictus. So far no sign of Dog vessels. Meanwhile, my engineer says we’re running low on milk…
The attack came out of no where. We had no warning. As the ship rattled I sprang from the ready room to the bridge.
“Report!” I demanded.
There was no answer. I turned to find Commander Morris, Science Officer. “Dammit, cat, what the hell do the scanners show?” Continue reading →
Shouts from the Abyss 
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