Tag Archives: newt

Regurgitated Newt

Way back in March 2011, long before the re-election of Barack Obama, I put my finger on the pulse of America and declared, “Stinky!”

Moments later, in my own¬†inimitable¬†manner, I also called the race for Newt Gingrich. So sorry. Thanks for playing. We’ve got some lovely parting gifts for you.

Of course Newt did not heed my portends and decided to give it ye olde college try. We all know how that turned out. It’s now part of our collective history.

Today’s regurgitated offerings are a look back at my presidential prognostication abilities. Feel free to Monday-morning quarterback my analysis all you want. It won’t change the results.

And, in a rare flash of brilliance and insight, I even made my own photoshop for the post matching current-day Newt with his great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great grandchild. It turns out that one of the women he slept with was an alien. And that led to a few problems for Captain Kirk.

I was practically infallible in the 2012 presidential race. I even did way, way better than Turd Blossom. Click the link below to revisit my humble greatness.

I of Newt

Rush to judgement

Yes, it is finally here. My take on the Rush Limbaugh flip flap. I’m sure the media has come up with a more official name for the controversy, but honestly, I’m too tired to go look.
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Handy Dandy Republican Primary Presidential Cheat Sheet Crib Notes Voting Guide

Deciding is hard. Now you don’t have to!

The social scientists of the Abyss have been hard at work putting together the following guide to help you make sense of this confusing Republic primary. Should you vote for Mitt? Newt? Who the hell knows?

Now you do. Simply follow this chart and everything will turn out fine.

Thinking is hard and overrated. So don’t try.

You’re welcome!

Did you hear the one about the virus?

These two viruses (virii?) walk into a bar…

Okay, okay. Wait, wait!

Knock knock. Who’s there? A virus. A virus who? Newt Gingrich!

Dammit. That doesn’t work, either.

A priest, a rabbi and a virus are floating in a boat…

No, no, no, no!

Take my virus, please.

Aw, fuck it. I guess there will be no humor in this post. Don’t blame me. I tried!
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Scientists discover Google

In the spirit of Don’t Be Evil, I’ve got something to say.
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Termination Tuesday – The Sweet 16 – Week 5

Click to enlarge

Congratulations, everybody! We’re officially half-way through the Sweet 16. I guess that explains why I’m draggin’ and feel dead on my feet.

Yeah, a pun about dying. You know this shit is fun.

Last week was a squeaker with Electrocution giving Hypothermia the cold shoulder. I’d say it was shocking, but that would be one pun too many.

This week features a gonzo marquee match-up. Therefore our advertising rates have tripled. This is the one most of you have been waiting for. Even the bookies in Las Vegas are refusing to issue odds – and that’s sacrilege! Yep, sitting this one out is a clear sign this will be a fierce contest. Or maybe they just had too much meat at the city-wide 24-hour all-you-can-eat buffet?
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Hyppo and Critter: My guy vs. your guy #FamilyValues