Just in time for the holidays…

Is the holiday season making your spirits too bright? If you find yourself feeling goodwill towards men, this new classic holiday CD might just help. Pop it in the old music machine and shatter some peace on Earth, won’t you?

Deck your fellow man instead of those pesky halls!

Not available in any stores!

Now how much would you pay?

Only 24 easy payments of $2.99. Operators are standing by. Don’t visit the Shopping Maul and punch women in the face just for the chance to own this fabulous bit of Christmas musical history. Ordering factory direct from China is available on our pimped out web site.

Come on! Step up and order today, but only if you’ve got the jingle balls to make a consumption decision that will change your life — forever! (All sales final.)

Includes classic downer hits like:

• Christmas at Ground Zero
• Please, Daddy (Don’t Get Drunk This Christmas)
• Red Water (Christmas Mourning)
• Santa Claus is Coming to Town?
• A Long December
• Merry Fucking Christmas
• Walking Round in Women’s Underwear
• If We Make it Through December
• Offensive Bonus – Kung Pao Buckaroo Holiday
• Hyppo’s Bonus Pick – I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas
• Critter’s Bonus Pick – A Cat Carol

Critics fucking rave:

It’s a breadth of freth aire.
—Some guy we paid who consented to us paraphrasing his words

And…

Songs from the Abyss cured my holiday cheer in no time at all!
—Grandmother Taker (shortly before her most recent stroke)

And…

That’s 45 minutes of my life I’ll never get back and I couldn’t be happier!
—Our recording engineer

I hope you’ll enjoy these timeless Christmas classics as my precious gift to you. Ho ho ho.