Pharma-size Me
Before I begin, let me just say this: It was nice knowin’ y’all! 🙂
I have decided on my next ambitious project. It is based on the simple premise that what is advertised on television must be good for you.
Those of us in the United States are lucky enough to be in one of only two countries in the world where “direct to consumer” (DTC) advertising of prescription medications is legal. (The other being New Zealand.)
New Zealand legalized DTC advertising of prescription medications in 1981 and the United States followed suit in 1997. (Source: Wikipedia.)
The goal for my project is simple. To consume as many prescription drugs as I can for 30 days and document what happens. And let the chips fall where they may!
I have to be honest. When I see those commercials for prescription drugs on television, I’m very curious about the endless litany of “side effects” that get mentioned. I began to wonder: Can these be stacked up for even greater effect?
I decided to find out!
To keep things fair, this little experiment will be restricted to only those medications that are advertised on television. I imagine that will force me to make some hard choices from a selection of only a few thousand different drugs. (That’s just a guess.)
I’m especially looking forward to seeing what happens when the drugs are combined in new and interesting ways. The technical term for this is “interactions.” Aw, heck. Interactions? That doesn’t sound like anything too bad! Sign me up!
So look out Cialis and Ambien. You, too, Viagra and Lipitor! I’m coming for you. Watch your back, Zoloft. I’m gonna eat you up!
Our modern society in the United States is the most heavily medicated civilization of all time. American children are three times more likely to be put on psychotropic drugs than children in Europe. (Source: ScienceDaily.) And I’ve heard that medicated drivers are a “far worse” problem than drunk drivers. (Source: NaturalNews.com) It it high time for me to get with the program and find out about what I’ve been missing!
For the conditions of my experiment, I’ll consume three random prescription medications three times a day (with breakfast, lunch, and dinner).
For bonus excitement there will be a “Dead Pool” running on the side. Pick the day I die and win fun prizes!
Abyss Presents: 2010 Gift Giving Guide Part 1
More fun and exciting unique gift ideas coming soon…
A Very Abyss Christmas
Just in time for the holidays…
Is the holiday season making your spirits too bright? If you find yourself feeling goodwill towards men, this new classic holiday CD might just help. Pop it in the old music machine and shatter some peace on Earth, won’t you?
Deck your fellow man instead of those pesky halls!
Not available in any stores!
Now how much would you pay?
Only 24 easy payments of $2.99. Operators are standing by. Don’t visit the Shopping Maul and punch women in the face just for the chance to own this fabulous bit of Christmas musical history. Ordering factory direct from China is available on our pimped out web site.
Come on! Step up and order today, but only if you’ve got the jingle balls to make a consumption decision that will change your life — forever! (All sales final.)
Includes classic downer hits like:
- Christmas at Ground Zero
- Please, Daddy (Don’t Get Drunk This Christmas)
- Red Water (Christmas Mourning)
- Santa Claus is Coming to Town?
- A Long December
- Merry Fucking Christmas
- Walking Round in Women’s Underwear
- If We Make it Through December
- Offensive Bonus – Kung Pao Buckaroo Holiday
- Hyppo’s Bonus Pick – I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas
- Critter’s Bonus Pick – A Cat Carol
Critics fucking rave:
It’s a breadth of freth aire.
—Some guy we paid who consented to us paraphrasing his words
And…
Songs from the Abyss cured my holiday cheer in no time at all!
—Grandmother Taker (shortly before her most recent stroke)
And…
That’s 45 minutes of my life I’ll never get back and I couldn’t be happier!
—Our recording engineer
I hope you’ll enjoy these timeless Christmas classics as my precious gift to you. Ho ho ho.
How to hang Christmas lights
I may be an atheist but I still love Christmas.
I like this time of year. I enjoy Christmas cheer. I was standing out on the street in front of my house the other night waiting for my wife to pick me up and take me out to dinner. A few of the houses already had lights up. The night had the December chill going on. The evening was totally clear and eerily quiet. And I was thinking, “This sure feels like a holiday night.” Amazing because only a few weeks ago the same type of night had a distinctly Halloween feel.
The Christmas season is upon us! (No doubt this will be big news to retailers who have been eagerly “celebrating” since September.)
So this last weekend we decided to hang a few Christmas lights. My wife dug around in the garage and found five strands of colorful LED lights. Last year she wrapped them, put twisty ties on them, and organized them nicely. Dang, these things were almost like new!
As is my nature, I set about my task with Spock-like logic. One step at a time. First I took the lights and tested them on my workbench in the garage. Each and every one worked! That’s when I had my first positive thought, always a bad sign. “Hey, these LED lights are cool. They might even work. Wow!”
After that, two strands were given to the Mrs. to decorate the two columns near our front door. I took the rest and began to install them in the bushes at the front of our house as a nice cold rain began to come down.
I plugged each strand in as I did my work to make sure they were still operational. Everything was proceeding swimmingly.
Eventually I plugged in the final strand, arranged everything just so and stood back to survey my work. Pretty nice. Nothing too extravagant, mind you, but still festive in my own modest way.
I had just turned to walk back to the garage when it happened. I saw it just out of the wee corner of my eye.
Unblink!
All the lights I had just put up just died. Just like that my festive night became a “dark and stormy night.” WTF?
Thus began the systematic process of gathering up the strands of lights, one at a time, and taking them back to my workbench for more testing.
Strand #3 was carefully extricated from the bushes and tested. It worked fine. Same result with strand #2.
Finally, strand #1, the leader of the bunch, was strung out on my bench, stubbornly refusing to light up. I briefly considered waterboarding.
Unfortunately the instructions were long gone. I tested and wiggled every single bulb. They all looked solid as far as I could see. I surmised it might be a fuse, but couldn’t find any trace of where one might be located. Finally, disgusted, I tossed the problem child to the side. Five strands of lights and one doesn’t work. That’s a 20 percent failure rate. Not too shabby!
I figured two strands would still be enough to cover the bushes, albeit not quite as nicely.
I trudged back out into the rain and flung ’em on the bushes with no attempt to make them look nice. I plugged them in. This time they worked.
“That’s done,” I grunted in curmudgeon language. “The hell with this, I’m going back inside.”
Days later they still work. I’m stunned and amazed.
Merry freakin’ Christmas.
H&R Block should secure our airports
May I suggest that next time you think about airport security that you think about H&R Block instead of TSA?
Yes, it’s true that H&R Block can do so much more than screw up your electronic filings and not have the ability to provide your tax returns from previous years when they handled your filings. They can and should do so much more!
I had to go through H&R Block security procedures yesterday at our local office, and I can tell you – these people are good!
Here’s the story.
My new boss needed some documents picked up from H&R Block. Since I live all the way on the other side of town and about 200 yards from the H&R Block office, he asked if I could pick them up on my way to work. I said, “Sure. No problem.”
I walked into the office and said, “I’m here to pick up some documents for XYZ Corp, Acme Division, Widget R&D Department of the Enterprise Zone Chamber of Commerce Interface Committee.” Or something to that effect.
“Oh yes,” the woman said. “We have those ready to go. May I ask your name?”
“Tom.”
“I hope you understand, Tom. I’m going to have to call and confirm you are authorized to pick these up.”
“No problem.”
“Do you have your office’s phone number?”
Whiskey tango foxtrot!
As often happens in life, I couldn’t help myself. “Eh? Are you serious? You need to vet me. I can grok that. But what possible value is it to you if I provide the frickin’ phone number? What does that prove?”
The point eluded her. “Well, I have to ask.”
So I gave the mental midget the phone number. She called and the person on the other end of the line, apparently trustworthy as far as she knew, told her I was copacetic. Whatever that fucking proves.
Wonderbar.
“Now I need your full name.”
“Tom B. Taker.” At this point I was feeling crotchety and incredulous.
“And now I’ll need to see some ID.”
You mean this fake ID, I thought to myself. If I was dirty so far she hadn’t done jack shit to verify anything about me. I showed her my ACLU card.
And, this is where I was really floored with the sheer professionalism of H&R Block procedures. She grabbed a blank sheet of 8-1/2″ x 11″ paper and wrote it. “Tom B. Taker has been authorized to pick up documents for XYZ Corp, Acme Division, Widget R&D Department of the Enterprise Zone Chamber of Commerce Interface Committee. Documents have been released as of this date.”
She pushed her handwritten scrawl in my face. “I’ll just need your John Hancock right here.”
No way, lady! That would be forgery! 🙂
I signed her official looking form.
Finally, she handed over the documents while giving me one last lingering once over with her shifty eyes. Mwuahahahaha! At last! The documents were mine!
Truly, I vote think we should get H&R Block in charge of airport security ASAP. What could possibly go wrong?
The spirit of the season: Volunteering
Abyss casual wear
This time of year always gets me thinking about volunteering. Yes, even I can do it. Of course, you might not be surprised if I put my own special spin on it.
Helping to feed the hungry? A worthy cause but way overdone. It’s passe.
Build someone a new home? Sorry. Once there are 42 different reality shows on TV pimping the idea I’ll pass.
I need something new and trendy. I’ll volunteer, but only for something cool. You know, like me.
Wait? What’s this??? 😮
Well played, universe. Well played! You have my attention.
So, yeah. Since I spend so much time bitching about being on the “wrong planet” and all, you might think that I’d jump at an opportunity like this.
You’d be right.
I volunteer!
You also, wisely, might think I’m too old, too ugly and too fat to qualify for a trip like this. Again, you’d be right. Except I have an ace up my sleeve. Mwuhahah.
Seriously. I can logically prove why I’m the best life form for the job. And I can even save them some money in the process.
My logic goes like this: Anyone willing to sign up and say they will go with three other human beings obviously needs to be immediately disqualified. That’s a warning sign if ever there was one.
Therefore you need someone willing to make the trip alone. Therefore you need me.
I have no use for other humans so I’m perfect. That’s a 75% savings in life support and food! (Just in time for Black Friday, too.)
So here is my “open letter” to NASA:
Dear NASA,
Please accept this as my official application to be the chief (and only) astronaut in the Mars Interplanetary Expeditionary force.
Love,
Tom B. Taker
Yes, money is a factor on this mission. For example, due to the costs involved, there will be no return trip to Earth. It is simply too expensive. So I’ll do my part and take a one-way ticket!
That’s also a 75% savings in spacesuits. A NASA spacesuit costs approximately $12 million. That might sound high, but remember: It comes with two pairs of pants.
No return trip. That’s genius. No heat shields. No space shuttle tiles. No parachutes. Someone is really thinking outside of the box.
Due to the distance, recycling on Mars will be taken to a whole new extreme. That means, among other things, that someone is going to have to drink their own pee and eat their own poop. Honestly, I can’t think of anyone better suited for the job than me.
So long, Earthlings, and thanks for all the fish!
Meet a formerly wild and crazy guy
The renaissance man in action back when he was younger, circa 1977
“Just the other day.. I went home with this girl.. and she had the best pussy I have ever seen….
AW CMON!! I was talking about her cat! You people make me sick!
[pause]
That cat was the best fuck I ever had…”
…Steve Martin (admittedly paraphrased by yours truly from memory)
It seems to me like women are all a gaga over Steve Martin these days. Comedian, author, musician, actor, screenwriter, and all-around renaissance man.
Poop on that.
Over 30 years ago I knew a different Steve Martin. One that was cutting edge and on the fringes of good taste. One that told ribald jokes. Yeah!
Then he went all soft and started making movies like “Father of the Bride” and “Cheaper By the Dozen.” Ungh. Admittedly, though, I’ve never seen either one of those movies. You can always pinpoint when someone cutting edge goes soft and gains commercial success, i.e., sells out.
Did you know that Steve Martin was inducted as a “Disney Legend” in 2005? He started working at Disneyland at the age of 10 (after school, on weekends and during the summer). He did jobs like selling programs and dressing up like a cowboy and selling lasso ropes. Later he spent a lot of time hanging around “Merlin’s Magic Shop” in Fantasyland. He learned jokes and practiced magic and made balloon animals.
I guess his status as former employee is why Disney claims him as one of their own.
To celebrate the 50th anniversary of Disneyland, Martin even appeared as a “co-star” with Donald Duck in a movie called, “Disneyland: The First 50 Magical Years.” I can’t help but wonder if he got second billing to a cartoon duck.
I wonder if Disneyland has the joke that started this post enshrined somewhere for all of the kiddies to see?
This post is basically a PSA. I just wanted all of the women in the world to know a little something about Martin’s earlier comedy stylings. Let us not forget the type of comedy he relied upon to make it to the big time. You know, back when he was really cool.
Now Martin has a new softer and gentler kind of comedy he usually employs. Here’s a recent example where he shows off his “atheist hymnal.” It’s cute but not quite like the old days.
Shouts from the Abyss 
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