I love me some Christmas Dice. Yes, those are cakes! Credit: Cake Concepts by Lynn

As you can tell by the recent spate of Christmas-themed posts, the holiday season has sparked remarkable excitement here in the Abyss. Just like it does every year. God bless us, every one!

To press on with the celebrations in the spirit of Fesitvus, here are some snippets of Christmas poetry I’ve been doodling with. I offer them up as little bite-sized mcnuggets for your enjoyment, garishly incomplete, and still needing much loving care and attention. That’s where you come in. The challenge of this post, if you dare accept, is to rewrite or expand these poems as you see fit. Can you make them better? Perhaps to the point of being readable? The fate of these poems rests in your hands!

Without further ado, I present my offerings to cultural library surrounding my most favorite time of year. Enjoy!

Santa, ho!

Santa, ho! Santa, ho!

I’m waiting by my window on Christmas Eve
If I see the man then I might believe
I’m not buying a full grown sprite
I’ll sit right here if it takes all night

[chorus]

Santa, ho! Santa, ho!
Santa Santa, ho ho ho!
Keep away from me with your mistletoe
Santa, ho! Santa, ho!

Reindeer Can’t Fly

Reindeer can’t fly
Santa Claus is a lie
Do you take me for an ass?

Let’s keep it real
No need to conceal
It’s all so commercial and crass

Hey!

Robert the American Reindeer

Robert the American reindeer
Had an awful lot of class
And if you ever said different
You’d get a hoof in your ass

All of the other reindeer
Were obviously socialist pigs
Robert would only quaff beer
While the others ate their figs

Sure he watched a lot of TV
He was the fattest of them all
But once a year on Christmas Eve
His Hummer3 delivered Santa’s haul

The Penultimate Christmas Song

Chillin’ with some eggnog
By the halls I had decked
When I heard such a clatter
I cried out, “what the heck?”

With a jingle entered Holly
I exclaimed “oh my balls”
She was simply returning
From four shopping malls!!

Massive bags of gifts
She dropped by our sleigh
Stuffed up like turkeys
A true consumer’s holiday

Then I spied it there
So gleaming and white
The miracle of iPad
Praise God, oh holy night!

We took a moment to pray
We were feeling so fine-a
Our hearts all aglow
By this thing made in China

We got it out of the box
With our wifi it meshed
To love baby Jesus
Download an app called iCreche

I spread comfort on my twitter
And her joy on networking sites
Just two merry fools
Making the season bright

Our work finally finished
We donned apparel so gay
Got under the mistletoe
Until next year on Black Friday!

As you all know, the “War on Christmas” is in full swing this year, just as it is every year. Christmas has been attacked and Christmas will be defended. Dead or alive. Erm, wait. Something like that. It’s amazing how quickly the words of former presidents can fade from our minds, isn’t it? But I digress.

Anywho, as you all know, we are prohibited by good form from using the phrase “Merry Christmas.” This year, because the terrorists are winning, we are further prohibited from even from saying, simply, “Happy Holidays.” Dammit, we can’t even wish you “Seasons Greetings.”

Wow. Times sure are tough. So, we’ll just have to come up with some other way to let you know how we feel. I sure hope this works!

Merry Abyssmas to all, and to all a good night!

See: Christmas Dice