May I suggest that next time you think about airport security that you think about H&R Block instead of TSA?

Yes, it’s true that H&R Block can do so much more than screw up your electronic filings and not have the ability to provide your tax returns from previous years when they handled your filings. They can and should do so much more!

I had to go through H&R Block security procedures yesterday at our local office, and I can tell you – these people are good!

Here’s the story.

My new boss needed some documents picked up from H&R Block. Since I live all the way on the other side of town and about 200 yards from the H&R Block office, he asked if I could pick them up on my way to work. I said, “Sure. No problem.”

I walked into the office and said, “I’m here to pick up some documents for XYZ Corp, Acme Division, Widget R&D Department of the Enterprise Zone Chamber of Commerce Interface Committee.” Or something to that effect.

“Oh yes,” the woman said. “We have those ready to go. May I ask your name?”

“Tom.”

“I hope you understand, Tom. I’m going to have to call and confirm you are authorized to pick these up.”

“No problem.”

“Do you have your office’s phone number?”

Whiskey tango foxtrot!

As often happens in life, I couldn’t help myself. “Eh? Are you serious? You need to vet me. I can grok that. But what possible value is it to you if I provide the frickin’ phone number? What does that prove?”

The point eluded her. “Well, I have to ask.”

So I gave the mental midget the phone number. She called and the person on the other end of the line, apparently trustworthy as far as she knew, told her I was copacetic. Whatever that fucking proves.

Wonderbar.

“Now I need your full name.”

“Tom B. Taker.” At this point I was feeling crotchety and incredulous.

“And now I’ll need to see some ID.”

You mean this fake ID, I thought to myself. If I was dirty so far she hadn’t done jack shit to verify anything about me. I showed her my ACLU card.

And, this is where I was really floored with the sheer professionalism of H&R Block procedures. She grabbed a blank sheet of 8-1/2″ x 11″ paper and wrote it. “Tom B. Taker has been authorized to pick up documents for XYZ Corp, Acme Division, Widget R&D Department of the Enterprise Zone Chamber of Commerce Interface Committee. Documents have been released as of this date.”

She pushed her handwritten scrawl in my face. “I’ll just need your John Hancock right here.”

No way, lady! That would be forgery! 🙂

I signed her official looking form.

Finally, she handed over the documents while giving me one last lingering once over with her shifty eyes. Mwuahahahaha! At last! The documents were mine!

Truly, I vote think we should get H&R Block in charge of airport security ASAP. What could possibly go wrong?