First! Piers Into The Future
Which came first? The chicken or the egg flung angrily at the back of someone’s head?
It’s something we’re born with. It’s somehow innate to us. Much like how a kitten without a mommy still knows enough to try to cover his own poo.
It’s something we’re taught by osmosis fro our parents.
And it’s also something we perfect while growing up. We learn by doing.
It’s the circle of life, Simba.
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Strife of Lie
Strife of Lie
by Tom B. Taker
Never tell ’em up front how the story ends. I had a good movie-going experience. Oops. What? Yes, it’s true. In fact, I’d say it was literally the best movie going experience I’ve had in years. We’re off to quite the positive start, eh? Or are we?
The devices were turned off.
No one sat too close.
The theater was sparsely populated.
But it wasn’t perfect.
—
The young man who knocked on the door had dropped the name of Cliff Face. He was about to get booted from my porch, too. But that name! It gave me pause. For the moment the stranger had captivated my attention. Curiosity always got the better of me.
“Come in.”
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The Strife of Pi: Things To Do At 3:14 a.m.
Slowly I became aware that I must be awake. It was a very gradual thing. Once consciousness was certain I resolved to seek more information. With herculean effort I pushed with all my might and rolled my body over. Glowing red numbers swam in front of my eyes until they finally resolved into something readable.
3:14
I moaned in dispair.
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A Very Abyss Christmas
Just in time for the holidays…
Is the holiday season making your spirits too bright? If you find yourself feeling goodwill towards men, this new classic holiday CD might just help. Pop it in the old music machine and shatter some peace on Earth, won’t you?
Deck your fellow man instead of those pesky halls!
Not available in any stores!
Now how much would you pay?
Only 24 easy payments of $2.99. Operators are standing by. Don’t visit the Shopping Maul and punch women in the face just for the chance to own this fabulous bit of Christmas musical history. Ordering factory direct from China is available on our pimped out web site.
Come on! Step up and order today, but only if you’ve got the jingle balls to make a consumption decision that will change your life — forever! (All sales final.)
Includes classic downer hits like:
- Christmas at Ground Zero
- Please, Daddy (Don’t Get Drunk This Christmas)
- Red Water (Christmas Mourning)
- Santa Claus is Coming to Town?
- A Long December
- Merry Fucking Christmas
- Walking Round in Women’s Underwear
- If We Make it Through December
- Offensive Bonus – Kung Pao Buckaroo Holiday
- Hyppo’s Bonus Pick – I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas
- Critter’s Bonus Pick – A Cat Carol
Critics fucking rave:
It’s a breadth of freth aire.
—Some guy we paid who consented to us paraphrasing his words
And…
Songs from the Abyss cured my holiday cheer in no time at all!
—Grandmother Taker (shortly before her most recent stroke)
And…
That’s 45 minutes of my life I’ll never get back and I couldn’t be happier!
—Our recording engineer
I hope you’ll enjoy these timeless Christmas classics as my precious gift to you. Ho ho ho.
Shouts from the Abyss 
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