Das Gloat

Obviously those are grapes of wrath.

No, I will not gloat. I remember the dark times. So this is an opposite post. Today I offer a message of hope and caring to my friends on the other side of the aisle. Oh shit. Yet another political post. I apologize in advance. Just like my bladder, I’m unable to control myself.

It’s always darkest before the dawn. Fortunately dawn only comes every 24 hours. Actually, every 23-1/2 if we assume dawn is about a 30-minute process. That’s a lot of darkness.
–Tom B. Taker

Breaking news: Barack Obama won the election. White people, of course, loved the wealthy elderly white guy. Obama did worse with that bunch than even Michael Dukakis. (He ran for president in a losing effort in 1988. It’s true, look it up.) Meanwhile the non-whites in America basically all went for the other guy. This group includes blacks, Latinos, college students, educated professionals, gays and lesbians, and last but not least, Asian-Americans.

If you’re a Romney voter I want you to know that I understand how you feel. I’ve been there, done that. 2004 anyone? I truly understand that feeling of dispair and hopelessness. But my speciality is bringing the good times so here’s a few positive things to remember:

  1. “This too shall pass.” Note the word “shall.” That means it’s gonna happen. If you see this word in laws and legal documents and such people always have a conniption about it, so you know it’s a powerful word, indeed. Basically all you need to know is that Obama won’t be president forever.
  2. “You win some, you lose some.” Remember Jimmy Carter? You got what you wanted that time. One lonely little term. How quickly we forget. Of course, George H. W. Bush was also a one-off. These things tend to balance out. On the other hand, you had a couple recent repeats like Ronald Reagan and George W. Bush. (Yes, even him.) 16-years of presidential bliss. And we had Bill Clinton icky as he was. It’s only fair we get a piece of the pie from time to time, too. Let us have our Obama.
  3. “It’s not whether you win or lose, it’s how you play the game.” If that thought offers no solace then I don’t know what will. There’s just no pleasing some people. It’s true that our obsessive fixation on “winning” makes losing feel more devastating than ever but the reality is that it’s not really that bad. Second place means you beat a hell of a lot of other people. It’s not something to be ashamed about. It’s a lot better than a “participant” ribbon.

My parting thought is this: It’s only the president. Yeah, yeah, yeah. “Leader of the free world” and all that. The reality, however, is that the president is only one person and not all-powerful. It’s not like he’s Yoda.

Here’s my attempt to make you feel better: The federal government is a massive juggernaut. If this was the Fire Swamp you might say it was an Organization of Enormous Size. It’s so large it’s almost inconceivable.

Feel better yet? Oops. You also like small government. I almost forgot. 🙂

The point is that with an organization of that size, I contend, the identity of the person who sits in the Oval Office is actually of very small import. Much smaller than you could ever possibly imagine. You think one person is going to be able to affect the trajectory of the gigantor Federal Government beast? I don’t think so.

I like to put it like this:

Think of the federal government as a giant ball rolling along. A ball about three-stories tall. Now imagine that the president is an ant off to one side of that ball, either the left or the right, depending on the various and sundry political party of that president. The job of this little presidential ant is to push with all of his/her might against that ball. Their goal? To change the course of that rolling ball in their favor. A four-year ant can’t even touch the darn thing. Even an eight-year ant moves it so small of a distance that it’s practically imperceptible.

And then a new ant comes along and pushes it back from the other side with opposing force in that same imperceptible way right back to where it was before. And so on and so on and so on. Rinse. Repeat.

The giant ball cares not about the identities of these various ants attempting to push it this way and that. At the end of the day the ball goes where it wants.

I did an experiment on Wednesday, the day after the big election. I woke up and carefully considered my life as I went through a typical average work day. Obama had been reelected. I was curious: What effects would there be?

I can assure you that my day was no different. It sucked just as bad as it always does. Yahoo! Four more years of Obama. Welcome to another shitty day. And guess what? It’s exactly the same sort of day I had for eight long years under George W. Bush. No difference. Bosses didn’t suddenly develop brains overnight.

Sometimes you win one for the Gipper. Sometimes you don’t. Sometimes you feel like a nut. Sometimes you don’t.

Try livin’ like that.

To my friends who feel sad, dejected and despair, remember that I still love you. If that doesn’t make you feel better, well then, there’s just no helping you!


4 responses

  1. I think I might have OD’d on schadenfreude.


    1. This comment is Über.


  2. “A giant ball rolling along.” I like it. If you’d said “hairy ball” or “ball of turd” it would have been too much.

    As always, I admire your restraint.


    1. You have no idea. Since I’ve recently begun to believe that the next natural phase of human evolution involves dung beetle DNA there were a lot of different ways I could have gone.

      Spoiler Alert: As the growing population’s nutritional needs exceeds the food supply we’re going to have to adapt to eat our own poop in order to survive. Dung beetle DNA to the rescue. That’ll also help with our second pressing problem of waste control. It’s an Abyss-approved win-win!


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