Tag Archives: barack

Das Gloat

Obviously those are grapes of wrath.

No, I will not gloat. I remember the dark times. So this is an opposite post. Today I offer a message of hope and caring to my friends on the other side of the aisle. Oh shit. Yet another political post. I apologize in advance. Just like my bladder, I’m unable to control myself.

It’s always darkest before the dawn. Fortunately dawn only comes every 24 hours. Actually, every 23-1/2 if we assume dawn is about a 30-minute process. That’s a lot of darkness.
–Tom B. Taker

Breaking news: Barack Obama won the election. White people, of course, loved the wealthy elderly white guy. Obama did worse with that bunch than even Michael Dukakis. (He ran for president in a losing effort in 1988. It’s true, look it up.) Meanwhile the non-whites in America basically all went for the other guy. This group includes blacks, Latinos, college students, educated professionals, gays and lesbians, and last but not least, Asian-Americans.

If you’re a Romney voter I want you to know that I understand how you feel. I’ve been there, done that. 2004 anyone? I truly understand that feeling of dispair and hopelessness. But my speciality is bringing the good times so here’s a few positive things to remember:
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Politics in Tweets: Electorals go to College

I find that I’m unable to skip the politics today. I shall endeavor to be brief.

Obama was working out at the gym. Romney was giving the rowing machine a good go. He glanced over at Obama with his shirt off and said, “Dude. Nice electorals.”

That’s the cue. It’s time for another bit of inciteful political analysis from the Abyss.

The Electoral College as it stands right now, Wednesday morning, is Obama 303, Romney 206 with Florida (29) still up for grabs.

My prediction back on Sept. 9, 2012, was Obama 304 and Romney 234. If Florida breaks for Romney this may be one of the most accurate presidential prognostications of all time. And I did it two months out.

Let’s review how my prediction happened. First up a link to the proof to verify my claim.

Shoutabyss Electoral Prediction Map

Master Debater

The first presidential debate. The tie situation is secure.

Right after watching the third and final presidential debate I turned to my wife and said, “Just you wait. Both sides will claim victory.”

And that was before I’d heard even a single pundit tell me how to think. Yeah, I did it all by my own self.

That establishes my cred. You may now read the rest of this post with confidence. I have dubbed myself the Master Debater and I’m going to share it all with you. You’ll see.

This is my insightful analysis of the debates and I promise it will be my own style of unique coverage. I’ll cover the angles that the rest of the so-called “experts” somehow missed. Let’s get right to it.

I’d like to thank WordPress for hosting this post and myself for inviting me. The Abyss is a lovely place. It’s a pleasure to be here.
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Lie Hard II – Lie Harder: How The Presidency Was Won – Obama Edition

This is part two of my pseudo-scientific examination of truthiness in presidential politics. It was prompted by this vague feeling of dread that Romney and Ryan were lying a lot. I was desirous of quantification (and hopefully confirmation) of my feelings. So like any good empirical scientist, I set off on an expedition to prove what I already felt was true. I found me a data source and produced some pie charts.

Methodology: I did an existing data study to produce the pie chart graph shown on the right. The data set consisted of the last 20 “Truth-O-Meter” responses to statements by Barack Obama as evaluated by PolitiFact.com.

I did not “cherry pick” the source data. I merely used the 20 most recent statements by Barack Obama at the moment I happened to look. I then counted each type of rating and produced the chart.

Additional analysis and source data is provided after the jump.
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Oh Willard! Where Art Thou?

Age of presidents when assuming office approximately follows a bell curve (mean age marked by red line). Source: Wikipedia

Psst. Don’t tell anyone, but I know a little something the Mitt Romney campaign doesn’t want a lot of people to know. And, unlike them, I have no scruples about sharing it.

The cat is old.

I don’t mean “old” in the sense that it’s time for the rockin’ chair. I mean “old” in presidential terms.

Willard Mitt Romney was born March 12, 1947. He’s 65 years old.

Look at the clues. Fact #1: His name is Willard. Normally at this point I’d say, “I rest my case.” But I want to blather on for a bit more.

Exclusive: Abyss scientists have calculated that the first name “Willard” ranked 124.8 in popularity in the United States during the years 1880 through 1946. Mitt’s parents, by selecting the name Willard, simply went along with a trend of the times.

Since Mitt was born, however, the name has taken a beating. The first name “Willard” has dropped in popularity to a whopping rank of 491.2. (Based on years 1947 through 1989, the last year for which data is available.)

No wonder he goes by the name Mitt. He single-handedly made the name uncool. (See below for the graph I made. The higher the bar, the less popular the ranking of the name.)

Keep reading for much much more exclusive presidential election coverage from the Abyss. Did I mention this coverage is exclusive? No one else would think up shit like this.
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Presidential Emails

Listen up, maggots! They call them presidential campaigns. As we all know, “campaign” is a military term. War is hell. Thus, voluntarily enlisting to receive emails from political campaigns means you are in The Shit.

Wisely I signed up for both campaigns over a year ago. It seems longer. One year in campaign chronology feels more like seven. There. Now we can introduce the word “dog” into the discussion. Like “dog years” and “dogs of war.”

Yes, I said both campaigns. Obama’s and Romney’s. I didn’t bother with the minor players, the lieutenants with feelings of grandeur who thought they were generals. The bit part players with egos bigger than the entire theater. (Another fitting military term that is also descriptive of the activity.)

I never bothered to sign up for emails from Newt Gingrich, Rick Santorum, Rick Perry, Herman Cain, Michelle Bachmann, Ron Paul, Tim Pawlenty, Thaddeus McCotter, Jon Hunstman and the remaining cast of characters, so I can’t speak to any bullshit they might have pulled in their campaign emails.

Check it, I’m about to say something positive about Sarah Palin. This will come to be a red-letter date in history. You’ll note Sarah Palin isn’t mentioned in that list of dropouts. Even though she has the ego, too, she never bothered to start, and that seems to indicate an awareness of the world around her that the others lacked. She knew she couldn’t win. And if you know you can’t win, why even bother to try? Thus she wisely ignored the stigma of losing. In politics, you don’t want too many of those. The end up being a lot like those floatation barrels that Quint liked to shoot into Jaws. You can probably handle one or two, but get a couple more poking from the side of your belly and you’ll end up floating on the surface like a listless carp. Trust me. No one wants to see that in politics.

So kudos to Sarah Palin for that. Even though it did free her up for more Defend Freedom bus tours where she sells lots of books. Oh shit. Never mind.

Viola! That’s my intro. Click the jump link for even more… šŸ™‚
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Case studies from the X-Files

Google and Bing agree. X is for Xbox. Boring! YouTube came up with xjawz.

Relying on the auto-complete features in these search engines, I then tried “X” followed by all of the vowels.

From Bing.com:

xanax
xem phim tren mang
xiaonei
xo so
xuong phim.com
xyzal

From Google.com:

xanax
xe
xilinx
xoom
xubuntu
xylitol

From YouTube.com:

xahtt60w7qo
xe do
xil90dzih0k
xoom
xuan mai
xy

From these results I deduce that Bing is more international than Google and Google is more commercial than Bing. And YouTube is just weird. šŸ™‚

An alien on planet Earth. It's ET! (The Extra Trumpestrial.) Credit: Gage Skidmore

The X-Files: The Strange Case of the Trumpers

Na-Nu Na-Nu!

Proving the old adage that “it takes one to know one,” Robin Williams had Donald Trump pegged long before the rest of us:

He wants to see Obama’s birth certificate? I want to see his hairline. I mean, my theory is the hair is actually The Donald. That it’s like some alien creature that landed years ago.
–Robin Williams

Interesting. Is it the hair itself which is the alien, and Trump merely some sort of host? Or is the relationship more symbiotic than that?

I have no doubt that Mulder and Scully will get to the bottom of this.

There are several critical components to wonky beliefs like conspiracy theories: an overactive imagination, an element of doubt, and a steadfast stubbornness and determination to dismiss facts that contradict the belief. In my opinion, ignoring facts that don’t fit is the key ingredient. And I’ve seen this sort of thing time and time again in my travels.

Of course, in Trump’s situation, it’s hard to know if he seriously believed the sewage that came out of his mouth or if it was all just opportunistic entrepreneurship. “Hey, look,” he probably said. “Polls show increasing numbers – mostly Republicans – who doubt if Obama was born in America. I can use that. Yes, I shall cash in on that.”

Now that Obama has produced his birth certificate, something he decidedly didn’t have to do, one thing is now certain: We can expect the focus of the birthers to shift. They will change the conversation. They’ve already proven they are unwilling to accept facts that challenge their beliefs. I highly doubt the document distributed by Obama will change that much.

Of course Trump, the classy guy that he is, had something extremely pithy to say about it during a press conference he called to discuss his reaction:

I am really honored, frankly, to have played such a big role in hopefully, hopefully, getting rid of this issue.
–Donald Trump and/or his alien hair (it’s unknown which was speaking)

Speaking of “natural born” qualifications to be president, I would very much like to see Trump’s birth certificate from Planet X.

I just scared the living Trump out of you!

And now, only because I personally thought it was funny, is my tweet from Wednesday morning regarding the Birther issue and Obama producing his birth certificate:

@shoutabyss
Tom B. Taker

Birthers: Please report to the nearest empty field to wait for relocation by spaceship. Don’t forget your Nike footwear.

April 27, 2011 via web

And, just in case the reference to Nike footwear is too obtuse, check out the Wikipedia page on Heaven’s Gate. One thing about us humans seems certain: We’ll never have a shortage of Trumpers.

This is my “X” post for the A-Z Blogger Challenge.