Facebook With Mom
A lot of people ask me, “Hey, asshole. Where do you get your blogging topics?” Good question. Using today as an example, I had an early morning Facebook chat with mom. Later, I decided to write about it. See? That’s how it’s done. -Ed.
I don’t use the Facebook a lot. It’s mainly for poking. And, way less often, liking. I’ve been patiently waiting for the HATE button. I’d settle for DISLIKE. Maybe then I’d use it more.
For me, the primary purpose of Facebook is that it’s a place to post selfies I’ve taken during urban riots when I’m standing atop overturned police cars that are on fire. With my shirt off.
Other than that I have little use for the thing.
Then there’s mom. You respond to a message from mom at your own peril.
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Skip to the Sue
As married people, my wife and I haven’t had all the conversations yet. But we’re getting close.
“Hey. I got a question.”
“Do you pick your nose?”
The pause wasn’t quite as long as you’d think. “Yeah. I do.”
Beat. Then, of course, the inevitable.
“Fuck off! I ain’t answering that.”
Never underestimate the power of a fully-formed glare. “Yeah, okay. I do, too.”
The rest of that conversation, pertaining to the eating of said nose pickings, will not be published in this space. That’s premium content. We accept all major credit cards. But not PayPal!!!
Then, this other time, I turned to my wife and asked, “How many times, in your entire life, have you ever sued anyone?”
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Lord of the Challenges
Like a knee-jerk fool on the kindergarten playground who was just double-dog-dared, I have accepted yet another challenge that was issued in my general direction. I can’t help myself. I am unable to say “no.”
What is it about me and challenges? They buzz about me like flies and, therefore, I must be their Lord. Or something like that.
So be it.
As you read the following, please do try to remember that someone out there asked for it. Blame them, not me!
Oh, wait. Now I remember who it was.
Why, it’s my old friend rewind revise, one of the few people I follow on Twitter. That makes her a member of a very elite group. Little did I know that when I accepted this challenge that her wedding is also only a few short days away. So this is a doubly serendipitous occasion. This post is my gift to the happy couple. Too bad for them, because they could have had a toaster!
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20 Questions and Shouts from the Abyss have a head-on collision (reblog)
The other day blogdramedy was nice enough to ass me twenty questions. It’s a meme thing going around like a case of the measles.
I, of course, was only too happy to comply. We all know I can’t turn down a challenge.
She was a good host, so I hope you’ll stop by and not only check out the post featuring yours truly, but spend a little time and explore the rest of her blog. She is not just a blogger. She’s an entertainer. She got game.
Of my friend, I can only say this: of all the souls I have encountered in my travels, hers is the most… human. (No insult intended.)
There’s this thing happening all across the Internet and I got caught up in the backwash. It’s called “20 Questions” and the name speaks for itself. It’s kind of like truth or dare but without the dare…and maybe the word “stretch” should be in there somewhere ’cause I suspect not one of the answerees were totally truthful in their responses. Because, where’s the humor in truth? We all know that a slight twist in the tale makes for a better story. I’ll take a good laugh over the truth any day. Have you not been watching the Republican debates?
Oh, and apparently Obama thinks I’m worth a laugh or two. You’ll have to click over to blogdramedy’s blog to find out more.
Handling illegal interview questions
I received an email today about how to handle illegal interview questions. According to the email (always a very reliable source) the questions below are are “illegal.”
Of course, what is “illegal” in a job interviewing type of situation? I think it goes without saying that one person’s “illegal” is another person’s “get yer ass out the door because you won’t be working here!”
Right on. People abusing other people. You know, now that I think about it, they ought to base an economic system on that.
According to the advice in this unsolicited email there are three ways you can go when responding to an illegal question during an employment interview:
- Answer honestly if you want.
- Tell the interviewer their question is illegal thus blowing any chance you had at the job.
- “Base your answer on the requirements of the job and your ability to perform it.” (Whatever that means!)
I feel their advice is incomplete. In an attempt to be helpful here are more options I came up with on my own:
- Keep a video camera in your baseball cap and sue their asses. (Dressing like a pimp is optional.)
- Lie through your teeth. They just broke the law – one good turn deserves another.
- Say, “I love you.”
- Casually mention, “You know, sex is still in play.”
- Distract with your “Basic Instinct” move. (This also requires wearing a short skirt.)
Also, be forewarned that your interviewer may employ a technique known as “probing” during the interview. The best advice I can offer is relax as much as possible and lean into it. With most interviewers this is usually a very brief process, but some might be able to make it last 45 minutes or more.
So here are the original questions from that email answered by yours truly with my own special flair. Enjoy!
Q: Does your family mind the travel required for this position?
A: Let us dispense with the petty mind games, shall we? We’re all adults here. We all know that I’ll be forced to eat your ass on a regular basis. Let us not pretend that I’d refuse to sell my children to the devil for this “opportunity.” Travel is the least of my concerns.
Q: Are you religious? Will your religion prevent you from working extra hours or on weekends when we have a big project?
A: It probably won’t be a problem, unless I am displeased in any way, shape or form. Then I may draw a pentagram around your desk, sprinkle some goat blood, and burn some (mostly) harmless incense while chanting your name.
Q: You have a very unusual last name. What is its origin?
A: Doin’ your mom.
Q: Are you planning a family in the near future?
A: That depends on you. If I may, I’d like to answer that question with a question of my own. Are you available Saturday night? I rarely wear underwear and when I do it’s usually something unusual. I also always forgo protection because, let’s be honest, that just makes it so much more fun.
Q: How many more years do you see yourself in the work force (before retiring)?
A: Difficult to see is the future. Always clouded with emotion. How long does it usually take to get access to the company checking account around here? – or try this alternate answer – Oh please oh please oh please! I want to do nothing but work for you and clean your boot heels with my eager tongue until the day I die. Pick me! Pick me!
I hope these answers come in handy at some point during your career. It’s amazing, I know, but I’m offering them completely free of charge! Just another of the many perks of reading this blog.