Fired while being #Atheist
Source: James Jordan (Flickr).
One night I dreamed I was walking on a beach with the Lord. In the sky I saw scenes from my life. In each scene I noticed footprints in the sand. Sometimes there were two sets of footprints side by side. Other times the footprints were single file, like Sand People who travel that way to conceal their numbers. This bothered me because the single file footprints seemed to precede all of tumultuous times in my life.
So I said to the Lord, “You promised you would always walk with me. But the footprints say that each time the shit was about to hit the fan you were no longer by my side.”
The Lord replied, “The times you see single file footprints are the times you stabbed me in the back.”
At times religion can be a beautiful thing. At other times it can be more like a barrel of monkeys. Believer or not, I think most people can agree at least that much is true.
In the news recently was a story about a high school teacher claiming he was fired for being an atheist. Let’s take a look shall we?
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Survivor: Abyss Island – The Dead Reonion Show Part Duh
At long last, here it is. Finally, the wait is over. The Survivor: Abyss Island reunion show has arrived. The production team was been hard at work crunching the audio. We apologize it took a few extra days. It’s a dirty thankless job and many hours of blather were left on the cutting room floor. (This is the part where you thank me. This shit could have been longer.)
This is part two of the world famous audio interview.
Make the shark jump for the link.
Survivor: Abyss Island – The Dead Reonion Show (Audio!)
At long last, here it is. Finally, the wait is over. The Survivor: Abyss Island reunion show has arrived. The production team was been hard at work crunching the audio. We apologize it took a few extra days. It’s a dirty thankless job and many hours of blather were left on the cutting room floor. (This is the part where you thank me. This shit could have been longer.)
Following 39 grueling days on the island, my host/wife thought it would be a good idea to interview me proving, once again, her host powers went completely to her head. Like a freshly broken down cabazon filet I was grilled for 40 whopping minutes until I was crisp and completely blackened. I was too afraid to say no.
My wife even solicited questions from “fans” of the show. Poor lost souls.
Wearing only my tribe buff and a Survivor shot glass repeatedly full of tequila, my wife wisely got me mostly hammered before going all 60 Minutes on my ass. The interview lasted an interminable 40 minutes and has been broken into two parts. At the bottom of this post is a link to part one of the audio interview.
Make the shark jump for the link.
Interview Success – Honesty Can Suck It
The other day when I wrote about Facebook being the new creepy I got so worked up and excitable that I completely forgot the point. The main point. Writing an entire article and forgetting the primary thrust. Yeah, that’s me in a nutshell. And in more ways than one, if you get my thrust. (Wink, wink.)
This is part two in our ongoing series entitled Shit I Forgot To Say. Enjoy!
Let’s say you’re the elite. You wisely went out and got yourself a shiny Facebook page.
You voluntarily put your real name on it.
You populated the account with a myriad of pictures of your wonderful countenance. Because the world needs more of that. Yeah.
And then, gasp, you did something truly out there. You went way beyond the pale.
You spoke the truth about that fig pucker, your boss.
Obviously you can never have a job again.
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Podcast: Episode 2 of the Tom B. Taker Show is now online
Are you ready for some podcast?
Welcome to the party, all my bloggy friend [sic],
A Saturday Night Bash on the Abyssian!
The shame of the week is about to incite
Time to kick shit and turn off the lights
My pressure is rising, strap in and hold tight
I’m gonna blow my top just like every night
Ready!?!
C’mon and get ready
I mean really ready
Are you ready for some podcast?
A Saturday blight farty
The whole abyss is crockin’, let’s get the brick carted
Launch this thing, blaze the roof, that’s right
All my bloggy friend [sic] is here on Saturday night
Yes, it’s quite the thriller doing the moonwalk with Billy Jean. But then again, I’ve always been a little off the wall. Know what I’m saying, sister? If you don’t like the man in the mirror (just like me) then you can go beat it!
If you’ve got 29 seconds of free time in your life (and who doesn’t?) swing by and check out the long-delayed Episode 2 of my audio podcast, won’t you? It’d be just like being forced to apologize if you’d spare me 29 seconds of your life.
The Tom B. Taker Show – Episode Two: The Wife Strikes Back
The Tom B. Taker Show – Episode 2 (Wife Strikes Back)
Yeah, the wife made me do it. I personally thought this audio was quite tasteless, ribald and way over the top. If society forces me to apologize for this, that is what I’ll say. As usual, blame it on the wife. She made me.
At least I know it won’t be as bad as Hank Williams Jr. At least I hope not.
Questioning George W. Bush
I wish I knew how to quit you.
Is it just me or have we seen a whole lotta Dubya lately?
I first noticed it during the World Series. There was George and his wife Laura in the stands at Rangers Ballpark in Arlington. Am I just suspicious or were they seated in such a way that they’d be caught often on camera whenever Rangers batters on deck were shown?
Then, of course, every time they played America The Beautiful in the 7th inning the camera would have to sneak a shot of the presidential couple to see how they were reacting to the song.
George Bush even got to throw out the ceremonial first pitch during game 4.
Then I started hearing about a book. Then he was being interviewed by Matt Lauer and CBS Sunday Morning. Then I heard that Bush had written a book. In the book Bush talked about things like his “drinking problem.” He claims he wasn’t an alcoholic. And still no word on alleged cocaine use where he has refused comment. What we do know is that Bush was arrested for DUII at least once in his life.
For a while there, Bush mostly stayed out of the spotlight, although he did occasionally break silence to criticize his successor, something that is apparently considered, by some, to be “bad form.” Bush originally said that Obama “deserves my silence” but then went back on that position to throw some IEDs at the new President claiming that Obama wanted to use things like “persuasion” and “therapy” to combat modern terrorism. You gotta admit, those are classy arguments.
Bush, no doubt to sell more copies of his book, stepped out even further into the public eye when he started a contest on Facebook. The Facebook page bills itself as an “Opportunity to interview President George W. Bush.” (Link.) If you love and enjoy legalese, the contest rules are a must read! Entrants were asked to submit five questions they would ask. The entrants were to then be whittled down to 100 contestants who would each submit a two-minute video. From those entries, one winner would be selected to fly to Dallas, Texas, and meet with Bush to ask their question in person. As far as I know the contest process hasn’t quite finished yet.
But all of this Bush stuff on the brain got me to thinking, even before I learned of this contest. If I had the chance, what would I ask George W. Bush?
I thought about it and really thought about it some more. It is actually a very tough question. So many possibilities come to mind. But the exercise is pointless for two reasons. One, I’ll never have the chance. Two, he’d never tell the real truth on anything good.
I still haven’t settled on the one thing I’d ask him about.
So this post ends by going interactive. What would you ask George W. Bush if you ever got the chance?
Handling illegal interview questions
You can impress me!
I received an email today about how to handle illegal interview questions. According to the email (always a very reliable source) the questions below are are “illegal.”
Of course, what is “illegal” in a job interviewing type of situation? I think it goes without saying that one person’s “illegal” is another person’s “get yer ass out the door because you won’t be working here!”
Right on. People abusing other people. You know, now that I think about it, they ought to base an economic system on that.
According to the advice in this unsolicited email there are three ways you can go when responding to an illegal question during an employment interview:
- Answer honestly if you want.
- Tell the interviewer their question is illegal thus blowing any chance you had at the job.
- “Base your answer on the requirements of the job and your ability to perform it.” (Whatever that means!)
I feel their advice is incomplete. In an attempt to be helpful here are more options I came up with on my own:
- Keep a video camera in your baseball cap and sue their asses. (Dressing like a pimp is optional.)
- Lie through your teeth. They just broke the law – one good turn deserves another.
- Say, “I love you.”
- Casually mention, “You know, sex is still in play.”
- Distract with your “Basic Instinct” move. (This also requires wearing a short skirt.)
Also, be forewarned that your interviewer may employ a technique known as “probing” during the interview. The best advice I can offer is relax as much as possible and lean into it. With most interviewers this is usually a very brief process, but some might be able to make it last 45 minutes or more.
So here are the original questions from that email answered by yours truly with my own special flair. Enjoy!
Q: Does your family mind the travel required for this position?
A: Let us dispense with the petty mind games, shall we? We’re all adults here. We all know that I’ll be forced to eat your ass on a regular basis. Let us not pretend that I’d refuse to sell my children to the devil for this “opportunity.” Travel is the least of my concerns.
Q: Are you religious? Will your religion prevent you from working extra hours or on weekends when we have a big project?
A: It probably won’t be a problem, unless I am displeased in any way, shape or form. Then I may draw a pentagram around your desk, sprinkle some goat blood, and burn some (mostly) harmless incense while chanting your name.
Q: You have a very unusual last name. What is its origin?
A: Doin’ your mom.
Q: Are you planning a family in the near future?
A: That depends on you. If I may, I’d like to answer that question with a question of my own. Are you available Saturday night? I rarely wear underwear and when I do it’s usually something unusual. I also always forgo protection because, let’s be honest, that just makes it so much more fun.
Q: How many more years do you see yourself in the work force (before retiring)?
A: Difficult to see is the future. Always clouded with emotion. How long does it usually take to get access to the company checking account around here? – or try this alternate answer – Oh please oh please oh please! I want to do nothing but work for you and clean your boot heels with my eager tongue until the day I die. Pick me! Pick me!
I hope these answers come in handy at some point during your career. It’s amazing, I know, but I’m offering them completely free of charge! Just another of the many perks of reading this blog.
Shouts from the Abyss 
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