History is written by the victors.
–Winston S. Churchill
I have this personal pet theory. It goes a little something like this:
What do I mean by this? It’s time for a tale of hungry dogs, drowning by garden hose, buxom secretaries, altered birth certificates and who’s car is parked next door.
You might think that Apple is about to announce the iPhone 6 but they have one more surprise up their sleeve before the big day finally gets here. In a move that will stun the uncivilized world (societies with iPhones) they’ll abandon the practice of naming each iteration of iPhones in boring numerical sequence.
Instead, in clever fashion, they’ll use words that sound similar to the numerical scheme we’re all expecting.
Yes, tomorrow they’ll be introducing the iPhone Sex. Siri gets a major and surprising upgrade in this one. Nuff said, I hope.
This will be followed in later years, of course, by the iPhone Heaven. This will be the one time in the history of iPhones that they won’t actually change anything. They’ll just release a new version that’s exactly the same to satisfy the cravings of early adopters.
The iPhone Mate will feature an enhanced personality matrix so you’ll no longer need to bother with the formality of legitimate marriage within the confines of the real world.
The iPhone Spine will usher in a new era of cyborgality with an interface that will make Google Glass look like quaint child’s play. Remember the good old days when technology remained outside of your body?
And, finally, iPhone Hen will exponentially build upon marital aspects originally introduced in iPhone Mate with hyper-realistic calendar reminders and much, much, much, much more. This will also be the first iPhone to incorporate state-of-the-art hammer-resistant technology.
The future for iPhones looks bright but who’s counting?
Al Dente? Who the hell is he? LOL! No, he’s not a person. He’s a thing. Al dente is actually Italian. It means “this bites.” (Disclaimer: This is a guess. I was too lazy to google. –Ed.)
In honor of my wife asking me to think about what I’ve learned during ten years of marriage (our anniversary is next week) I thought really hard and remembered spaghetti.
That’s using the old noodle!
My wife, although technically not a “chef,” is nonetheless extremely accomplished and talented in the kitchen. She really knows how to cook. Naturally this is both good and bad. Good in the sense that there are a lot of good eats. Bad in the sense that every meal dirties every pot, pan and kitchen implement in the house.
It’s bad in one other small way. It’s such a slight of a trifle that it’s almost not worth mentioning. Almost.
Every single thing I do is wrong. In the kitchen, I mean.
So there I was this one time making spaghetti. That means I had dumped some packaged noodles in a pot of boiling water. To me that’s “cooking.”
As was often my wont, when the timer went off I picked up the pot and dumped the noodles in a colander in the sink.
My wife saw. “What the hell are you doing?” she yelled.
Oh shit. Little Tommy in trouble.
Continue reading →
Our scientists have made an interesting discovery: A hand-scrawled message, on a piece of yellowed and ruled piece of parchment, that we have dated as being approximately 10 years old.
There are a few interesting facts about this artifact:
- The artifact must be about 10 years old because, at the time of her wedding, my wife did, in fact, have a ring. This is proof the parchment predates the wedding.
- I had the prescience of thought to carefully preserve the artifact and keep it safe all this time. I must have recognized the cultural significance.
- No cameras from that time period are known to exist. Perhaps we’ll never know what prompted the author to put pen to paper.
- My wife’s bare finger is simply not that interesting.
Few artifacts from that time period are known to exist. As such we’ll be forwarding the piece on to the Smithsonian, NASA, Martha Stewart or any organization willing to accept it and keep it on display for the public to enjoy. We’re open to suggestions if they all turn us down.
I believe that God has a plan for all of us.
I believe that plan involves me getting my own planet.
And I believe; that the current President of The Church, Thomas Monson, speaks directly to God.
I am A Mormon,
And, dang it! a Mormon just believes!
Q. Oh, where can I go to learn about God, religion, being humble and serving the poor? (Remember: When claiming he out-gave Barack Obama, Mitt Romney referred to giving money to his church as “charitable donations.”)
A. Take this road two miles, hang a left at the oak tree, and look for the most opulent building in town. You can’t miss it. It’s the one that makes the Tower of Babel seem like child’s play. We call it a Temple. Don’t ask us how it was funded, though. Our financial records are more private than your phone calls.
This weekend, Thomas Monson, the 16th President of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, had a message for his faithful flock of 15 million worldwide via the LDS General Conference in Salt Lake City, Utah. We’ve built 142 temples, he proudly said, the most recent one in Gilbert, Arizona, and there will be a modest 172 of them by the time all current construction projects are completed.
Another Mormon leader had a slightly different message for the record number of nearly 85,000 Mormon missionaries crawling around the surface of this planet. Jeffrey Holland, an official member of a select group known as the Quorum Of Twelve, called on missionaries to “defend” their faith.
Holland pointed out that missionaries should stay strong and defend their faith despite the inevitable personal abuse they will encounter. (Source: FOX News.)
Since I couldn’t make the conference this year, I guess you could call this an open letter of sorts containing an opposing point of view from the Abyss. Maybe my invitation got lost in the mail?
Tom’s Law #42
You never have to defend your religion to me if you don’t stick it in my face in the first place. In other words, please don’t put me on the receiving end of your missionary position.
Source: Tom’s Infinite Book of Infinite Laws
Woody Allen got married for the first time in 1954 to Harlene Rosen. He was 19 and she was 16. The marriage took place in California with the blessing of Harlene’s parents. Reportedly it was Allen’s parents who were more resistant to the joining.
The marriage lasted about five years. After the divorce, Allen referred to Harlene as “the dread Mrs. Allen” in his comedy act and she sued him for defamation regarding comments he made on TV.
Later, when Allen was in a relationship with Mia Farrow, who he never married, he was discovered (while they were still a couple) with nude photographs he had taken of Soon-Yi Previn, Farrow’s adopted daughter who was about 19 years old at the time.
Later, Allen described Farrow’s discovery of the photographs as “one of the great pieces of luck” in his life. Allen later denied this series of events was a “scandal.”
What was the scandal? I fell in love with this girl, married her. We have been married for almost 15 years now. There was no scandal, but people refer to it all the time as a scandal and I kind of like that in a way because when I go I would like to say I had one real juicy scandal in my life.
After the relationship with Farrow ended, Allen was free to pursue Soon-Yi Previn. Allen was 57 and Soon-Yi was reportedly about 19. They were married about five years later in 1997 and remain married to this day. There is a 35-year difference in ages.
When asked about the age difference, Allen famously shrugged it off, saying, “The heart wants what the heart wants.”