Tag Archives: craigslist

There Are Stupid Questions

stupid-questionsSomeone the other day said to me, “You should write another blog post.” Technically that’s not a question. Technically.

They say you should be careful what you wish for. At least that’s what my parents told me.

Hang on. Please. We’re not accepting questions till the end. Please let me finish. You see, I know a thing or two about stupid questions. I used to ask them. A lot.

I did it on purpose. Ain’t I a stinker?

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Police State

sleeping_policeI ask if you will agree with this humble hypothesis:

Actions without consequence tend to repeat.
–Tom B. Taker

Do you agree or disagree with this statement?

If you stick a fork in an electrical socket and it shocks you, are you likely to do it again? If you touch a hot stove and get burned are you in a hurry to touch it some more?

Tell a dog to stay off the sofa and shoo him away a single time. The rest of the time allow him to lounge all over the bloody thing to his heart’s content. What lesson do you think the dog has learned?

Do you know about the most powerful force in the universe? It’s a child when improperly parented. That particular organism has the potential, in the right circumstances, to learn faster than any form of life we’ve ever encountered. Tell a child, “No, you cannot have the cookie.” Now comes the tricky part: Let the child eat all the cookies it wants. Maybe you’re busy playing Farmville. Maybe you’re composing your next tweet. Maybe, just maybe, you’re sick enough in the head to be doing it on purpose. Whatever. You can bet your life that the message has been received loud and clear. It’s the most instantaneous form of training we’ve ever discovered.

Try to teach them something important and it’s like pounding your head against a wall. But being assholes? That they absorb like sponges.

As I often try to do in my writings, I’m cleverly building to a point. It seems pretty obvious that a lack of consequences does not generally lead to good things. That child? She’s a future Chloe who has a shit fit on national television because her parents bought her a new car for her 16th birthday but it wasn’t an Escalade. She hates them, she does. Poor baby.

Have you accepted the hypothesis yet?

I was thinking about all of this when I violently had one of those aha moments. What if the precocious child in this story was the internet? And what if the role of mommy and daddy was played by the police? What might that look like?

Per usual I’ll begin with a charming anecdote and then slowly build up to the hate. Join me, won’t you? It’ll be fun!
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Coffee, Human Butts, and Greed Math

civetWe went to the trendy new fancy grocery store that opened in our neighborhood this week. We had received a coupon in the mail.

Buy one 12-ounce bag of our “Fedora Blend” and get one free.

Oh, what the hell. We stopped by on opening night.

Recap: We all know what a 12-ounce bag means, right? Deception. Price games. Trying to fuck the consumer. Price concealment. Gee, how do I opt in? I’m a buyer and I don’t want to beware!

So how much was the 12-ounce bag of coffee normally priced? $14 a bag.

With the coupon that made each bag $7 each. I did the math. That’s $9.33 a pound with the coupon. So what’s the normal price? $18.67 a pound. Fuck you.
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Help Wanted: Guru Assistant #craigslist

Craigslist scum

You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy. We must be cautious.

Craigslist – Gigs / Help Wanted: Personal Assistant

Here we grow again!

There’s an opening for a personal assistant on Team Guru.

The candidate must be experienced with “assisting” and being “personal.” The candidate will be enthusiastic, energetic, shameless and pathetic. Females 18+ only.

The successful candidate will be able to hold multiple positions on my staff while demonstrating a firm grasp of outstanding issues and anything that comes up.

A Ph.D. is preferred but candidates with Master’s degrees will be considered if they are proficient with magna cum laude.

Duties include (but are not limited to):

  • Manage inventory of Viagra for just-in-time delivery at “distribution center” at my desk
  • Make homemade Chicken McNuggets using only white meat
  • Coordinate Guru’s busy schedule and travel itinerary
  • Clean toilets
  • Whorehousing
  • Handwash underwear
  • Make coffee
  • Take dictation
  • Pre-chew all gum
  • Serve as ergonomic ottoman
  • Edit blog posts
  • Take messages
  • Give massages
  • Offer opinion on all tweets
  • Spam “like” social media as directed
  • Participate in friendly pillow fights
  • Screen calls especially those from my wife
  • Conduct blind taste tests
  • Change tapes on hidden camera monitoring system
  • Karaoke all lyrics to Radiohead’s Creep often

Requirements: Must be able to lift 50 pounds. Applicants subject to random pee testing. Must be height/weight proportional. Must be able to work long hours closely supervised all alone in a 10’x10′ home office. Must be comfortable with the human body and nudity. Being ticklish is a plus.

This is a non-salaried internship position. The hours will be as flexible as your body.

If you are a woman and interested, please feel free to send your head shot and stats (resumés are optional) to me immediately. Candidates must work well with others and may be subjected to a Survivor-style round robin elimination tournament.

If all other requirements are met an interest in actual negativity will be waived.

Ad copy provided by Barely Legal Headhunters, Inc.

Calling Again

eddieThis is day five of The Dog Days of Summer, a Blogdramedy writing challenge. If you came here looking for quality content you are decidedly barking up the wrong tree. -Ed.

Calling Again
Tom B. Taker

Eddie couldn’t hear everything they said but occasionally he picked up certain words like sweet, adorable and good boy.

He smiled the sort of smile they had never seen. If they had, he would have been sent away a long time ago. They had good cushions for rolling so he kept things on the down-low.

Eddie turned back to the computer, the glow illuminating his face, and proofed what he had entered into Craigslist:

Subject: Bitches for dinner shoots

Seeking playful and fetching models for private photo sessions. 2+ and female only please! Tame but must be open to fetish scenes including Tossed Salads and Scrambled Eggs. Nothing sexual!

Musical Pairing: Eddie by Styx

Addendum: As much as I hate to give anything away, I sincerely hope everyone gets the “dog years” joke. The online resource I used said that one dog year = 15 human years and that two dog years = 24 human years. So I played it safe and rounded up to two. It’s an 18+ adults only joke in dog form.

Blogdramedy’s The Dog Days of Summer writing challenge commands victims participants to author ten stories, ten days in a row, consisting of exactly 110 words each. All stores are themed based on dogs that she has pre-selected. For more information about the challenge and to view the work of other participants, please click the link. But only if you want stories that have real teeth.

Craigslist: Missed Connections writing challenge

You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villany. We must be cautious.

Blogdramedy has been whippin’ out the challenges, yo, so I thought I’d take a shot at it, too. Yeah, I wanna roll with the big boys.
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Fora and Fauna

You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy. We must be cautious.

The following thoughts are merely my opinions and understanding. I’m no attorney nor do I even watch them on TV. If I get something wrong, I sincerely apologize. Please let me know.

Recently the Supreme Court of the United States upheld the principle of free speech even when it damaged another person. In this case, damage that took the form of emotional distress at the hands of an organization that calls itself the Westboro Baptist Church. A jury had awarded millions of dollars in damages to the parents of a Marine who was killed in Iraq but the Supreme Court ruling negated that award.

A jury had awarded millions of dollars for intentional infliction of emotional stress to the parents of a Marine who was killed in Iraq. The high court said the nature of the speech, along with the church’s peaceful cooperation with local authorities and 1,000-foot separation from the funeral, took the protest into protected legal space. (Source.)

Free speech can be one of the ugliest and most vile aspects of a democracy like ours, but a vital aspect just the same.

Would you enjoy a parade by the Nazi party in full uniform down a street in your community? But that’s the sort of thing that “free speech” makes possible in our society.

This concept of “free speech” isn’t universal. For example, members of the Westboro Baptist Church have been banned from entering Canada due to “hate speech.” (Source.)

France also has a hate speech law:

The court’s decision is in marked contrast with the case of fashion designer John Galliano, the flamboyant creative director of Christian Dior, whose anti-Semitic rant at a Paris bar was captured on film. In France, where the law reflects a deep shame over the Vichy government’s complicity with the Holocaust, hate speech isn’t just unprotected; it’s illegal. Galliano was charged with the crime of making racist comments in public, which carries a $31,000 fine and up to six months in prison. (Source.)

But what is free speech? Does it apply everywhere and in all situations. Hardly. Yell “fire” in a crowded movie theater and you just might find yourself face to face with one example of such a limitation. (Strangely enough, however, it is still legal to yell “movie” in a crowded firehouse.)

What if I come over to your house? If I’m on private property, my right to free speech is left on the sidewalk. If the property owner doesn’t feel just hunky dory at any time and for any reason, he can legally compel you to leave the property. That’s the principle of property ownership at work. We’re the kings of our little castles.

Thus we see an important distinction. Free speech applies to public property and spaces. But it doesn’t extend everywhere. And it does have limits.

Consider the example of an internet forum. In most cases those are privately owned and operated by individuals, companies and corporations. Thus, there is absolutely no guarantee or right to the concept of “free speech” in that setting. The only exception would be if the forum was owned and operated by the government. But if not, guess what? The right to comment exists at the pleasure of the forum owner.

You’ll routinely hear vile and disgusting rabble whine about “free speech” on internet forums when they’ve forced the site owners to “moderate” their comments. Those actions can’t be deemed “censorship” (except, perhaps, from a public relations standpoint) since there is no right to “free speech” on a privately owned site.

Recently Twitter was accused of censoring hashtags pertaining to WikiLeaks. I believe, however, that Twitter can’t “censor” anything since they have the legal right to moderate their own content. And there are also some who say that Amazon.com was guilty of censorship when they prevented LGBT material from their search results.

Sure, these can be public relations nightmares, and justifiably so in some cases, but again the concept of private vs. public ownership must prevail.

Internet forums, including sites like Craigslist, take things a step further by providing a platform for hate speech from the safety of a remote location on the internet – all while remaining completely anonymous. This is akin to a boxing match where one of the contestants is blindfolded and has his hands tied behind his back. And that’s not exactly a fair fight.

Craigslist has basically three types of users. Scammers, spammers and trolls.

The scammers are the Nigerian scheme folks of the net. The people who respond to your ads only because they want to scout your house and then rip you off. Or worse. Like kill you over an item of jewelry.

The spammers, well, we’ve all been around the internet enough by now to know exactly what they do.

And last but certainly not least are the trolls. These are the people that you’d almost wouldn’t think even exist any more except for the fact that we have the internet. They don’t operate in the light of day. The require the freedom of anonymity.

Was are some examples of things that trolls do?

  • Post vile and vulgar racist crap
  • Attack homosexuals
  • Posts by women that “I’m sleeping with your husband”
  • Posts by men that “I’m sleeping with your wife”
  • Posts by women that “my husband is sleeping with your wife”
  • Posts by men that “my wife is sleeping with your husband”
  • All other possible combinations of who is sleeping with whom
  • Anonymously attacking restaurants
  • Accusing people by name of criminal acts
  • Post the home addresses of people they hate
  • Claiming responsibility for things like killing your cat
  • All [blanks] are [blanks] – ex: All Democrats are fags.
  • Trying to trick each other into showing up somewhere for a fist fight

Is this even remotely what “free speech” was intended to allow? I think not. If you’re going to act and say things like that, I personally don’t believe you should be able to do so from the relative safety and comfort of anonymity.

Perhaps it is time for some sort of hate speech law here in the United States. It shouldn’t be legal to hurt each other, at least not while remaining completely anonymous. And if you couldn’t do it anonymously I’m willing to wager we just might see a lot less of this sort of thing.