Skip to the Sue

As married people, my wife and I haven’t had all the conversations yet. But we’re getting close.

“Hey. I got a question.”

“Okay. Shoot.”

“Do you pick your nose?”

The pause wasn’t quite as long as you’d think. “Yeah. I do.”

Beat. Then, of course, the inevitable.

“Do you?”

“Fuck off! I ain’t answering that.”

Never underestimate the power of a fully-formed glare. “Yeah, okay. I do, too.”

The rest of that conversation, pertaining to the eating of said nose pickings, will not be published in this space. That’s premium content. We accept all major credit cards. But not PayPal!!!

Then, this other time, I turned to my wife and asked, “How many times, in your entire life, have you ever sued anyone?”

“None,” she said.

I nodded. “Me, either. I guess we’re not the litigious sort. We’re responsible for a combined total of zero lawsuits.”

Statistician for the win!

Then I hit with the sneaky follow-up question. “How many people do you wish you’d sued?”

This made her think a pretty long time. Finally, after my brain had hopped around to a baker’s dozen of other topics she said, “Maybe two.”

“Er? What the hell are we talking about again?”

“How about you?” she asked. “How many people would you sue?”

My response was instantaneous. “4.2 million. Give or take. Rounded to the nearest whole million.”

“I got beefs with a lot of people.”

Indeed.

By my calculations I have been wronged. A lot. My lawsuit will feature class and a lot of action. This is the Latin basis for the term we know today as “class action.”

In my plaintiveness I will make defendants of everyone I’ve ever met. Not only them, but their families, children, associates, descendants and forefathers. I will be the first people to successfully sue specific strands of DNA.

That kind of math quickly goes exponential. Yeah, 4.2 million bastards who were personally injurious to  yours truly is something I can easily imagine.

I can hold a grudge*.

And did someone say premium? Consider the case (that’s a legal word) of Nabisco Oyster Crackers. By far the most gigantor word on the package is PREMIUM. Not the biggest, like you’d think, is crackers. Or maybe oyster. Nope. PREMIUM.

Just look at that package. You’d think the product was something called “premium” and that words like “soup, oyster and crackers” were adjectives.

As far as I know Nabisco doesn’t even offer a “STANDARD” version of this product. Speaking logically, that renders the word “premium” to be completely devoid of any possible meaning. I looked it up in the dictionary just to make sure:

premium – you’re absolutely an idiot if you believe this word.
–Demotivational Dictionary, Fun Bridge Edition

Yup, yup.

It’s lawsuit go time! I will make them pay for what they’ve done! I’m currently seeking representation.

*And yet, I’ve never sued anyone. Ever. I’ve never even come close. Is this a topsy turvy world or what?