Facebook With Mom
A lot of people ask me, “Hey, asshole. Where do you get your blogging topics?” Good question. Using today as an example, I had an early morning Facebook chat with mom. Later, I decided to write about it. See? That’s how it’s done. -Ed.
I don’t use the Facebook a lot. It’s mainly for poking. And, way less often, liking. I’ve been patiently waiting for the HATE button. I’d settle for DISLIKE. Maybe then I’d use it more.
For me, the primary purpose of Facebook is that it’s a place to post selfies I’ve taken during urban riots when I’m standing atop overturned police cars that are on fire. With my shirt off.
Other than that I have little use for the thing.
Then there’s mom. You respond to a message from mom at your own peril.
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I can haz educashun?
Devices in the classroom? What could possibly go wrong?
Attention class! Eyes up here. Settle down, now! No, Siri is not allowed to say the Pledge of Allegiance on your behalf. We don’t offer citizenship by proxy. Yet. You just might be missing the point. And devices down before putting Siri and/or your hand over your heart.
Say what? Devices you say? In school? What fresh hell is this?
Okay, class. Who was the first president of the United States, often referred to as the father of our country? All together now, in unison, just like Wilma and Betty:
Google it!!!
Well done, class. iTunes credit for everyone! Except little Timmy, there, who’s family can’t even afford an iPhone 5s. Ha ha! Use the social media network of your choice, except Facebook (which is passé), to shame him and/or encourage him to commit suicide.
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Apple Bamboo
We recently hosted a quasi-invited guest. (She sort of invited herself. It was a Thanksgiving kind of thing.) We took this person downtown for shopping, out to dinner and put her up for the night. But this guest wasn’t alone. She was possessed of an uninvited interloper. It was an iPhone.
Introducing the “bamboo” sound.
DA-DA DA-DA DINT DA! Thwap!
The sound was a lot like that coffee commercial jingle only a lot more woody, with a strong, robust finish. It was like Juan Valdez had chugged too much tequila and was getting jiggy on the marimbas.
DA-DA DA-DA DINT DA! Thwap!
That sound haunts me. It chases me in my dreams, where it is the size of the Death Star and I’m running but making no progress. “The rebel base will be in range in 15 minutes.” Only, in this dream, there was no Luke Skywalker to eject a torpedo pulse into a tiny little hole and save the day. The floating space-suited black helmet dudes fired that sucker and blew me and my planet up. And guess what? The sound the Death Star beam made? It was the iPhone bamboo.
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When only the full Weiner will do
As a public service I am bringing you the full transcript of tweets from the sordid Weiner Affair.
Warning: Do not read pass the jump if you are easily offended by the twitterings of the horny.
If you do make the jump, enjoy the time-honored art of seduction in all of its glory.
Chatting with God
God as he appeared on Top Chef: Dieties
TRANSCRIPT
Me:
Hola!
God:
Howdy!
Me:
What’s up?
God:
The stars.
Me:
Sounds deep.
God:
Yes it sounds like it to me, too.
Me:
Are you high?
God:
Being high is my total existence.
Me:
LOLZ! RAWR!
God:
Do not ask me any more questions please. What were we talking about again?
Me:
I do not believe in you.
God:
What do you believe in?
Me:
Reality.
God:
It appears to be an illusion I created to contain human clients.
You can have your own chat with God here.
Facebook nirvana and tidbits
A team of experts attempts to determine a method of making Facebook useful
I recently learned two wonderful things about Facebook. Yep. Pick yourself up off the floor and read on…
Nirvana #1
The first was that you can go “offline” as far as Facebook chat is concerned. I hate popping into my Facebook for a quick peek and having chats start coming in. Now is not a good time, people!
Fixing it to hide your online status was pretty easy. Click the little chat box in the lower-right corner of the page. Then click “Options” in the window that opens up. Then click “Go offline.” Woot! No more being hijacked into chat!
Nirvana #2
I looked high and low for a way to turn off “application” notices on my wall. I was absolutely sick of them. I could fucking care less about shit like:
- Brandi found an extra part to build a Super Stove!
- Desireé has made a deal with The Collector to supply their friends with a free Collector Mystery Box in Vampire Wars.
- Marilyn reached level 5 in Be-Jeweled Whore.
- Bambi is sharing some savory, sweet and sour Tom Yum Goong!
- Candy needs the Sushi Sign Decor.
- Lexi gave birth to a jackal in Farmville!
- Sarah commented on her status. (She’s interested in herself? Egomaniac!)
Make it stop!!! Make it stop!!!
So I found out that if you hover over one of these so-called “announcements” a little button labeled “Hide” will become visible. Click it and you will be given the opportunity to block all future messages from that particular application in the future. Bingo! Facebook just improved a little bit.
Unfortunately I haven’t been able to find a way to block application messages on a global scale, so I’ll have to keep individually crushing these cockroaches under my boot heel one at a time.
Tidbit #1
A mother is being charged with harassment after her 16-year-old son decided to press charges for her hacking his Facebook account and posting messages. Read more.
Tidbit #2
A Facebook ban on pictures of breastfeeding has angered mothers. Let’s add a new word to our lexicon now. “Lactivists.” Read more.
Tidbit #3
You won’t see Shout Abyss on Facebook any time soon. I was going to create a page for my blog but they require real names. You’ll have to learn to live without me on those “social networking site.” Ha! Mwuhahaha!
Conclusion
Isn’t Facebook fun? How did we ever live without it?
All hail Merton the Improv Piano Guy
I apologize in advance, but I am going to have to YouTube you. This is some of the funniest shit I’ve ever seen. You’ve probably already seen it because I’m always the last to know, but here it is anyway:
I love this guy! Now I don’t own a web cam because they are one step below cell phones on the evil scale, but imagine the fun you could have on something like Chatroulette. Tosh.0 was even on it. 🙂
Shouts from the Abyss 
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