Here’s To Your Wealth

money-scamImagine only one human left on Earth. It can even be you, if you want. It can be a pristine Earth free of the ravages of any human stain or it can be an Omega Man-esque utopia with our hardscape marrings left behind.

As that proverbial last person alive, would you be wealthy?

I don’t normally write within the how to or self help genres. But today I am here to tell you how to acquire wealth. Real wealth. And by “real” I mean that which makes your peers weep tears of pain. What other kind of wealth is worth anything?

At this point I should probably make you aware of the EULA for this post: By opening and reading this far you have already acknowledged your consent that our friendly e-commerce nanites have transferred $14.95 from your account. Easy, fast, and convenient. Don’t worry. This is assuredly a premium experience.

Self-Help: How To Wealth

To have wealth, one must understand the ingredients of wealth. It’s not quite as simple as it looks. Here I’ll explain those ingredients so you can run out and replicate all the wealth you want. The sky’s the limit. You can, too.

Other People

The first ingredient is society. In this context, that means there must be at least one other person besides you. If you’re the only person alive, the whole world might be yours to plunder, but you don’t have any wealth.

On the plus side, unless you’re the Omega Man you probably already have this ingredient in abundance.

The Concept Of “Private Ownership”

This might seem obvious, but any system where everyone owns everything precludes the possibility. You’ll all own (and not own) exactly in the same amounts. There’s a pile of coconuts over there. Take one if you want. They belong to everyone. It does not matter how they got there or who did the work. That’s irrelevant and yesterday’s news.

On the other hand, if the pile of coconuts is “mine” that whole paradigm is irrevocably changed. In theory, I’m the only one allowed to touch them now. I may choose to offer a coconut to someone else, but that’s no longer their decision. It’s mine.


I have nine coconuts. You only have eight. Viola! I’m 12.5% more wealthy than you.

Conversion System

We can’t run around like Fred Flintstone using actual things like clams (or coconuts) to measure wealth. We need a method of converting reality and the physical world to the human-conceived imaginary world. That’s where “money” comes into play. You can’t carry one trillion clams in your pocketses no matter how precious. How about this? I’ll print some dead presidents on green pieces of paper and we’ll arbitrarily agree that each one is worth five clams.

Later you bring that piece of paper back and I’ll give you four clams in return. Look at that. We just invented inflation and processing fees.

To acquire wealth in the trillions we’ll just print different varietals of currency with higher numbers as needed.


As you can see, these ingredients build upon each other, each bringing it’s own locally-sourced, organic fresh bold flavors to the final meal, creating synergies of opportunity that will contribute to the unami of our cake of wealth. The ingredients above will make wealth but only the ordinary kind. You know the type: In realistic proportions that make actual sense. Who the hell wants that?

In order to leverage our conversion system into actual trillions requires something else. And that’s minions. No person is an island.

Minions are actually a specialized subset of Other People. These can take the form of slaves, indentured servants, or (more recently) minimum wage employees. Whatever politically correct form they take, true wealth, that is wealth in the trillions, is impossible without them. They are a necessary evil. Luckily they are disposable and easily replaced which is easy to do if you own all the coconuts.


You now have the ingredients. The rest is up to you. Personally I suggest flambé but to each their own. Stay wealthy, my friends.

3 responses

  1. This minion would like to point out a flaw in your scientific extrapolations:

    “I have nine coconuts. You only have nine. Viola! I’m 12.5% more wealthy than you.”

    I think I’m supposed to have less. And as it’s you, I’m happy with less. *grin*


    1. Oops. Math error. The worst kind. It was supposed to be I have nine coconuts and you only have eight. That means you are totally screwed.

      Except when guru is involved. Then less really is more.

      Thanks for actually reading the words and stuff.


      1. I read every word. Every. Word.
        Except after 5pm and the drinks cart opens and then it’s more like every other word.


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