Priced as marked
“This post doesn’t have a price tag? It must be free, right? Ha ha ha ha ha ha!”
In response, the Abyssian customer service associate doesn’t lose his shit and calmly points at the the wall. “Clearly you did not see our sign.” It reads:
“The next customer to crack the ‘it must be free’ joke on an unmarked item will be stabbed in the eye. Thank you for shopping Abyss Inc.”
–Our humorous sign (patent pending)
And no, this post is not free. By reading this far, per our implied EULA buried on some other page you’ve never visited, you already owe me $2.99. I’d immediately quit reading if I were you.
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I’m proud to be #2 in Google for the search term: MacroCost
Quite proud, actually. Macrocost ™ is a little something I invented to make fun of Microsoft. Get it? Hoooooweeeee I crack myself up.
So, anyway, the reason this popped into my head right now…
MICROSOFT IS THE EVER LIVING ZOMBIE BANE OF MY EXISTENCE!!!
Or something to that effect.
At the moment we are engaged in a “project” here at work. That, of course, is code for: We are up to our hips in shit. You know, the typical “we completely failed to plan” time crunch. And by “we” I mean the boss. And there is lots of yelling around here, like, “Move like you’ve got a purpose, maggots!”
Naturally when the chips are down and time is critical we turn to Microsoft to make sure we are completely and irrevocably fucked. I think that actual language can be found in their EULA which takes effect the nanosecond your retina looks in the direction of the five-dimensional authenticity hologram found on their boxes of software. I remember quite distinctly turning to my companion at the time I felt my eyeballs ping and saying, “I think I just got holo-raped.”
Random Factoid: Microsoft spends about 500,000 man hours per release of Windows on the authenticity hologram. Seven hours are spent on new features and other various improvements. 12,000 hours are spent on bug fixes. 24,000 hours are spent on the project code name.
If our enterprise was in the 24th century, the conversation might go down a little something like this:
Cmdr. Riker: Main engines just took a direct hit!
Capt. Picard: Options?
Riker: Eject the core. The resulting explosion should knock us clear.
Picard: Make it so, Number One!
Riker: Riker to Engineering. Geordi, we’ve got to eject the core in sixty seconds or we’re all dead!
Lt. Cmdr. Geordi La Forge: Umm, yeah, we’ve got a bit of a delay here. Microsoft Starship Console says, “Not Responding.” I’m going to have to get back to you on that.
Luckily, for us, the situation isn’t quite that dire. We are merely in the business of selling actual pieces of shit to obliviots who are informally known around here as “customers.” To get our priority project done right away we need to share files between two office computers. Hey, that should be a perfect job for Windows Networking, right?
Dammit, I still can’t see your Public folder!
Is the little hand icon visible?
I don’t know! Where is that supposed to be? Right click and Properties?
Oh crap. I just clicked the wrong menu option. Now we’ll have to wait five more minutes for it to fail and tell us that the “network resource” is “not available.”
Oh my God. You’re kidding, right?
Hang on! Something happened! Now it says, “Microsoft Word (not responding).”
At least it did something. That’s a good sign, right?
We are fucked.
Yep, our old friend Windows Networking. It doesn’t work and every time you click something you have to wait about five minutes for it to fail before you can try something else. Nope, the ESCAPE key and/or the little clickable red X are not your friends here. They are powerless. Nothing short of waiting interminably will do. Indubitably!
Try something else and wait five more minutes. Rinse. Repeat.
I’m so grateful we put our eggs in the Microsoft basket. Seriously. Where else can you get paid to have fun like this?