A message from the Godfather
How do most people handle “invitations” from the boss for company events on your off-duty time?
The word “invitations” is quoted above, of course, because when my boss is involved, the matter might be phrased in such a way that attendance seems to be optional but really it’s not.
You … will … be … there. Or else.
My boss has a long history of making off-duty invitations that had better not be ignored. As always what he wants is of paramount importance.
One time he wanted an office Christmas party – on fucking Dec. 24th of all things – and he only provided a few days of notice! I told him – surprise surprise – that I already had plans with my family that afternoon. I wasn’t even lying. Imagine that! Families having plans on Christmas Eve? Who could ever foresee something like that! If only there was a way!
Long story short, we played a cat and mouse game that ended with him threatening my Christmas “bonus” if I didn’t attend. He flat out told me, “If you don’t go, you don’t get a bonus.”
I said, “Then that is the way it shall be, since I still got these plans, yo.”
That says a lot, doesn’t it? “I’m your employee. I won’t spend Christmas with you at your little tea party even if my yearly bonus hangs in the balance. Merry Go To Hell! Ho ho ho.”
As we all know, he turned every screw in his arsenal against me and I eventually capitulated – thus earning myself a legendary $50 gift card to Wal-Mart. Oh poop.
Another time it was an employee potluck on fight night. Yes, the boss just loves him some pugilistic delights. He does all the pay-per-view bullshit and will jizz in his pants over humans hurting each other. Again we respectfully declined, mainly because we don’t like hanging with the boss, our free time is precious to us, and we don’t fucking enjoy his sort of “entertainment.”
If you truly care about someone and invite them to an activity, you do so because you want to be nice and do something nice for them. It’s not about control and getting what you want. In that scenario when someone graciously declines you accept it without complaint. You might feel disappointed but you would probably recognize the fact that other people are human beings and not your personal Barbie and Ken dolls to play with.
Of course my boss doesn’t care, doesn’t see things that way, and is all about the control and squeals like a stuck pig until he gets his way. No matter the cost. You will show your neck to him for him to rip out with his bare teeth.
So that brings us to present day…
All of the employees have been “invited” to a “celebration” at a company dinner. It turns out that myself and one other employee have been with the company for five goat-fucking years. And that is something of significance that demands recognition – in the form of more torture during our off duty hours. Things that I would really appreciate, like a cash bonus, a paid day of, or even a gold Casio, are, of course, completely out of the question.
Incidentally that other employee threatened to quit today and un-RSVP from the party! LOLOL! Yeah, you might say morale is low around here. I plan to publish the results of my special employee job satisfaction survey soon. I’ll probably be done gathering data by tomorrow.
Anyway, I was studying the “invitation” and realized it just reeked of my boss’s special control stylings.Things like:
- NOTICE TO ALL EMPLOYEES.
- RSVP is required for reservation.
- RSVP ASAP
Sounds like something fun is in the horizon, eh??? 🙂
“Yes, boss! Right away, boss. Thank you, boss. May I have another, boss?”
Oh, and the kicker? They’ve picked the local shithole disgusting restaurant for this little shindig! Yep, someplace I really don’t care for at all. It’ll be a low-brow festival of pain and hog wallerin’. As usual it never occurs to him to think about what someone else might want and enjoy. Just decide for them. They’re probably too stupid to know, anyway. Thank God boss-man is here to save the day!
Maybe if I live through it and not kill anyone I’ll be able to report back later on how it went…
Shouts from the Abyss 
Years ago I use to have to go to these ridiculous after hour meetings. In the end I use to rock up in my PJ’s and pillow, they soon got the hint 🙂
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I once quit a 16-year job because of a damn meeting. Maybe I’ll share that story soon…
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Why is it that people put something together in your honor and then don’t consider what YOU would want to do. I want to take you to dinner for your birthday, why don’t you drive up by me and I’ll take you to Indian even though you hate curry? Asswipes.
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Exactly! 🙂
That’s because it’s all about them, not the people they say they want to recognize.
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I almost forgot: The restaurant they are talking us to is the local all-you-can-eat buffet. They don’t take reservations! My wife and I avoid the place like the plague.
One idea I had is to let him pay for my meal and then consume nothing but water. “Oh?” I say. “Yeah, I don’t eat here.” LOLOLOL!
Another idea was to bring a slutty girl with me and pretend she’s my girlfriend on the side. “Please don’t tell my wife,” I’d say. The point would be to make them as uncomfortable as possible and get them to sprint away from the situation early.
Unfortunately I don’t actually have the guts to pull this idea off in style. 🙂
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But wait, if he says “RSVP ASAP,” that means you can tell him NO. I mean, you can send a little card, with gild edges and a nice pink envelope, and check the little “Not Attending” box, and that’s that!
Oh, wait, the party’s for you, huh? Sucks, man.
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Bah. I am sorry to hear you must suffer through another one of your boss’s “fun” activities.
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And I’m not going!!! I told Mr.A “No way in hell am I attending, in any way, shape or form!”. If I’m forced to sit face to face with that “Shit Heel, I will not hold my tongue. He truly is an unethical, back stabbing, brow beating, lying, manipulating, foul breathed Christian phony of the worst kind. Not too mention that I will not hold his slimy hand for the mandatory “fake Christian prayer” that we all must suffer through no matter what religion we prefer.
Anywho, being that I don’t want Mr. A to get fired for spouting my big mouth off we devised a plan. When Abyss gets to the local pig trough (which by the way is the worst restaurant in our berg…I kid you not) “Shit Heel” picked out to honor Abyss and another employee he will tell Mr. and Mrs. Shit Heel that I got stuck at work and couldn’t make it. We thought of just telling them I couldn’t make it the night in question but then they would have planned it another night or another night or…well you get my drift. Basically we have to lie to the liar.
Bon Appetit Bitches!
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[…] Due to the amazing employee turnover rate, it wasn’t long until we were both the “old timers,” the longest serving employees at the company. In fact, earlier this year, we were both recognized for five years of service with an offer we couldn’t refuse. […]
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