Breaking the poop barrier
ZOMG. Yesterday we went to [gasp] Wal-Mart. Again.
My wife was invited to her cousin’s baby shower. Apparently there was a gift registry at Wal-Mart. My wife wanted to go, so we went.
Not to give away too much of the plot behind this post, but after about five minutes in the store, my wife was overheard to say, “The hell with this fucking place!”
Oh yeah. Now I’m interested. š
The wife had it in her head to get cloth diapers. So to the baby section we went. It was the second time I’d set foot in that area of the store in my life. The first, of course, was the last time she needed baby shower gifts.
She searched and searched and searched and could not find cloth diapers. It was futile. I even helped her. The quest for cloth diapers was epic fail. However, I slowly became aware that there was a shitload of diaper styles to choose from, if you’ll excuse the pun.
Some of them that caught my eye included (and none of these are made up):
- Baby Dry – Erm. Isn’t that the purpose of all diapers? These ones were apparently for “newborns.”
- Natural Fit – Yeah, don’t bother with theĀ unnaturalĀ fit diapers. What are you? Some kind of loser? Your baby wants comfort!
- Snug and Dry – Snug sounds good.
- Little Snugglers – More for the newborn!
- Ultra Leakguards – Um, yeah! Forget dryness. I don’t want pee on me!
- Little Movers – Apparently for babies on the go.
- Supreme Little Movers – For upper class babies on the go?
- Little Movers Jeans – For those delicate times you need your diapers to look like blue jeans.
- Swaddlers Sensitive – Helping a sensitive tushy sounds noble, but where is the snug, dry, blowout, leakguard protection?
- Extra Protection – This one comes with a secret compartment for your handgun.
- Premium Stretch – Your baby must be fat or a descendant of the Fantastic 4
- Boys Underpants – It’s still a diaper but you feel so much more sophisticated and older.
- Ultratrim – Lets air through, presumably to carry smells to innocent passerby.
- Ultratrim Baby-Shaped – OK, who’s the dumb ass that would ever buy the other kind?
- Cruisers Dry Max – Because nothing should say “chicks” like a diaper.
- Overnites – Apparently all of the others can only be worn in the day time.
- Preemies – Gentle umbilical cord care – need we say more? For those who just can’t wait.
- Pure and Natural – That refers to the diaper, not the baby. It’s not easy being green.
- Stages Swaddlers – Start at level 1, gain experience and work your way up!
Note: To keep this list from getting unnecessarily long, all diapers for dogs have been omitted.
Just how many frickin’ kinds of diapers do we need? There was jumbo, chlorine free, touch of aloe, super absorbent, super dry, sensitive, different stages, hugflex, soft and cozy, non-woven tapes, clothlike Ā backsheets, cotton, breathable, gauze-weave fabric,Ā caterpillar-flex, ultra-skin guard liner, mild cosmetic ingredients, super-stretchy closure tabs, and much much more. Just mix and match these terms and you can design your own new line of diapers fit for an American baby, the best babies on earth.
Any idea why the only thing we couldn’t find in the friggin’ story was disposable diapers? My gut tells me it has a little something to do with wanting you to keep coming back again and again for more. If you bought cloth diapers they’d sell much less of them. We must consume and dispose, consume and dispose. Nothing else will do!
An offer you can’t refuse
A message from the Godfather
How do most people handle “invitations” from the boss for company events on your off-duty time?
The word “invitations” is quoted above, of course, because when my boss is involved, the matter might be phrased in such a way that attendance seems to be optional but really it’s not.
You … will … be … there. Or else.
My boss has a long history of making off-duty invitations that had better not be ignored. As always what he wants is of paramount importance.
One time he wanted an office Christmas party – on fucking Dec. 24th of all things – and he only provided a few days of notice! I told him – surprise surpriseĀ – that I already had plans with my family that afternoon. I wasn’t even lying. Imagine that! Families having plans on Christmas Eve? Who could ever foresee something like that! If only there was a way!
Long story short, we played a cat and mouse game that ended with him threatening my Christmas “bonus” if I didn’t attend. He flat out told me, “If you don’t go, you don’t get a bonus.”
I said, “Then that is the way it shall be, since I still got these plans, yo.”
That says a lot, doesn’t it? “I’m your employee. I won’t spend Christmas with you at your little tea party even if my yearly bonus hangs in the balance. Merry Go To Hell! Ho ho ho.”
As we all know, he turned every screw in his arsenal against me and I eventually capitulated – thus earning myself a legendary $50 gift card to Wal-Mart. Oh poop.
Another time it was an employee potluck on fight night. Yes, the boss just loves him some pugilistic delights. He does all the pay-per-view bullshit and will jizz in his pants over humans hurting each other. Again we respectfully declined, mainly because we don’t like hanging with the boss, our free time is precious to us, and we don’t fucking enjoy his sort of “entertainment.”
If you truly care about someone and invite them to an activity, you do so because you want to be nice and do something nice for them. It’s not about control and getting what you want. In that scenario when someone graciously declines you accept it without complaint. You might feel disappointed but you would probably recognize the fact that other people are human beings and not your personal Barbie and Ken dolls to play with.
Of course my boss doesn’t care, doesn’t see things that way, and is all about the control and squeals like a stuck pig until he gets his way. No matter the cost. You will show your neck to him for him to rip out with his bare teeth.
So that brings us to present day…
All of the employees have been “invited” to a “celebration” at a company dinner. It turns out that myself and one other employee have been with the company for five goat-fucking years. And that is something of significance that demands recognition – in the form of more torture during our off duty hours. Things that I would really appreciate, like a cash bonus, a paid day of, or even a gold Casio, are, of course, completely out of the question.
Incidentally that other employee threatened to quit today and un-RSVP from the party! LOLOL! Yeah, you might say morale is low around here. I plan to publish the results of my special employee job satisfaction survey soon. I’ll probably be done gathering data by tomorrow.
Anyway, I was studying the “invitation” and realized it just reeked of my boss’s special control stylings.Things like:
- NOTICE TO ALL EMPLOYEES.
- RSVP is required for reservation.
- RSVP ASAP
Sounds like something fun is in the horizon, eh??? š
“Yes, boss! Right away, boss. Thank you, boss. May I have another, boss?”
Oh, and the kicker? They’ve picked the local shithole disgusting restaurant for this little shindig! Yep, someplace I really don’t care for at all. It’ll be a low-brow festival of pain and hog wallerin’. As usual it never occurs to him to think about what someone else might want and enjoy. Just decide for them. They’re probably too stupid to know, anyway. Thank God boss-man is here to save the day!
Maybe if I live through it and not kill anyone I’ll be able to report back later on how it went…
Shouts from the Abyss 
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