Helicopter crash claims life of blogging activist
Staff Columnist Heywood Jablome
Capital City, Abyss – A WordPress blogger was killed today when his single-engine helicopter crashed into a family home just outside of Capital City.
No injuries were reported to the occupants of the house.
Reports indicate that Tom B. Taker, grandfather and of indeterminate age, was the only passenger in the helicopter when it veered out of control and violently impacted a single family dwelling near a makeshift helipad. First responders pronounced Taker dead at the scene.
Taker, best known for his WordPress blog Shouts From the Abyss and a self-described “guru of negativity,” is survived by his wife and two gerbils.
Witnesses said that it was only Taker’s second time at the controls, having earlier successfully completed a short test flight. Immediately after takeoff the aircraft veered violently out of control and landed on the residential structure. There were no reports of fire, but FAA officials said Taker was killed immediately upon impact.
Officials confirmed reports that during an earlier test flight Taker had been witnessed “teasing cats” during low-altitude passes with the aircraft. “It’s pretty sick,” said one official. “Off the record? In my opinion the bastard got what he deserved.” (We regret the accidental inclusion of this quote. -Ed)
According to eye-witnesses, Taker had just received the helicopter earlier in the day as Christmas gift from his wife. An FAA spokesperson confirmed that Taker’s flight was illegal. “Taker did not file a flight plan. Also, we can find no records that [Taker] was rated on this type of craft. In fact, as far as we can tell, he’s never had any flying experience of any kind.”
The NTSB has initially designated the crash as “accidental with reservations.” An official confirmed that a “death wish” theory has not been ruled out. Although an autopsy is planned, some reports have also suggested Taker may have been under the influence of prescription medications at the time of the crash. Taker was rumored to have a rare medical condition known as fuckyouitis. “We’ve seen this sort of thing before,” said an NTSB spokesperson under condition of anonymity. “Aspiring pilots have been known to take a dangerous mixture of medications that they call a ‘cocktail.’ It includes, among other things: Lipitor, Plavix, Crestor, Ambien, Viagra, Celebrex, Cialis, Prilosec, Levitra and Zoloft. But it no longer contains any Red Bull. These days the cocktail is normally administered via Four Loko.”
Pending the autopsy, the NTSB spokesperson added, “This accident was 100 percent pilot error. Normally we take weeks to investigate the debris field, but in this case we are certain. There was no mechanical failure here.”
A police spokesperson would not elaborate on reports that Taker was found with a note on his person claiming that his wife was trying to kill him.
Taker’s Ray Ban sunglasses were not injured in the accident.
Taker’s widow confirmed rumors regarding a strange request of her late husband. “Yes, it’s true,” she said. “He spoke often about it, and even confirmed it on his blog. He wants the phrase “He never tasted Red Bull” engraved on his tombstone.
Guest Blog courtesy of Mrs. Abyss…
How to ruin Christmas in seconds
- Buy husband expensive remote control helicopter.
- Let husband actually play with said helicopter.
- Let husband take helicopter out of house even though you warned him not to.
- Follow husband out of house, watch him take off from the ground, fly straight up and crash it onto the peak of the roof.
- Look at husband, shake my head and call him a two-year old.
Merry freakin’ Christmas!