Tag Archives: medication

Pharma-size Me

Before I begin, let me just say this: It was nice knowin’ y’all! 🙂

I have decided on my next ambitious project. It is based on the simple premise that what is advertised on television must be good for you.

Those of us in the United States are lucky enough to be in one of only two countries in the world where “direct to consumer” (DTC) advertising of prescription medications is legal. (The other being New Zealand.)

New Zealand legalized DTC advertising of prescription medications in 1981 and the United States followed suit in 1997. (Source: Wikipedia.)

The goal for my project is simple. To consume as many prescription drugs as I can for 30 days and document what happens. And let the chips fall where they may!

I have to be honest. When I see those commercials for prescription drugs on television, I’m very curious about the endless litany of “side effects” that get mentioned. I began to wonder: Can these be stacked up for even greater effect?

I decided to find out!

To keep things fair, this little experiment will be restricted to only those medications that are advertised on television. I imagine that will force me to make some hard choices from a selection of only a few thousand different drugs. (That’s just a guess.)

I’m especially looking forward to seeing what happens when the drugs are combined in new and interesting ways. The technical term for this is “interactions.” Aw, heck. Interactions? That doesn’t sound like anything too bad! Sign me up!

So look out Cialis and Ambien. You, too, Viagra and Lipitor! I’m coming for you. Watch your back, Zoloft. I’m gonna eat you up!

Our modern society in the United States is the most heavily medicated civilization of all time. American children are three times more likely to be put on psychotropic drugs than children in Europe. (Source: ScienceDaily.) And I’ve heard that medicated drivers are a “far worse” problem than drunk drivers. (Source: NaturalNews.com) It it high time for me to get with the program and find out about what I’ve been missing!

For the conditions of my experiment, I’ll consume three random prescription medications three times a day (with breakfast, lunch, and dinner).

For bonus excitement there will be a “Dead Pool” running on the side. Pick the day I die and win fun prizes!

Tom B. Taker dies in helicopter accident

Authorities have cordoned off the crash site pending an official investigation.

Helicopter crash claims life of blogging activist
Staff Columnist Heywood Jablome

Capital City, Abyss – A WordPress blogger was killed today when his single-engine helicopter crashed into a family home just outside of Capital City.

No injuries were reported to the occupants of the house.

Reports indicate that Tom B. Taker, grandfather and of indeterminate age, was the only passenger in the helicopter when it veered out of control and violently impacted a single family dwelling near a makeshift helipad. First responders pronounced Taker dead at the scene.

Taker, best known for his WordPress blog Shouts From the Abyss and a self-described “guru of negativity,” is survived by his wife and two gerbils.

Witnesses said that it was only Taker’s second time at the controls, having earlier successfully completed a short test flight. Immediately after takeoff the aircraft veered violently out of control and landed on the residential structure. There were no reports of fire, but FAA officials said Taker was killed immediately upon impact.

An image of the aircraft taken just before the accident. (Obtained from security camera footage.)

Officials confirmed reports that during an earlier test flight Taker had been witnessed “teasing cats” during low-altitude passes with the aircraft. “It’s pretty sick,” said one official. “Off the record? In my opinion the bastard got what he deserved.” (We regret the accidental inclusion of this quote. -Ed)

According to eye-witnesses, Taker had just received the helicopter earlier in the day as Christmas gift from his wife. An FAA spokesperson confirmed that Taker’s flight was illegal. “Taker did not file a flight plan. Also, we can find no records that [Taker] was rated on this type of craft. In fact, as far as we can tell, he’s never had any flying experience of any kind.”

The NTSB has initially designated the crash as “accidental with reservations.” An official confirmed that a “death wish” theory has not been ruled out. Although an autopsy is planned, some reports have also suggested Taker may have been under the influence of prescription medications at the time of the crash. Taker was rumored to have a rare medical condition known as fuckyouitis. “We’ve seen this sort of thing before,” said an NTSB spokesperson under condition of anonymity. “Aspiring pilots have been known to take a dangerous mixture of medications that they call a ‘cocktail.’ It includes, among other things: Lipitor, Plavix, Crestor, Ambien, Viagra, Celebrex, Cialis, Prilosec, Levitra and Zoloft. But it no longer contains any Red Bull. These days the cocktail is normally administered via Four Loko.”

Pending the autopsy, the NTSB spokesperson added, “This accident was 100 percent pilot error. Normally we take weeks to investigate the debris field, but in this case we are certain. There was no mechanical failure here.”

A police spokesperson would not elaborate on reports that Taker was found with a note on his person claiming that his wife was trying to kill him.

Taker’s Ray Ban sunglasses were not injured in the accident.

Taker’s widow confirmed rumors regarding a strange request of her late husband. “Yes, it’s true,” she said. “He spoke often about it, and even confirmed it on his blog. He wants the phrase “He never tasted Red Bull” engraved on his tombstone.

Guest Blog courtesy of Mrs. Abyss…

How to ruin Christmas in seconds

  1. Buy husband expensive remote control helicopter.
  2. Let husband actually play with said helicopter.
  3. Let husband take helicopter out of house even though you warned him not to.
  4. Follow husband out of house, watch him take off from the ground, fly straight up and crash it onto the peak of the roof.
  5. Look at husband, shake my head and call him a two-year old.

Merry freakin’ Christmas!