Gold nugget economics: I’m gold, you’re poop

Gold nugget economics is a theory of mine. It is equally valid during times of recession and times of economic recovery. In my experience as I’ve seen it in the field it is remarkably universal.

This theory states that whatever “I” produce is always considered to be of the highest possible value – the gold. Conversely, whatever “you” produce is always considered to be of the lowest possible value – the poop.

I’ll provide a couple examples of this theory in action.

When you are the consumer, you are often forced to accept very severe and rigid terms if you want a service or product. The accounts you maintain as a customer will not hesitate to slap your ass with things like instant shut off the second you are past due, penalties, interest, nasty notices, etc. As a business person, though, if you have accounts that are seriously past due and try to add a 1.5 percent late charge per month, the customer will angrily storm into your office, throw a major conniption, then yell in your face that he’ll never be your customer again.

Yes, the laws of the universe dictate that stuff like this can only flow one way. As far as phenomenon go, it is probably one of the most dramatic one-way forces you’ll ever encounter.

Say you’ve been a customer at a bank for eight years. They give you a whopping two percent annual return on the money you keep with them. But if you make a mistake and overdraw your checking by $7, they won’t even call. Bingo bango and you’ve got $74 in NSF fees because they were thoughtful enough to run your mistake through twice. If that $7 was a loan you just paid 700 percent interest. Talk about gold nuggets!

Here’s another example. As a manufacturer, you charge top dollar for the stuff you make or the services you provide. As a front-line employee for that company, I get to hear it from the customers. “I opened the box and couldn’t believe I had paid X amount of dollars for the crap I got.” Yep, another gold nugget has been served. Then you also have the demon clients who want to quibble over every little charge. “You charged me $10 for shipping but the label on the box shows you only paid $8 to the shipping company.” For some strange reason my boss doesn’t enjoy his gold nuggets being questioned. The fun part for me, though, is to then watch my boss turn around and become the demon client for someone else. That’s when it’s his turn to tell someone else that they are the poop. He charges top dollar over here but then becomes the biggest penny pincher you’ve ever seen when the tables are turned. Yes, asshole, you’re the only one who deserves enough money to have food, clothing and shelter and provide for your younglings. No one else needs stuff like that. Only you.

Yes, the gold nugget theory of economics is a never-ending cycle of fun.