Microtears Of A Clown #wink
So the other day I was reading this article about poop and thongs (it’s my way) when a line of text reached out and grabbed me:
Wipe thoroughly but gently. Too much friction may cause microtears, which are more prone to infection if fecal matter gets inside them.
Source: Jezebel.com – Why Is There Poop on My Thong? An Investigation
If you’re anything like me (and you’re probably not) your first reaction might be, “Hey, motherfucker! That’s some goddamned useful information.”
My lot in life is to be behind the times and bring up the rear.
Now I understand as well as the next person that in our fear-based taboo-driven culture we’re supposed to figure out most valuable life knowledge via “self-exploration.” But where do we draw the line? Perchance maybe this nugget of wisdom should have risen to the level of being lore that might have been passed on?
Young people have to rely on adults to share the true mysteries of life. We simply aren’t born with the ability to glean it all on our own.
Where adults fail, education is supposed to finish the job. Yet, somehow, none of my classes ever got around to a topic like this. Not health class. Not home economics. Not wood shop. Not even my favorite class, Septics 201.
Now, in my twilight hours, I’m forced to rely on a snarky internet post to finally explain the facts of life when, really, it’s information that should have been brought to my attention yesterday. Only now, at the end, do I finally understand.
I can’t help but wonder what else I don’t know.
Gold nugget economics: I’m gold, you’re poop
Gold nugget economics is a theory of mine. It is equally valid during times of recession and times of economic recovery. In my experience as I’ve seen it in the field it is remarkably universal.
This theory states that whatever “I” produce is always considered to be of the highest possible value – the gold. Conversely, whatever “you” produce is always considered to be of the lowest possible value – the poop.
I’ll provide a couple examples of this theory in action.
When you are the consumer, you are often forced to accept very severe and rigid terms if you want a service or product. The accounts you maintain as a customer will not hesitate to slap your ass with things like instant shut off the second you are past due, penalties, interest, nasty notices, etc. As a business person, though, if you have accounts that are seriously past due and try to add a 1.5 percent late charge per month, the customer will angrily storm into your office, throw a major conniption, then yell in your face that he’ll never be your customer again.