In Brevity: Starbucks?! Starfucks!!
This week Starbucks announced changes to their rewards program. What does it mean?
Don’t worry. I’m here to break it down brevity-style. No, not breve. Starbucks “baristas” don’t know that word.
Why the change? According to Starbucks Newsroom official website it was done “based on the #1 customer request” to have more stars. In other words, you asked for this. Look what you made us do!
In the way back I’d heard about Starbucks stars. I drank there when it was in my face and I wanted coffee so I enthusiastically figured, “What the hell?” I signed up and gave it a try.
Starbucks Thanksgiving
Membership has it’s snivileges. –Ed.
The new gold card’s here! The new gold card’s here! I’m somebody now! Millions of people look at this card every day! This is the kind of spontaneous publicity, your name in print, that makes people. I’m in print! Things are going to start happening to me now.
…
I walked confidently into the corner coffee shop. I got in line and waited a quarter hour. Finally it was my turn. I cleverly placed my order. “I’ll have a chestnut praline latte with a twist. Shaken, not stirred. Make it a grande.” I whipped the gold card out of my camouflage wallet and presented it to the barista. Light from the trendy overhead track lighting reflected and momentarily blinded her. “The name’s Taker. Tom B. Taker.”
Several women in the vicinity immediately swooned and removed their tops. Decisions, decisions.
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Outside The Box
We’ve all been told at some point in our lives to “think outside the box” by some weasel-face jackass, right?
The problem is when your mind is limited, it’s really hard to be aware of how it’s limited. Because, you know, you’re not even aware. True original thought is so contrary to our ingrained pre-programmed mental pathways that if we actually had one it would bite us in the ass.
Perhaps heart attacks and strokes are merely the symptoms of people who’ve experienced an original thought. Hey, I’ll bet that’s an original thought right there. Ugh. What’s this tingling in my fingers? Oh, pretty rainbow colors. My head hurts.
Thunk!
Oops. Sorry about that. I’m back. Turns out it wasn’t an original thought after all. Just the same old thing that always when I happen to stand up too fast. I’ll try to be more careful so we can get this damn post over and done with.
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BlogFestivus: Old Weezer Ebenezer
This story is the first of a five-part series of 200-word stories for BlogFestivus, A Christmas Carol. Check out the links (at the bottom of this post) to all the participating “ghost” writers for this year’s challenge. I suspect you’re in for some dark, yet jolly, days ahead. -BD
Old Weezer Ebenezer
by Tom B. Taker
Ebenezer Scrooge, perched in his private box overlooking the pavilion, permitted himself the luxury of the barest ghost of a smile. It was as cold as the dickens but there was nothing quite like being filled with the Christmas spirit to keep the chill at bay. A wee nip in the flask didn’t hurt, either.
His eyes twinkled like Old Saint Nick himself as they caught a jerk of movement from the foreman. ‘Twas the signal that the preparations were complete. His crooked nose twitched involuntarily.
With all the dignity his aged body could summon, he slowly stood and shuffled to the podium. He nodded and the foreman whisked a tarpaulin away, revealing a grand statue of Ebenezer himself.
“With this monument,” he announced, “we celebrate a great day. At last, all of the remaining poor have been terminated.”
A muted cheer rippled lamely through the assembled throng. Fools, he thought with a snort. Moments to savor like this didn’t occur all that often.
He raised mitten-covered hands and waited for his workers to settle down. They huddled together and looked to him with their expectant faces.
“With them gone … you are the new poor.”
He grinned.
“You’re fired!”
—
Click on the links below for more takes on A Christmas Carol from our other BlogFestivus bloggers:
Linda penning at linda vernon humor
Steve from Stevil
Maria-Christina blogging at MCWhispers
Dylan of Treatment of Visions
Sarah from Parent Your Business
Dawn blogging at Lingering Visions
K8edid from k8edid
Dave bringing it at 1pointperspective
Eileen from Not The Sword But The Pen
Lindsey at RewindRevise
Kandy of Kandy Talk
Sandra writing at In Love With Words
Natalie from So I Went Undercover
Jen at Blog It or Lose It
Amelie from In the Barberry
Cee Cee blogging at Cee Cee’s Blog
Ashley from LittleWonder2
BD writing Blogdramedy
Going for the Gold!
Ever want to make a negativity guru feel positive and ruin his day? This is your big chance. If you like the above tweet then I hope you’ll consider retweeting it to your followers.
Just like everyone else, I hope someday to be a proud sponsor of the American dream.
This tweet is my dream. Won’t you help it live on?
The Golden Poo award: Post of the Year 2010
The wife got to have her fun. Now it’s my turn.
In a new tradition here in the Abyss, I decided I wanted to highlight my favorite Post of the Year for 2010. Because of my wife’s prodigious use of the word “ego” in the previous post, I decided to select only one post.
I knew the award had to be gold. I knew it had to be poop. What I didn’t know was that the internet would have exactly what I had envisioned.
Maybe my thinking isn’t quite as original as I like to believe?
And the 2010 Golden Poo for the best original post shat from the Abyss in a screenplay, adaptation or blog goes to…
Post: In the service of the King
Originally posted on January 5, 2010
This has got to be one of the most favorite things I’ve ever written. I just love it if I do say so myself. (And I don’t mind if I do.) I even created the photoshop to come up my family’s very own coat of arms. Interestingly, the meaning behind the fictional name of “Gristle” isn’t too far from the real truth! I’m so happy to be carrying on with a proud family tradition.
I think this post represents the peak of this particular blog and it has all been downhill ever since.
Long live The Golden Poo!
Gold nugget economics: I’m gold, you’re poop
Gold nugget economics is a theory of mine. It is equally valid during times of recession and times of economic recovery. In my experience as I’ve seen it in the field it is remarkably universal.
This theory states that whatever “I” produce is always considered to be of the highest possible value – the gold. Conversely, whatever “you” produce is always considered to be of the lowest possible value – the poop.
I’ll provide a couple examples of this theory in action.
When you are the consumer, you are often forced to accept very severe and rigid terms if you want a service or product. The accounts you maintain as a customer will not hesitate to slap your ass with things like instant shut off the second you are past due, penalties, interest, nasty notices, etc. As a business person, though, if you have accounts that are seriously past due and try to add a 1.5 percent late charge per month, the customer will angrily storm into your office, throw a major conniption, then yell in your face that he’ll never be your customer again.
Shouts from the Abyss 
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