M is for Milestone

Hide & Seek… 997 … 998 … 999 … 1,000! Ready or not, here I come!

Hey, where did everyone go? You mean I’ve been all by myself this whole time? Wow. Who knew?

Yes, I’m as subtle as always. No doubt you can tell by now: This is my 1,000th blog post!

Yeah! Exciting, isn’t it? “M” is the Roman numeral for 1,000. I get it. Clever. Mildly. Erm, whatever. Okay, now what?

Humans sure do love counting things, don’t they? 1,000 posts? That’s almost as interesting as how many rotations around the sun you’ve lived.

Math break: I write about 50 posts a year. (That’s almost one per week!) That works out to be about 20 years now I’ve been sloggin’ the bloggin’ on WordPress. I remember it well. Back when I launched this thing I still drove a ’69 Pontiac Le Mans and the rear windows rolled all the way down. (They used to do that.)

Anyway, I guess that makes this is a party so thanks for stopping by to help me celebrate. Just for reading this far in the post you’ve already won yourself a “participant” ribbon, so you’ve got that going for ya.

This blog has been quite the journey. A started out bitching in my very first post and I’ve never looked back. I thought it would be boring and lame as hell to go through a painstakingly detailed introspective of what has happened so far on the blog. Who’s with me?

Famous Quotation: It’s not the destination. It’s the journey.
Tom: What a bunch of bull crap!

No, I haven’t reached my destination. No shit, Sherlock. By this time I had planned to have a mansion next to that woman who is Hugh Hefner’s former girlfriend and we’d appear on a reality TV show together. Perhaps it would be called “Beauty and the Beast.” For once in my life I’d get to be the “beauty!”

I also planned to have so much traffic that I’d quit my day job and blog full time from my home office in my underwear. The live webcam would cost extra. My promise to you, my loyal reader, is that when that day comes I will triple my output! Alas, with only five views a day, the Universe says it’s not quite ready for that level of … entertainment.

Since we gotta do something in a post like this, why don’t I rehash some shit from the past? We can get all maudlin about it and have a good cry.

Let’s go!

Failure Is An Option

We all know about the undocumented WordPress bias against negativity by now, right? None of my posts have ever been featured on the Freshly Pressed page.

0 for 1,000. Something tells me that is quite the achievement. Do they have a cutesy little badge for that? Maybe a sad face on steroids? Or would that look too much like Lance Armstrong?

I wonder what is the world record for posts without being featured? I’ll double it. I will be tireless in this, my quest to be the most successful failure WordPress has ever seen!

Unseemly Memes

Every blog creates some “memes” (recurring themes) and this blog has been no exception:

  • Eat My Ass – This meme appeared in only my second post. It’s my classy way of expressing displeasure with companies and things that get my goat. So far the goat has never been returned.
  • Poop – What can I say? This meme makes me happier than a pig in … well, words fail me, but I’m sure you know what I mean. Believe it or not, but this meme was never intentional. Long before I ever blogged I bitched about something I called “Gold Nugget Economics.” This is my economic philosophy that states everything from “me” is a solid gold nugget (has value) while everything from “you” is a steaming pile of poop (absolutely worthless). I developed this theory while working for ecommerce asshole #1. Poop wasn’t mentioned until this post, which was the fourth ever on the blog. Soon, though, and not by design, the word had been used enough to become #1 in my tag cloud. It was then that I made it my mission in life to keep it there forever.
  • Boss/Job/Work/Sucks – These words are also very prominent in the tag cloud. Taken together, they even outrank “poop” and they represent the most pervasive thread that forms the humble tapestry I call this blog. I can’t help but bitch about the shitty jobs I’ve had in the last 10 years since moving to a small town. I can’t resist talking about stuff in the workplace that I find to be evil, ludicrous and/or completely without value. I am so proud to be the #1 result in Google for the phrase, “How to Destroy Your Employees.” This post also introduces my reader to a personal dream of mine that has become the arching quest of my life: Mama Compensation!
  • My Reader – Always used in the singular, this verbiage is used to describe anyone who has ever seen the blog.
  • Gerbil – This term is a creation of my own that I devised to describe riff raff humans who hang around my house, eat my food, steal my stuff, spend my money and lie to my face – and they get away with it just because they are my children! The Gerbil Research Institute of Parental Edification (G.R.I.P.E.) is a great place to start to learn more about this miracle of nature.
  • Employee Whiteboard – At ecommerce job #2 the employees were a miserable sort. (As this survey proves.) The whiteboard in the back office became a way for us to let off steam. Someone copied one of these to Reddit and it became the source of my biggest one day traffic ever. These posts were recurring for a while.

I Own The License (aka I Photoshopped This Shit Myself)

Begging other people to borrow their stuff just because they own the copyright can be annoying. So I decided to make my own. Here are a few creations that I birthed. As you’ll see, pretending to be an actual author was a particular penchant of mine:

The Gerbil Food Pyramid

Tiger Woods putting for a whore-in-one!

A book about leaving ecommerce job #2

Two open source photographs on the web and - viola! - this image of Michael Vick in jail was born

My attempt at a demotivational poster

Black taco

Black hole taco?

God as he appeared on Top Chef: Dieties

No Account Notables

One of my goals with the blog has always been to mix it up. To bring something different from time to time. Some call it “eclectic.” Some just say I should be locked up.

However you slice it, here are some other things I’ve created along the way:

Hyppo and Critter comic strip: Sometimes words fail me and I thought a comic strip would be a fun way to explore those themes. It didn’t really turn out that way. Hyppo and Critter are still around, but since I only have Photoshop on my old computer, they are currently on hiatus. Here they are as seen their first time on the blog:

Episode 1

The Guru Comic Strip: With Photoshop unavailable, I recently redirected my creativity into a new strip. Can you even begin to believe that I actually drew this myself? I know!

Episode 1

The Tom B. Taker Show – audio podcast: For some damn reason, I want to experiment. There’s almost nothing I won’t do. That’s why some folks call me The Amoeba. One thing I wanted to try was a “podcast.” I hope, someday, to turn this into a weekly 15-minute show. We’ll see. For one thing I’ll have to get paid a helluva lot more than I do right now. Listen here.

The A-Z Challenge: A whole month (we got Sundays off) of posts that had to be themed around the letters of the alphabet, in order. I tackled this with my typical style, enthusiasm and aplomb.

The BlogShorts Challenge: Someone tried to kill me! This challenge was 30 posts in 30 days consisting of short stories that were exactly 30 words in length. Truly deviant the ability to come up with a challenge like this, but I got ‘r done. Let’s be kind about my involvement. We’ll just say that I was “unique” and, as an added bonus, I qualified for a “participant” ribbon of my own!

The Future Looks Blight

Who’s the first name in sham? Tom? Noes!
And to that man I propose a toast!

Here’s to the next 1,000 posts. Or not should my gout spread and I throw in the towel tomorrow. I’d say it’s about 50-50. Maybe you’ll see me again. Maybe you won’t.

Then again, my application volunteering for the manned mission to Mars just might get accepted. If so, I promise to live microblog to all the citizens on the planet I will promptly rename, “Kiss My Ass.”

If I do continue, the next Big Thing that I really want to explore and/or invent is Tombstone Writing. I think the genre is really under-served right now and that means opportunity! I might just come a knockin’. I think my vast experience on Twitter has really prepped me to perform on granite media.

He lived a life on the verge of tears.

You’re standing on my head. I had myself buried backwards to fuck with you.

(tiny print)
Come closer. By the way, I died of highly toxic radiation poisoning.

Chef’s Pairings

Please enjoy the musical pairings selected by our chef for this post. Celebrate the journey!


14 responses

  1. Bloody hell! I guess congratulations are in order. Mrs. Abyss must be very proud. 🙂

    I love the Tombstone idea so much I’ll give you .99 for one of my very own. Let me put my request in now so it will be ready by the time I’ve finishing reading every post you referenced today. (See what I did there? You get money for nothing ’cause I’ll still be reading when you no longer have the strength to wield a chisel.)

    I look forward to the day when I, too, can boast about my verboseness. Only 848 posts to go!

    With much love,
    Your reader
    XO

    Like

    1. 848? That’s nothing. Piece of cake to natural talent like you.

      Mrs. Abyss? She thinks I’m committed. At least I think that’s what she said.

      Thanks for being the reader! That means a lot to me.

      Like

  2. I’m think the only things that can stop the demotivational juggernaut is carpal tunnel. 1000 posts is one thing. 1000 with something to say, as youve done, is quite another!

    Like

    1. I think I’m such a freak I skipped over carpal tunnel and went straight on to symbiotic relationship with my computer. Since I started young my wrists are the most developed muscles in my body and after decades of this, show no sign of carpal tunnel. It’s amazing, really. Same thing with my eyes, too. 6″ from computer screens for decades and not a problem at all.

      Even better, it never affected my mind, either.

      Like

      1. “…6″ from computer screens for decades…” Love it…made me snort coffee out my nose and you know how often that happens! 🙂

        Like

  3. Congratulations! What a huge accomplishment. I’ve got a ways to go to hit 1000. Will I make it? Only time will tell.

    Like

    1. Thanks! And if you set your mind to it, I’m sure you can do at least 999! I won’t lie to you. That last one is a bitch.

      Like

  4. Dram,

    Humanity faced a future that none suspected. Soon the time would come for an unknown nobody that no one had ever heard about to go from completely unheard of mediocrity and rise, by happenstance of circumstance, to become … the most important man alive.

    Only one man, born from birth to be one with the computer, would be able to merge with the technological overlords and fight them from within. Only he could withstand their keyboard maze, carpal tunnel attack and reflections from shiny monitors that led to eye strain. And, like you, he enjoyed coffee.

    It was time to be something more than just gum on the bottom of the Universe’s shoe…

    Like

    1. Yada, yada, yada…that’s nicely written and stuff but here’s the important question.

      What kind of gum? Are we talking quality like Wrigley’s (Yeager’s brand of choice) or pedestrian like Double Bubble (lots of flavour but chews out fast.)

      If I’m going to follow in your footsteps, I have to start off with the right stuff. 🙂

      Like

  5. Finally, all these years, and someone finally asks me the gum question! It took ya long enough.

    The answer is, of course, “pre-chewed.” It’s all I can afford.

    Like

  6. Geez, I’m looking to crack 200! (CC >wink<) Now what's this about a Participant Ribbon?

    Like

    1. 200? Yeah, keep at it! I think that means you’re 80% less crazy than me, so well done.

      You can have my “participant” ribbon from my track and field days. I’ll have to break the glass to get it out of the display case. The latch and hinge have corroded and it can no longer be opened.

      Like

  7. Congrats on 10^3!

    I have to say my Bleakness Quotient has increased since I came across The Abyss. Thanks for that. Looking forward to seeing you strive for 10^4

    Like

    1. Woot! That is high praise indeed! 10^4? Kill me now! 🙂

      Like

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