Coffee, Human Butts, and Greed Math

We went to the trendy new fancy grocery store that opened in our neighborhood this week. We had received a coupon in the mail.

Buy one 12-ounce bag of our “Fedora Blend” and get one free.

Oh, what the hell. We stopped by on opening night.

Recap: We all know what a 12-ounce bag means, right? Deception. Price games. Trying to fuck the consumer. Price concealment. Gee, how do I opt in? I’m a buyer and I don’t want to beware!

So how much was the 12-ounce bag of coffee normally priced? $14 a bag.

With the coupon that made each bag $7 each. I did the math. That’s $9.33 a pound with the coupon. So what’s the normal price? $18.67 a pound. Fuck you.

There’s a place up the street that sells coffee for $8 a pound. In a one-pound bag. That’s $8 a bag. No deception. No math. Just cheaper.

I love it when my first time is the last time. Your “special price” is higher than the standard price up the street? Bye bye Fedora grocery.

What makes one coffee so much more expensive than another? Besides Gold Nugget Economics (GNE), I mean? GNE theory states that whatever I produce is a solid gold nugget. Whatever you produce is poop.

And now we segue.

What else can put value into coffee? Running the beans through the digestive track of a life form, of course!

A civet is a small, lithe-bodied, mostly nocturnal mammal native to tropical Asia and Africa, especially the tropical forests. The term civet applies to over a dozen different mammal species. Most of the species diversity is found in southeast Asia. The best-known civet species is the African Civet, Civettictis civetta, which historically has been the main species from which was obtained a musky scent used in perfumery. The word civet may also refer to the distinctive musky scent produced by the animals.

Source: Wikipedia – Civet

At first it was the civet. I can only imagine the sense of desperation that was the mother of this invention. I’m thirsty! There are no coffee beans around except for those found in this civet poop, dammit. Well, I guess I’ll just extract them from the poop, dark roast and drink up. Delicious!

Of course, they don’t call it Civet Poop Coffee. That would be accurate and descriptive. We all know there is no truth in advertising. So they call it “Kopi Luwak.” That’s Latin for “let the buyer eat poop.”

Those in the know refer to to it by its street name:  cat-poo-ccino.

Run some coffee beans through a civet and what do you get? I just shopped online. The price is $79 for 1/4 pound small gift box or $119 for one-half pound of dark roast whole coffee beans.

Yeah, “dark roast” my ass!!!

One good poop deserves another, right? Why limit the range of fresh bold flavors to the civet? How about an elephant? (Probably selected for it’s ability to pump out “product” at a maximum rate.)

The possibilities are as endless as God’s imagination. Cat coffee. Dog coffee. Mouse. Gerbil. Rat. Sea turtle. Humpback whale. Sperm whale. Orca whale. I guess the only limitation is the life form has to be big enough to swallow a coffee bean. Of course the prices will vary based on the degree of difficulty in collecting the poop harvesting.

“Hey, honey. This is delicious coffee! Is this the Orca blend?”

“Nope! It’s Sperm!”

“Can I have a second cup?”

“That’s funny,” said awkwardly hanging-around third person. “He never asks for a second copy of my Sperm.”

Last, but not least, humans demand their day in the sun. This is where the ever-classy Craigslist enters the equation.

In case you haven’t guessed yet, let me make this clear. We’re talking about coffee beans digested and pooped out by a human. Homo sapiens. Drop the mic. Peace. Out.

It’s about time to meet Randy Goldman (not his real name). A proud sponsor of the capitalist American scream.

According to the ad he posted on Craigslist, he’s a “home roaster” and “clean.” His pitch? He’s a grower of “yellow bourbon arabica” and it’s finally starting to produce “quality cherry.” According to his posting on Craigslist circa December 2012, he could “harvest only a couple pounds” so he urged people to act before it was “too late.” His price: Only $30 a pound. That’s a bargain in cat-poo-ccino circles.

He knows how to write copy, too.

“Fecal specimens available for inspection upon request.”
–Randy Goldman (not his real name)

If that motherfucker isn’t working on Madison Avenue there is something seriously fucked with this world.

The best news? He lives in the Portland, Oregon, metro area. Did I move to the right city or what?

See also:
Huffington Post – Human Poop Coffee, ‘Kopi Luwak Style,’ For Sale On Craigslist
Sprudge.com – We Drank Human Poop Coffee