Hit That

I’m always up to my net high-jinx. Without further ado, I’m pleased to announce my latest project, the creation of a new television network. It’s called F.A.N. which stands for the Feckless Abyss Network. I even spared no expense and made the logo all by myself.

I like to hire cheap.

It’s my hope that FAN will become a household name. Our slogan is “FAN. You know what hits us.” And we hope you will, too. Regularly.

I’m still working out the kinks in the lineup but likely shows to be canceled during our first season may include:

• Weapons of News Destruction
• News With Spews
• Leave It, It’s Beaver
• Frenemies
• Know Your Enema
• P.S.I. – Pounds Per Square Inch
• Death Island
• Termination Tuesday – Sudden Death
• The Last Least Loser
• The Dr. Philly Show
• Celebrity Rebar

For sponsors we are actively seeking banks, credit cards, pharmaceutical companies and fast food. That is, everyone except you, Chick-Fil-A.

Of course, the sitcom will be a mainstay and we have many exciting ideas for fresh and exciting content. Read on.

The sitcom is perhaps mankind’s proudest achievement. Like everyone else, we plan to cash in that cow.

Here’s just a few of the wacky plot situations you’ll find that are guaranteed to keep you coming back for more:

• A character borrows a car without permission.
• A friend asks a platonic friend to carry his/her baby.
• A character hears part of a conversation and draws the wrong conclusions.
• A character feels unloved and decides to run away from home.
• A character tells a lie, gets caught, and learns an important lesson.
• A character proposes and everything goes wrong but it ends up being very romantic.
• A character drives a car through a store window.
• A character is bullied by finds a non-violent solution.
• Two adversarial characters are put in a tough spot, overcome the odds and cement a lasting friendship.
• A pregnant character has to be rushed to the hospital.
• A character becomes suspicious and jealous of a spouse’s friendship but it turns out they were just planning a surprise birthday party.
• A couple thinks back to the time they first met.
• One of the main characters has a previously unmentioned close family member come to visit. Mother, father, sister, brother, etc. This is repeated for every character and every possible combination until depleted.
• Two of the main characters make a mistake and sleep with each other.
• Two of the main characters date for a while. This is repeated until as many relationships as possible have been explored.
• A character is afraid of clowns.
• A character develops an exaggerated sense of self (usually due to some random occurrence) until his/her ego is popped.
• A character wins a large sum of money and loses it all.
• There is a bachelor/bachelorette party where nothing really happens.
• Wacky birthing episode with lots of pushing, hostility and a very touching scene with a baby.
• A character develops a symptom and believes he is dying.
• A character has a strange dream and feels odd about one of his mates for a short time.
• A character bumps into a previous lover.

At FAN we want you to think of these story lines (and more) as if you’re visiting old friends. We want to be as comfortable as an old pair of shoes. Preferably your favorite pair of shoes that was made by small children in horrific conditions by supervisors wielding whips and holding machine guns. Nothing but the best for your smelly wrinkly feet.

Can you think of any common sitcom situations we forgot? You can help expand our list by using the comment space below.