The Sex Abacus

Do not touch - might be sticky

Unless I miss my guess, today’s post is another milestone for the blog. This is the first time ever the word “sex” has appeared in subject line. How did I ever survive without it? Bring on the traffic!

The other night I took a buddy out for drinks. He needed someone to talk to about his marriage. When I offered, he asked, “Are you sure? I’m going to unload some pretty serious shit.” I assured him I was ready and up to the challenge, and I prepared myself for an evening of remaining in listening mode and not blathering on about myself, like how my life sucks and how I can’t seem to find a good job. In other words, I was going to try really hard to act like someone else.

Over a pitcher of beer and hot wings he related some issues in their marriage. There were several and they pertained to some of the usual suspects like sex, money and work.

Along the way he made a passing comment I found intriguing. He said, “And tonight I’m going to get me some [insert very specific sexual activity here] tonight. She owes me.

Eh, what???

Immediately I thought of an abacus. Or a ledger. Or some accounting system for the bedroom to keep track of who owes what. What an odd concept. Apparently my buddy is a sexual abacist.

“Remember the other day I let you eat a bacon double cheeseburger? Tonight I will enjoy some mandatory repayment in the form of a Kentucky Derby with a Twist.”

“I allowed you to buy that fancy dress in the store window. Next week I’m going to be expecting a little Aurora Borealis, if you know what I mean.”

Yeah, I’m trying to invent my own “clean” sexual terms here like the young kids do these days. I’m not very good at it.

So, anyway, it turns out his wife “owed” him because she lost some kind of bet and he was going to cash in that chip for a certain kind of sex. Apparently it’s a kind of sex that he likes, she doesn’t, and therefore he doesn’t get that often.

And it occurred to me, “I can’t imagine why they have problems in their relationship.” What a shocker, right?

I think love is important to a marriage, and should be about things like kindness, compassion, and affection. A balance sheet, especially in the bedroom, feels out of place.

I listened to my buddy as best I could, and sometimes I saw his points regarding the various issues  and sometimes I didn’t. But I couldn’t help but keep thinking about that abacus. I suspect it represents the true danger to their relationship.

16 responses

  1. He expects his wife to do something in bed that she doesn’t like just because she lost a bet? The fact that he can even enjoy a certain sex act when he knows that is wife doesn’t is very telling. I couldn’t enjoy myself if I knew my husband wasn’t getting anything out of it.
    Yikes. I feel this marriage is doomed.


    1. Yeah, sex based on “I’ll grudgingly let you do that” rather than “we both get off on it” doesn’t sound that fun at all.


  2. Very insightful post. It seems like this marriage is in trouble – the “accounting” thing goes both ways and it may come back to haunt him.


    1. Insightful? That must be some sort of mistake.

      I do worry about her flipping. I know she loves her husband but if he treats her like this she may lose those feelings and then really turn on him in a divorce scenario. I hope they can work it out.


  3. I think everybody falls into the “entitlement” trap now and then and it’s NEVER true, in any relationship.

    I was irritated at a coworker because she’s *supposed* to cover when I’m doing someone else’s job. She doesn’t do it (ever unless there’s someone standing there, demanding it).

    She says, “I was too busy” but I’ve watched her when it’s for someone else and she’s talking on FB.

    Friday, she came begging that I do a favor.

    She needed it THEN because it was already 1 day late. I’ll let you guess why. I thought about it for a second and what came to mind was:

    You didn’t cover for ME, yet now that you didn’t cover for someone else, hoping they’d come back and didn’t, you now need me to RUSH/ specially do something to cover your arse? You owe *me* not the other way!

    It’s about the Job, The Company. So, I did it. She’s not behaving other than what I can expect from her. Granted, we *work* together. I couldn’t stand my guy acting like that in a relationship. Shiftless people piss me off.


    1. I call that a no-win scenario, where the other person forces you into a situation where you simply have no choice. That sucks.


  4. The capitalisation of relationships feels dirtier than the dirtiest words I know. But I’m loving the image of the abacus, as though actually this is simply an age-old tradition, passed down since the Tang Dynasty in ancient China. Confucious he say, man who make up own terms for sexual behaviours doomed to be misunderstood without accompanying hand gestures.


  5. Good thing I’m now “gesture enabled content.” I even tweeted about it the other day!

    Twitter: “Gather round girls and check out the new firmware upgrade in my gesture enabled content. And I now support multitouch capabilities.”


  6. “Kentucky Derby with a Twist”… so someone’s going to get a pony ride… I have nothing more to say.


      1. Hahahaha! Funny Brooke!


  7. Yeah, i guess if they make it much longer there will have to be some sort of database constructed.

    I dated Aurora Borealis in college.


    1. I got sick and tired of her latitudes.

      /got nothing


  8. …wow, I’m a little late to the party…. but it looks like everything’s been said. However, I will say this: Your friend and his wife need to consider getting some help OR it’s pretty likely they’ll be getting divorced soon enough. I’d bet on it. So sad.



    1. Yeah. I can’t remember if I mentioned this yet and I’m too lazy to move my mouse and look up. He said that his wife already volunteered for him to move out “for a while.” That’s not a good sign.

      Of course I’m still hoping that they can work it out and be happy together. I’m not taking sides, either. If he’s not going to fulfill her then he’s gots to go.


      1. Oh, wow, that bites… but yeah, it’s hard to take sides — but I’m pulling for them too. Gotta believe in love…I just gotta!


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