Blog Post coming soon
At last, a new phone that does all the dumb ass shit that current phones can do. Only in a suckier way. What a twist!
Microsoft has inspired me. I am pleased to release the following bit of hype about big plans here on the blog. These are exciting heady times. Be sure to stay tuned!
This post is IN STOCK
Ha ha ha ha! You just fell for it. Sucker!
I’ve now worked for three different ecommerce companies in the last ten years. And I can tell you this: None of them gave even the remotest flying shit about accurate information on their web sites about products being “in stock” or not.
All three of them simply listed products as “in stock” — no matter what.
No actual effort was expended to make sure a product’s availability status was accurate. None.
In some cases, the words “in stock” were simply hard-coded right into the web page.
So how does the shopping “experience” work in cases like these?
- Shopper visits site.
- Shopper selects a product page to view.
- Shopper is told the product is “in stock.”
- Shopper gets excited about the product and thinks, “I want to consume this shiny thing.”
- Shopper adds item to the cart and completes their order.
- Shopper pays for the item.
- The company says, “Ha ha ha ha ha! Now we have your fucking money.”
- At some later time shopper is informed of the “unexpected delay” with their purchase.
That’s it. Now you know the secret “magic” that takes place behind the curtain. Fun, huh?
At all three companies I went to the owner of the company and expressed this overly-simplistic thought: “Shouldn’t we consider being honest with our customers?”
Wow. Talk about getting an earful in response!
All three of them expressed it the same way. “If we say a product is out of stock then people won’t give us their money!” (Try to imagine the magnitude of whining here. Plain text simply doesn’t do it justice.)
No shit, Sherlock.
In other words, the paradigm is this: Being honest about the availability of products will hurt sales.
Sales is a god. For some, despite overt protestations that they abide by different religious beliefs, it is the only god to which they will bow down in prayer.
The object of the game is simple. Separate the customer from his wallet in the shortest period of time and with the smallest possible amount of effort. Period. End of story. Game over. Any means, fair or otherwise, will be employed in pursuit of that objective.
Get the money. Then do whatever it takes to maintain the sale. Try to switch the customer to another product. Talk them into waiting. Whatever. But, no matter what, avoid them canceling their order. WE HAVE THEIR MONEY!
Now, be honest. If you knew this was the kind of person you would be dealing with, would you even place that order in the first place?
Lucky for you I’m here to help. I’m going to teach you how to identify these assholes so you won’t become their latest mind fuck. Pay attention now, because I’m only going to say this once.
Here is how you can identify this particular breed of asshole ecommerce retailer:
Their web site lists products as “in stock.”
See? It’s just that easy. Avoid these motherfuckers like the plague!
And now for the bad news about this post. (You expected this, right?)
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Sorry, you lose! Ha ha ha ha!
WTF360 (via Shouts from the Abyss)
Apparently “Project Natal” has a name now. Microsoft is calling it the Kinect.
For the scariest possible Halloween I plan to dress up as a “Kinect” this year. (I just peed myself.)
Here are my predictions: This is one of the dumbest devices ever conceived. Therefore, of course, the public will gobble it up like lambs led to the slaughter.
The last thing I want to do while video gaming is stand up, much less jerk around like a drunken fool. This is one bad, bad idea.
Microsoft has forgotten one of the most important core principles about video gaming: It’s about sitting on your lazy ass as much as humanly possible.
Fail, fail, fail, fail, fail, and FAIL!
I just can’t wait to do this shit in the fucking “cloud.”
A ghost of a chance
I think Pink Floyd said it best, although they vastly underestimated the scope of the problem:
“I got thirteen channels of shit on the T.V. to choose from.”
Lately something from the strange world of the paranormal has begun to pierce my consciousness. I’m talking about, of course, the Travel Channel’s steaming pile of dung known as “Ghost Adventures.”
This is how it works: Three actors hear about a “haunted” place and like a team of Ghostbusters rush to check it out. They talk to alleged eyewitnesses and even historians to learn about the location, then they wait until it’s dark, turn on their spooky greenish nightvision cameras, then say things like “this feels so creepy” as they loiter around in the dark.
Sometimes they get belligerent and rude towards the ghosts and say things like, “I double dog dare you to show yourself. I command you hither, and I’m gonna kick your ass.”
At the end of the show they regroup to study tapes of their “experiences” and come to some conclusions. “Sure, about 95 percent of those energy balls were probably dust and insects, which means about five percent remain unexplained.” Oooooh. It almost sounds like they know what they’re talking about.
In one snippet of the show I happened to see one of the guys was holding a device that looked like it came from the local Radio Shack. It had numbers in a display, like “22.2.” Whatever that means. (Allegedly “EMF” readings.) Suddenly something came close. The guys were doing some mighty fine acting but whatever it was apparently couldn’t be seen by cameras and people like us. Then the little electronic device was shown again, only this time, it was no longer functional! OMG! That proves the paranormal dude must have fried it. I believe in Ghostbuster parlance this is known as, “He slimed me.”
Curious, I went to the Travel Channel to learn about the qualifications of these actors.
Zak Bagans, the “action hero” and “lead investigator” graduated from film school in Michigan then moved to Las Vegas to pursue a career in documentary film making.
Nick Groff, listed as “investigator,” apparently has even less qualifications than Zak. His bio simply talks about things he likes to do.
Aaron Goodwin, the “Cameraman and Equipment Technician,” has the qualifications of “falling in love with film” and “teaching himself how to edit video and operate a camera.”
Noticing a trend yet? Yeah, these are actors and film makers. Apparently that’s as close as these guys get to qualifications.
So how do they do it? One thing they do is interpret noise. “What was that bump?” “Did you hear that?” On some indecipherable noises they put captions, as if to imply that some paranormal intelligence was actually communicating. “I want cake” they caption on the screen as you hear a totally indecipherable hiss. I mean, come on! There isn’t even a hint for us to even imagine of the things they claim to see and hear.
Another technique in their bag of tricks is to jerk the camera around and/or point it at the floor or ceiling to indicate when they have been startled or scared. This is usually accompanied by an off-camera sound and the actor saying something like, “I felt something approach and touch my hand and arm.” On the other hand, that sound could simply be the ATM cashing the latest checks from their advertisers.
I do kinda like these guys, though, so I want to do them a solid. I’ve come up with a new Pink Floydsian advertising campaign for them. It’s a TV sitting in a pile of poop. On the TV is running green night vision footage of these boys camping out in the haunted castle, probably eating Scooby Snacks. And the voice over goes, “You got 800 channels of shit to choose from. Once in a while why not make it this shit?”
The Game of Poop
Walk carefully and carry a big pointer.
Another one of my amazing talents is “board game designer.”
I’m an old school gamer which means I love dice and hexagons. And I usually don’t like electronic gadgets in board games. An electronic gadget in a board game is a lot like a sound bite in politics. It may be flashy but is usually doesn’t add much to the game.
I’d now like to introduce my latest board game concept. I’m calling it simply: The Game of Poop. (The name “Origin of the Feces” was tossed out of consideration because Type O Negative released an album with that same title.)
The objective of my game is to fling poo at your opponents. Sounds fun already, eh?
Initially all players start on a clean board. Uh oh, I bet I know where this is going.
An early objective will be to gather and consume as much food as you can. After all, you can’t take out your opponents without ammunition.
Once you’ve made your first poo it’s time to go hunting for your enemies. Get as close as you can and fling that poo! Better hurry. Hold on to that poop too long and it might turn on you. Yes, there can be friendly fire in this game.
A player hit with three poops it sent to the Decon Chamber and is out of the game.
However, hit or miss, a square where poop lands will be turned brown. As the game progresses the danger level will increase. (This is where the electronic game board kicks in. The game board itself will keep track of the brown squares.) In this game time is of the essence!
Just like Monopoly, cards will be used to introduce random events into the game. The most coveted card will most likely be “Mexican Restaurant.” The most dreaded? “Know Your Enema.” A player receiving this card will be sent to the nearest medical facility and will lose valuable time as they attempt to roll doubles in order to be treated with a colonic.
The winning player, if lucky enough, will successfully take out all of the other players. However… if the game goes on too long brown squares could lead to contamination of food sources on the board. Or, landing in a concentration of brown spaces could result in an outbreak of deadly diseases, like cholera. If that happens, the game isn’t over, but the object for victory changes. The winner becomes the one who can stay alive the longest.
OK, be honest. I can take it. Would you buy this game and who wants to attend game night at my house???
Happy employees have dead spouses
Employers know that happy employees are more productive. They know that employees dealing with too many outside stressors or issues may experience a drop in productivity.
I can only assume that’s why my wife’s company (a health insurer) only covers employees – not their spouses.
If something deadly should come along and take out the spouse the employees get five days to grieve, after which they are expected to get that nose right back on that grindstone.
Mush, mush!
Even more rewarding is the benefits themselves. Of course I don’t know this information firsthand. It was related to me by my wife, who I shall refer henceforth as The Covered. She’s been experiencing intense pain in her shoulder for a long time. Her physician sent her to an orthopedist who in turn prescribed, among other things, weekly massage therapy.
The Covered went to her first visit with the message therapist where the primary event turned out to be The Covered bursting into tears and bawling like a baby in front of the doctor, patients and staff. It turned out that due to the nature of her insurance it was going to cost $150 a visit and we simply can’t afford $600 a month or more in our budget. The staff was very kind and did some extra things for her know that it was The Covered’s first and final visit.
Without those bothersome therapy sessions getting in the way I guess that frees up The Covered to focus all of her time and energy on being the best employee she can be! How will it all turn out? I don’t know. I’ll be dead by then.
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