Tom the Half-a-Life
Half a beer, philosophically, must ipso facto half not be. But half the beer has got to be, vis-à-vis its liquidity – d’you see? But can o’ beer be said to be or not to be an entire beer when half the beer is not a beer, due to some recent imbibery?
Positive? Negative? Is the beer mug half full or half empty? Beer isn’t just something that you drink. It’s something that you do.
I thought I knew beer. It was something I drank once in a while. Nothing special, nothing to write home about. But then I moved to Portland, Oregon, the microbrew capital of the world.
In July 2011, representatives from the Oregon Brewers Festival declared Portland had 40 microbreweries located within the city limits, more than any city in the world and greater than one-third of the state total.
Suddenly I was awash in the stuff. I was drinking a “pint” almost every day of my life. Sometimes more.
Sure, it was nice. The formula is simple:
More Beer = The Good
There was, however, a problem. A big problem. (Surprised?) I don’t like generating cans and bottles. For one thing, in Oregon, you pay a five cent tithe per container. For another, you gots to lug ’em around and shit. And I despise going back to the euphemistically-named “redemption centers” to get those nickels back. Unless you love hacking and slashing your way through a literal jungle of flies with your handy machete. So we’d end up just tossing the empties in the recycling bin, essentially a cash donation to The State. For some reason that gnawed at the very fiber of my existence.
Then, by chance, it happened. I learned of something called The Growler.
It was at that moment I learned that I had been living only half a life. (Prior to that I was merely radioactive.) As is often my wont, I celebrated by bursting into song…
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Relationship advice you want, hmm?
Is there anything Star Wars can’t do? Not I think because I believe in the Force, and an ally powerful it is, yes? Hmmmmm.
Also, relationships are hard.
Suddenly it occurred to me. Star Wars can help. In fact, it’s easy. All you have to do is speak nothing but Star Wars quotes incessantly. Viola! Relationship all better.
Yes, it’s just that simple.
Let’s see some examples of this powerful technique in action.
Partner: Do I look fat in this? I’m thinking about going on a diet.
Jedi Knight (You): One thing’s for sure. We’re all gonna be a lot thinner!
If that doesn’t put a fun spin on serious issues, nothing will.
Help yourself to these freebie tips. Use them as appropriate when your relationship needs saving.
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The 7 Loathe Languages for Lost Lovers
With more than 30 years of comprehensive negativity experience, self-anointed Guru of Negativity Dr. Tom B. Taker* has seen it all. Now you too can directly benefit from his lifetime of accumulated hard won knowledge.
From the author that brought you the bestseller Society of Assholes comes an exciting book with a focus on interpersonal relationships.
If you think your relationship is a happy one and has a chance at success, then The 7 Loathe Languages – Secrets for Lost Lovers is a must read.
“It’s a pith of freth aire,” says one.
“Absolutely the finest drivel I’ve ever been paid to read,” breathlessly writes another.
The 7 Loathe Languages® is a crucial road map to destruction for happy couples seeking to ruin their relationships and energetically add excitement by making their lives worse.
Most people respond primarily to one loathe language. Some can be “bilingual” or respond to dialects within their primary language. This book will help you learn to identify the languages that are best for your situation.
Cautionary note: Actual “emotional abuse” is generally frowned upon and is decidedly not the goal of this book. The techniques provided, if properly applied, are subtle and, more importantly, stay within the bounds of legality. (In no event will the author assume any liability. Contents of the book are void where prohibited by law.) Any oaf with a sledgehammer can make a hole in a wall. But creating undetectable fissures and driving invisible wedges – that is an art that requires patience and skill. This book will show you how.
The 7 Loathe Languages®
Words of Inflammation
Vocabulary can be a powerful weapon and a wonderful method for controlling weak minds. You’ll learn how to identify key loathsome words that will help acheive your relationship goals.
Gifts of Aggravation
Who doesn’t enjoy a surprise gift every now and again? But what if the gift itself was a way to push buttons? The book will demonstrate several popular methods.
Torments of Time
Properly wielded, even time itself can produce remarkable results. If you or your lover speak this language, plenty of surprising examples will be provided, including our patented Abundantly Avoidant™ technique.
Cheating at Chores
A surprising number of relationships contain exactly one person who speaks this language. If you are in that situation, this language can help. Learn how to look busy when you are not, avoid the chores that your mate enjoys you doing the most, and identify the quick and easy chores that push the most buttons. You can soar quickly and easily with our emphasis on the low-hanging fruit. Prioritization is key.
A lack of personal space in relationships can lead to undesired outcomes like an increase of intimacy. This language works to deprive your partner of physical contact. Over time, if properly cultivated, your so-called “personal space” can be as large as a three-car garage and become an effective barrier to all sorts of relationship activities.
A Sense of Mystery
Too much communication can lead to trust and intimacy. Learn to cover your tracks and hide things. This creates the wonder and sense of mystery that will plant the seeds that will gnaw until they become mighty oaks of distrust and doubt. Techniques covered include passwords, leaving clues, doubling back on your trail, secret hideouts, alibis and more.
Activating the Senses
Perhaps most effective of all, letting yourself go cannot be underestimated. Again, subtlety and patience are key as you gradually and incrementally grow things like your body odor. Don’t miss an opportunity to score big on any and all of the senses. The chapter entitled “Untapped Resources” includes a section on how to enlist your household feline friends to add the smell of urine to your wardrobe. (If you don’t have cats, get them.) Even where all other Loathe Languages fail, this one tactic alone can pay surprising dividends.
Pick up a copy today and learn how to identify your Loathe Language and that of your partner. You can’t afford to wait.
* Ph.D. in Philosophy purchased from a prestigious online diploma mill which shall remain nameless without a court order.
This is my “L” post for the April 2011 “A to Z Blogging Challenge.”
The Sex Abacus
Unless I miss my guess, today’s post is another milestone for the blog. This is the first time ever the word “sex” has appeared in subject line. How did I ever survive without it? Bring on the traffic!
The other night I took a buddy out for drinks. He needed someone to talk to about his marriage. When I offered, he asked, “Are you sure? I’m going to unload some pretty serious shit.” I assured him I was ready and up to the challenge, and I prepared myself for an evening of remaining in listening mode and not blathering on about myself, like how my life sucks and how I can’t seem to find a good job. In other words, I was going to try really hard to act like someone else.
Over a pitcher of beer and hot wings he related some issues in their marriage. There were several and they pertained to some of the usual suspects like sex, money and work.
Along the way he made a passing comment I found intriguing. He said, “And tonight I’m going to get me some [insert very specific sexual activity here] tonight. She owes me.”
Immediately I thought of an abacus. Or a ledger. Or some accounting system for the bedroom to keep track of who owes what. What an odd concept. Apparently my buddy is a sexual abacist.
“Remember the other day I let you eat a bacon double cheeseburger? Tonight I will enjoy some mandatory repayment in the form of a Kentucky Derby with a Twist.”
“I allowed you to buy that fancy dress in the store window. Next week I’m going to be expecting a little Aurora Borealis, if you know what I mean.”
Yeah, I’m trying to invent my own “clean” sexual terms here like the young kids do these days. I’m not very good at it.
So, anyway, it turns out his wife “owed” him because she lost some kind of bet and he was going to cash in that chip for a certain kind of sex. Apparently it’s a kind of sex that he likes, she doesn’t, and therefore he doesn’t get that often.
And it occurred to me, “I can’t imagine why they have problems in their relationship.” What a shocker, right?
I think love is important to a marriage, and should be about things like kindness, compassion, and affection. A balance sheet, especially in the bedroom, feels out of place.
I listened to my buddy as best I could, and sometimes I saw his points regarding the various issues and sometimes I didn’t. But I couldn’t help but keep thinking about that abacus. I suspect it represents the true danger to their relationship.