Daily Archives: November 14th, 2010

The Sex Abacus

Do not touch - might be sticky

Unless I miss my guess, today’s post is another milestone for the blog. This is the first time ever the word “sex” has appeared in subject line. How did I ever survive without it? Bring on the traffic!

The other night I took a buddy out for drinks. He needed someone to talk to about his marriage. When I offered, he asked, “Are you sure? I’m going to unload some pretty serious shit.” I assured him I was ready and up to the challenge, and I prepared myself for an evening of remaining in listening mode and not blathering on about myself, like how my life sucks and how I can’t seem to find a good job. In other words, I was going to try really hard to act like someone else.

Over a pitcher of beer and hot wings he related some issues in their marriage. There were several and they pertained to some of the usual suspects like sex, money and work.

Along the way he made a passing comment I found intriguing. He said, “And tonight I’m going to get me some [insert very specific sexual activity here] tonight. She owes me.

Eh, what???

Immediately I thought of an abacus. Or a ledger. Or some accounting system for the bedroom to keep track of who owes what. What an odd concept. Apparently my buddy is a sexual abacist.

“Remember the other day I let you eat a bacon double cheeseburger? Tonight I will enjoy some mandatory repayment in the form of a Kentucky Derby with a Twist.”

“I allowed you to buy that fancy dress in the store window. Next week I’m going to be expecting a little Aurora Borealis, if you know what I mean.”

Yeah, I’m trying to invent my own “clean” sexual terms here like the young kids do these days. I’m not very good at it.

So, anyway, it turns out his wife “owed” him because she lost some kind of bet and he was going to cash in that chip for a certain kind of sex. Apparently it’s a kind of sex that he likes, she doesn’t, and therefore he doesn’t get that often.

And it occurred to me, “I can’t imagine why they have problems in their relationship.” What a shocker, right?

I think love is important to a marriage, and should be about things like kindness, compassion, and affection. A balance sheet, especially in the bedroom, feels out of place.

I listened to my buddy as best I could, and sometimes I saw his points regarding the various issues  and sometimes I didn’t. But I couldn’t help but keep thinking about that abacus. I suspect it represents the true danger to their relationship.