iLife’s an iBeach

Not too long ago I took a wee trip to an old-growth forest where I frolicked in a shady glen with frisky elves. (See: Forest Grump.)

But that’s not the only place I went. Driven as a lemming I set off on a quest to find where America ended. (And I got the answer I was seeking in more ways than one.) But, alas, there weren’t any cliffs from which to jump onto craggy rocks. Only a beach. A remarkably flat and wet piece of transitionary property where if one tried to throw himself down people would only laugh and children would point and ask, “Mommy? I thought whales swam in the water?”

As always I had to settle. Dammit. I can’t blame the children, though. It’s not their fault I was born with a blowhole.

And yet it turns out that I given the gift of photogenic scenery for a travelogue pictorial post. And this is that very post. If the subject line didn’t provide enough iClues see the inset image for a preview of the journey that awaits.

When he arrived in the New World, Cortez burned his ships. As a result, his men were “motivated.” If you click the link to make the jump you’ll be doing exactly the same damn thing. Beyond here there be iDragons.

Still here? Interesting. And disappointing, at least for you. My intro probably oversold this slideshow. This portends well.

It was a little cloudy that day. And chilly. But I still managed to get a sunburn all over my face. I needed to look the part.

Ah. Cute. A young family at the beach. The traditional family unit. A mother. A father. Two electronic devices that commanded their exclusive attention. They also brought a couple of youngling humans as pets but these were of little interest to them. Here we see the mother interacting with her child.

And now the father.

What’s that in his hand? Oh, yeah. It’s Shithead Jr., III.

These two were mesmerized and captivated by their electronic lovers. They never stopped looking at these things and I never saw them look around. They must get good bars at the beach. What’s the annoying noise, though? Oh yeah! It’s that ocean thing. Meanwhile a youngling of perhaps four-years old played alone in the surf. Honey, have you seen the pet in a while?

Oh, there he is. Whew. Good thing he didn’t drown. There might have been annoying paperwork. Enough of that shit. Did you get my Farmville request?

About 40 feet away from the happy campers we found this mysterious obelisk. Perhaps erected by an ancient civilization.

Nope. They were sitting by a roaring fire and obviously decided they didn’t like the rules. Scratch one sign. Quest for fire successful. We found this compelling evidence at the foot of the obelisk. Mystery solved. Beach archeology is fun! Notice the matching rippage that fits together like neat little puzzle pieces.

“Hey, honey. How did you like the beach?”

“It was fun! I leveled up twice. My ass is a little sore, though. Hey, have you seen the kids in a while?”

And that’s how I do the beach. I always look for the best in people. I guess it’s true. You really do find what you are wanting to see. Peace. Out.

14 responses

  1. Another fine travel story! Isn’t amazing that people can be “connected” to the internet cosmos on the beach, yet totally unconnected to the real human cosmos, and I don’t mean that martini popularized on “Sex and the City.”

    I always seem to end up at the beach, too, remarkable since I live 2,000 miles away.


    1. Maybe to them the beach is so normal and routine that it holds little interest. I like to check email and blog comments as much as the next guy, but I’m more than willing to forgo that while I’m on the beach. Of course I’d also be afraid of getting sand in my precious device. 🙂

      I thought their fixation on their devices and not their family and/or the spectacle of nature around them was a little sad.


    2. I still remember the first post of yours I ever saw. You had traveled to the west coast and, among other things, had taken pictures of some surfers. I’ve been your loyal fan ever since. 🙂


  2. It’s always good to stop and smell the roses once in awhile! p.s. Hi Tom B. Taker!


    1. Strangely enough, I do try to smell the roses. Don’t tell anyone. And hi to you, too, you former pessimist! See? The Abyss welcomes all kinds. 🙂


  3. Something tells me you iPadded this post just a tad. But then maybe it was just iADD what with being separated from your iPod of whales. *snort*


    1. iPod of whales. That is a thing of beauty. You win something. How about I finally send you the Dr. Hibbert you are rightfully entitled to? 🙂

      That’s the sad thing about this planet, though. I didn’t have to iPad anything. No exaggeration or hyperbole was needed. Besides, I seldom rely on such slight of hand to make my points.


  4. We went out to eat the other night and looked around and realized EVERYONE was on their phones! My husband and I laughed and debated whether we should text each other across the table. Ultimately, we decided that was overkill and texted others instead.


    1. What? You shrugged and ultimately decided, “If you can’t beat ’em, join ’em?” Shame, shame, shame.

      I find it immensely sad to see a family out to dinner and none of them interacting with each other. It’s staggering, actually, especially when we think about the monumental impact of the traditional “family unit” at the heart of many issues in American political debate. All that fuss over something we don’t even give a shit about ourselves?

      My boss, for example, goes to amazing lengths to avoid interacting with his family. Amazing lengths. I often wonder, why did you want it in the first place, then? Shouldn’t you be single? Wouldn’t that be more fair to everyone involved? That way you wouldn’t have to live a double life and expend so much time and effort of feigning interest.

      Something is seriously out of whack.


  5. The only time I whip out my phone at the beach is to take pictures. I mean, if you don’t record the event, were you ever really there? My daughter brought an actual camera. A CAMERA! And took some really good shots. Of course, you’ve seen one seagull, you’ve seen the mall.


    1. Sometimes I venture forth from the house with no device of any kind. Invariably I’ll encounter something I’d very much like to photograph. That’s how the get you!

      My favorite is carrying the camera, iPod and iPad – all at the same time! Soon I hope to use the iPod to take a picture of my iPad taking a picture of me taking a picture with a camera. That will set off a cascade effect which will destroy the universe.


  6. The last time I was in Las Vegas, we were having a good dinner and a table of 8 or 9 young women came in — clearly celebrating some bachelorette thing. They were dressed to the nines and no sooner did they sit down then they all pulled out there phones. No one talked to anyone except to show them something on their phone. It was bizarre and creepy and sad.

    Except for the short skirts.


    1. Nice story. I’m glad the post is prompting remembrances like these. Something has been lost, that’s for sure. Soon there will be none of us left who remember the era where phones were something connected by cords to walls.


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