My Olympic Movement
Image Source: Poop The World Blog
Always eager in my quest to be a furry little lemming, I’ve decided to microblog the Olympics. I have my microbeer in hand. I am microready! (That sounds suspiciously like popcorn. Oh well, such is my fate.) Grab your butter flavoring. It’s go time.
This is my Olympic movement. Or, as I sometimes like to call it, a Movement for the Common Man.
I’m sure most of my reader have evacuated by now. Looks like it’s just gonna be you and me.
So, what is/are the Olympics? Perhaps the simplest definition (and the one found in the Demotivational Dictionary) is: an average throng observing and celebrating the spectacle of their own outliers.
Wikipedia says, “In statistics, an outlier is an observation that is numerically distant from the rest of the data. Grubbs defined an outlier as: An outlying observation, or outlier, is one that appears to deviate markedly from other members of the sample in which it occurs.”
In other words, the Olympics are the sporting version of the universe telling you, “On the bell curve you’re the dingle dangle that hangs down on the bottom. The cling clang thingie that gives the bell it’s special sound.”
Yes, without the average, the outliers would have nothing to outlie from to set themselves apart. Think about it. That’s perhaps the deepest thing I’ve ever said. It’s an outlier of thought.
In other other words, the Olympics are all about watching the select few who have won something known as the DNA Lotto.
Continue reading →
A note from the Chore Whore
We could live on an 8′ by 8′ piece of dirt and I’d still be in the doghouse for not sweeping and dusting enough.
The Universe, however, likes to toss me a bone every once and again. When it comes to chores, the Universe likes to say, “Hey, little buddy. How about you and me get together and make this fun?”
Apparently we don’t have enough in common to form a language translation matrix. The linguistic database chokes on this mysterious word “fun.” I guess that’ll have to remain one of the great mysteries of life.
Continue reading →
Photography Nirvana: Finding Elvis
Have you ever found surprises while looking through your pictures? Maybe there was something in the background you didn’t notice while taking the shot. Then, when reviewing and processing the image, you’ll notice something for the first time ever. “What the heck is that?”
Of course, unlike me, you may possess actual “awareness” and it’s like I’m talking alien right now.
Sometimes I’ll be cropping and trying to invent something known as “composition.” The little blinking square of dashed lines (aka marching ants) that I’ve used to highlight some part of my image may be just about right except for that “thing” that’s included. What is that thing, anyway? Don’t ask me. I’m just the photographer. How the heck would I know?
Continue reading →
Lane Brain
I’ve never been into fast cars. As far as I’m concerned, the male analogy stops right there. While the other guys were talking about engine blocks and rattling off weird nonsensical numbers and making lamps out of blocks of wood in shop class, I was taking “home economics” with 29 girls and learning how to sew my own apron and make chocolate chip cookies.
Fools.
Yet, when it came to driving itself, suddenly I was interested. I just didn’t care what went on inside that thing. On my birthday and the day it became legal I obtained my learner’s permit. Exactly one year later I aced my driving test.
My dad taught me to drive. We practiced together in his car (an automatic) and my car (stick shift) which I had already bought with my own money. The car cost me $300, money which I had earned working part-time at a variety of local fast food establishments. It was a 1969 Pontiac LeMans hardtop. The driver’s door never opened, you had to slide across the one-piece seat from the passenger side, and the manual transmission was so wonky and loose that I eventually became the only human who could drive that baby. You had to perform little maneuvers while shifting, like lifting, twisting and pushing down to get it to go into gear. But that baby was mine.
I moved to the big city to live with my dad but I wanted to finish my senior year of high school in my little home town. So I became a commuter at the age of 18. My daily commute was a 30-mile drive (one-way) to school.
I enjoy driving. I’ve done a lot of it. It’s the one area of my life where I am the one percent unlike the 99% of other idiots on the road. My instincts and cat-like reflexes have kept me alive when most other idiots would have perished in a fantastic ball of fire.
And I’ve never forgotten one of the most basic principles my dad taught me about being a good driver on day one with my learner’s permit in hand: Drive so that you don’t impact other drivers on the road.
This is a story about a typical idiot who never received and/or heeded such critical training.
Continue reading →
Guru Comic: The Meaning of Life
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “What is the meaning of life?” you don’t want to miss this special episode of Guru Comic. Come on in and allow the Guru to enlighten your load as he finally reveals The All.
Continue reading →
Twitter down low
“Twitter is currently down for <%= reason %>.”
And I was going to say something pithy, too. Oh well. You all have to suffer deprivation. Don’t thank me. Thank Twitter.
To add insult to injury I was told that my tweets were “forbidden” when trying to send them from my iPod. I had to turn to Google to learn that it was actually the whole world that was affected. Thanks for making me feel bad, Twitter. You might want to look into an error response that doesn’t blame the user when it’s actually your fault.
#twitter #fail
Logic Shot Through The Heart
The NRA is the winner of this year’s SFTA Batshit Crazy Award. Congratulations! You earned it.
The existence of the National Rifle Association begs the question, “Can you win an argument with a crazy person?”
The answer, of course, is, “Hell no. BANG. BANG. You’re dead. Now don’t say shit like that ever again.”
Well shut my mouth.
I’ve been trying to think of an analogy to start this post. I utterly failed so we’ll go with the ever popular cookie.
“If you eat that cookie you will die.”
“You know what? I’m willing to risk it. NOM NOM NOM!!!”
Four years later…
“If you eat another cookie you will die.”
“Are you fucking serious? You were totally wrong about that four years ago. Totally. It is scientifically impossible to be any more wrong than you were. I’m still here. I ate the cookie and I didn’t die. You were the worst wrong of all time. You hold the world record for wrongness about that cookie. How do you live with the fact that you were absolutely wrong in every possible way?”
“Easy. I figured out that the cookie had an evil plan. It decided to kill you later. It didn’t kill you the first time because it wanted to lull you into a false sense of security. The next time you eat the cookie you will die. You’ll see. That’s why I was wrong. I failed to truly understand the evil and deviousness of that cookie.”
Fool me once. Shame on you. Fool me twice? You must be the NRA.
Continue reading →
Shouts from the Abyss 
Recent Comments