From the Abyss Dev Team: The Pre-Gen Taser
How many times has this happened to you?
– You’re at the grocery store checking our with your groceries when an elderly person starts a conversation with your checker and suddenly you’re standing there bored and ignored
– An elderly person rams your car when parking and when confronted merely shrugs, never apologizes and walks away
– After waiting patiently in line at the restaurant to pay the check an elderly man walks up and sticks his ticket in the face of an employee who takes care of him first
Frustrating? Hells yes. Like a helpless idiot you take it each and every time. And there’s nothing you can do about it, right?
Well now you can!
Introducing the new AbyssCo Pre-Gen Taser – specially calibrated and balanced to meet the unique needs of the geriatric set. This little device works just like its big brother, but is perfectly suited for use on the generation that came before you.
The Pre-Gen Taser is not available in stores and comes with our lifetime guarantee that it won’t interfere with pacemakers, won’t fry hearing aids and prevents the embarrassment of dentures being ejected. All this with the peace of mind that you’ll be long gone by the time your target regains his wits.
How It Works
Our patented Pre-Gen Probes are softer and have been specially designed to protect elderly targets and deliver a debilitating shock that is perfectly age-adjusted for needs of elderly miscreants. And an oscillating energy pulse is used to bring your target down slowly which helps prevent unsightly hip injuries.
With the optional Medi-Alert addon pak (sold separately) the Pre-Gen Taser will provide the added service of checking your target’s pulse, blood pressure, and medications – and automatically alert the nearest hospital if your target has any conditions that existed prior to the tasing. You’ll be solving an annoying problem and help save lives – all at the same time. Here at AbyssCo we call that a win-win!
Next time it happens, and it will, you’ll be ready. Pull out your Pre-Gen Taser, back away from your target a few paces (to protect yourself from released fluids), point and shoot! It’s just that easy!
Pre-order yours today and take charge* of your personal power* in the future!
* Pun intended.
Recalled ponies
Holy shit - we backed the wrong horse
“Work Sucks.” That is the gospel according to the movie “Office Space.”
For me in my job situation, I could not agree more.
Often on this blog I have extolled the virtues of the place where I go everyday to load my sixteen tons for the cause. I call that place “The Shithole.” My job title? “Whore.”
My boss is a greedy and immoral fuck who calls himself a “Christian.” If he’s leading by example then I guess that makes Charles Manson my hero.
So what’s new in the land of questionable business ethics?
For years we’ve been selling the Acme “Whack-A-Mole” which we proudly and blatantly lie about by calling it the “world’s greatest” and such. Customers often ask us about the Dynamo “Mole Smasher 3000” which we don’t sell. We always say it is a steaming pile of shit.
Lo and behold, guess what happens? The Acme Whack-A-Mole gets recalled for failing to meet a government regulation. Suddenly a substantial segment of our business plan is fucked.
This is the perfect time for management to earn their pay, make the big decisions that only they can make, and lead us to the promised land of continued economic viability.
Yeah for management! Hip hip, hooray!
They have developed something I call “The Plan.” It works a little something like this:
- Keep it quiet. The last thing we want is our existing customers finding out about the recall and demanding refunds and such. That might cost us money.
- Spend all of our time and energies dorking around with Acme as much as possible to extract whatever money we can before they go bankrupt.
- Immediately pursue a relationship with Dynamo, who is suddenly our bestest friend in the whole wide world. We heart Dynamo.
Talk about maintaining credibility with your customers. For years we’ve been telling them the Dynamo Smasher 3000 is shit. Within a week or two we’ll begin promoting it as the “world’s finest.” I’m sure none of our customers will notice that subtle switcheroo, right?
Geez, who wouldn’t feel positively energized, empowered and uplifted to be working in an outfit like this?
Shouts from the Abyss 
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