I live in Portland, Oregon, which mostly receives electrical power from Portland General Electric. Founded in 1888 the company was eventually owned by Enron Corporation from 1997 until 2006 until Enron went bankrupt.
See? I just used a writing technique known as foreshadowing.
Foreshadowing is a literary device by which an author hints what is to come.
By dropping the name Enron, you are now on notice that this story does not bode well. The portends are decidedly not in our favor. It’s time to omen up.
Yes, I’m being mysterious. I’m trying to leave you in the dark. Just like Portland General. Bazinga!
Being a major metropolitan area, the City of Portland is designed with security and reliability in mind. Power outages simply do not happen unless:
- The wind blows up to one (1) mph
- A squirrel gets hungry
- Water magically falls from the sky
- A drunk person, in a trillion-to-one event, rams their car into a pole
Such simple criteria means the city loses power about every 42 minutes. Who knew that cramming 625,000 people in the same area would make stuff happen? Yes, I live in a city where squirrels are frequently blamed for power outages.
At least Portland is safe. No one, not even a terrorist, could ever fuck with this city unless:
- A tweaked out kid needs to take a whiz in a city resevoir
- The wind blows and a branch falls and an entire power grid goes haywire
- Water magically falls from the sky
Portland has many names. The City of Roses. Bridgetown. Stumpdown. Rip City. Little Beirut. PDX. Cloud City. But, during autumn at least, it could also be known as The City of Leaves. (Leaves are the unpredictable byproduct of shitloads of trees.) And the city has a great strategy for dealing with them. “Clean ’em up your own damn self. You want your storm drains to work? Better get on it. By the way, we’re adding a street fee. You need to pay more taxes for this.”
So it rained on Sunday. We were out running errands. We had to retrace our steps. We drove through St. Johns. Then it started to rain. An hour later we went through the same area. It had already flooded the size of Lake Erie. It wasn’t even a heavy rain.
There had been a few brief gusts of wind. So, yeah, the power was already out. We pulled into a bar just as thunderous lightning spooked everyone in the place. They were amazed. Lightning? Wowwee. Perhaps Portland has exactly the power company it deserves?
We continued on our way and that’s when I noticed it. The traffic signals were are dark. None of them were red. None were yellow. None were green.
You know what that means, right? The entire city went Starman on steroids. Perhaps we can add “Starport City USA” to our lengthy list of nicknames?
[Starman is driving the car, and speeds across a recently turned red light, causing crashes for the other motorists]
Jenny Hayden: Okay? Are you crazy? You almost got us killed! You said you watched me, you said you knew the rules!
Starman: I do know the rules.
Jenny Hayden: Oh, for your information pal, that was a *yellow* light back there!
Starman: I watched you very carefully. Red light stop, green light go, yellow light go very fast.
Apparently the collective wisdom of the hipster lumbersexuals in PDX is this: No street light, go very fast.
That’s weird because the law says an unpowered traffic signal is to be treated as a four-way stop. It’s so weird that no one in Portland knew that. Keep Portland weird.
So we sat at an intersection watching an endless stream of cars whiz by at top speed and we never got a turn. To pass the time we celebrated several birthdays. And I plotted revenge. Now I understand where Joker, Riddler and Penguin are coming from.
This may be my last blog post for a while. I’ve decided to keep my computer turned off when I think Portland General will be unable to keep the grid powered. By my calculations that means I’ll have a 42-minute window of electricity per day.
Our friend had driven in to the big city from our former hometown for a quick visit. It turned out to be the rainiest weekend since we moved to Portland, Oregon.
That word is Norwegian, I think, for “mythical beast with huge nords that consumes souls.”
And they wanted to shop at the one that lives in the heart of downtown, by Pioneer Square, where everything happens.
It was a rainy day. I figured at least there was at least a chance the city wouldn’t be nuts.
I was wrong.
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Just a little photo I snapped earlier today. My wife suggested a title. I came up with the other one. Who should win? You get to decide. Vote early and often.
Make the jump for more photographs from today.
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Frank Pucket was a man with a problem. After leaving for work he’d doubled back home because he’d forgotten his chestnuts. But turning onto his street he saw a van emblazoned “Dunder Electrical” already parked in the drive.
Frank pulled over in time to see Dunder himself, antlers and all, chilling on the porch chatting with his wife, Helena. That bastard reindeer had been hovering around his wife as long as he could remember. Frank couldn’t hear what they were saying but could tell that Helena’s eyes were all aglow.
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Earlier today I began to get a feeling of worry regarding my kitty cats. (Don’t worry. This ends up well.) Specifically, I was wondering if I had unplugged the coffee pot. I had no memory of doing it.
I asked my wife if she could swing by and check on the kitties. In my mind I was imagining a big ball of fire and little kitty ghosts that hated my guts. Something like, “Damn you for trapping us in this fire hazard!”
The wife works closer to home, gets an hour lunch, and was going to be driving anyway, so she did me a solid and checked it out.
Yes, the coffee pot was still on. Curse this organic-based vehicle I’m forced to occupy!
This would have made an awesome tweet (hence the title of this post) but there was no way it would fit along with the backstory. But I still wanted to share.
This is what she wrote:
The pot was still plugged and the kitties were sitting at the dining table sipping coffee. I joined them for a cup. They were not amused.
My cats may be irritated but at least they’re okay! And I think they may be planning a coup. 🙂
– You’re at the grocery store checking our with your groceries when an elderly person starts a conversation with your checker and suddenly you’re standing there bored and ignored
– An elderly person rams your car when parking and when confronted merely shrugs, never apologizes and walks away
– After waiting patiently in line at the restaurant to pay the check an elderly man walks up and sticks his ticket in the face of an employee who takes care of him first
Frustrating? Hells yes. Like a helpless idiot you take it each and every time. And there’s nothing you can do about it, right?
Well now you can!
Introducing the new AbyssCo Pre-Gen Taser – specially calibrated and balanced to meet the unique needs of the geriatric set. This little device works just like its big brother, but is perfectly suited for use on the generation that came before you.
The Pre-Gen Taser is not available in stores and comes with our lifetime guarantee that it won’t interfere with pacemakers, won’t fry hearing aids and prevents the embarrassment of dentures being ejected. All this with the peace of mind that you’ll be long gone by the time your target regains his wits.
How It Works
Our patented Pre-Gen Probes are softer and have been specially designed to protect elderly targets and deliver a debilitating shock that is perfectly age-adjusted for needs of elderly miscreants. And an oscillating energy pulse is used to bring your target down slowly which helps prevent unsightly hip injuries.
With the optional Medi-Alert addon pak (sold separately) the Pre-Gen Taser will provide the added service of checking your target’s pulse, blood pressure, and medications – and automatically alert the nearest hospital if your target has any conditions that existed prior to the tasing. You’ll be solving an annoying problem and help save lives – all at the same time. Here at AbyssCo we call that a win-win!
Next time it happens, and it will, you’ll be ready. Pull out your Pre-Gen Taser, back away from your target a few paces (to protect yourself from released fluids), point and shoot! It’s just that easy!
Pre-order yours today and take charge* of your personal power* in the future!
* Pun intended.
“I got a little cooked, but I’m all right!”
With those words today, Tom B. Taker let the world know he was still alive and well.
Wait. Scratch that. Well, one out of two ain’t bad. 🙂
And, to be quite honest, I think Luke Skywalker was the first to utter those words. But I feel confident that whatever Taker said was just as impressive.
No, your humble host wasn’t caught in an earthquake. Nor was it a tsunami, either, although those are both serious weather phenomenon to be sure.
No, the circumstances that affected Taker were far more mundane. You see, there was a bit of cloudy weather. And then came the raindrops. Then the wind kicked up and the rain fell a little harder.
There was a flash of white light.
“Holy mother of God,” the cry went out. “It’s lightning! Batten down the hatches!”
He sprinted across the house to power down the computer but it was too late. The power had already gone out. There would be no ordinary shut down of the computer this time.
You see, in his neck of the woods, a bit of rain, a skosh of wind and a lightning bolt or two is all that is required to knock out the power grid. Repeatedly. For hours.
Yes, this really is the year 2011, the most advanced year we’ve had to date, and astronauts drink Tang, too.
Ah, the weather. For all of humankind’s magnificence, we are still very much at the mercy of things like the weather.
Personally I could care less about the weather. I hardly ever check the weather reports. The weather will be what it will be, right? I tend to be fatalistic about it. And no news or media outlet warned me there might be a lightning storm today. I used the Mother Nature notification system instead. That’s also know as “looking out the window.”
When the power came back up long enough, I did briefly turn to the Weather Channel out of curiosity. They were glad to tell me that the temperature in my town was 54 degrees. Gee, thanks. That’s useful information. I’m sure my outside thermometer outside the kitchen window couldn’t have told me that.
Who thought the Weather Channel would be a good idea, anyway? Weather is to be tucked away on a corner of the newspaper or given a few minutes on the news broadcast. It is not “entertainment” or very useful information in and of itself.
“Hey, let’s invent a television network that no one will ever watch for more than five minutes at a time.” Great business model.
That might be why the Weather Channel decided to add a little excitement by showing movies. Yep. Movies. The Perfect Storm is a no brainer. And so is Twister. Those movies promeninetly feature weather phenomenon.
But what else is there? Just how many movie plots have been driven by the weather?
Singing in the Rain? Ha!
How about March of the Penguins? I thought that was more about penguins than the weather. And the weather is sort of monotonous. “Today’s forecast is snow and cold.”
Well, how about Misery starring Kathy Bates and James Caan. Didn’t she win an Oscar for that performance? Sure, but what’s the weather angle? Oh, wait. The Caan character crashed his car because of the weather. That’s a perfect tie in!
Not content to just run someone else’s movies, though, The Weather Channel decided to make their own content. Yeah, everybody knows that’s the only real way to have a seat at The Big Table.
Thus, When Weather Changed History was born. This informative television series answers the big questions like: “If it wasn’t for the weather did you know the Hindenberg would have crashed somewhere else?”
“Next up, how huge chunks of ice may affect your evening commute. More about that and other stories in three minutes after these messages by Dunkin Donuts, Burger King and Toyota.”
What other events from history make their list? Hurricane Katrina. Okay, that one is legit.
Oops. I have to cut this post short. I just looked out the window and the ground is still wet. We might be loosing power and I don’t want this post to be lost to humanity.
The weather today did change history when it turned off the power to my house. Unfortunately we’ll never know the “could have been” of that alternate unaltered historical timeline. We’ll never really know what might have been irrevocably lost.