How many times has this happened to you?
– You’re at the grocery store checking our with your groceries when an elderly person starts a conversation with your checker and suddenly you’re standing there bored and ignored
– An elderly person rams your car when parking and when confronted merely shrugs, never apologizes and walks away
– After waiting patiently in line at the restaurant to pay the check an elderly man walks up and sticks his ticket in the face of an employee who takes care of him first
Frustrating? Hells yes. Like a helpless idiot you take it each and every time. And there’s nothing you can do about it, right?
Well now you can!
Introducing the new AbyssCo Pre-Gen Taser – specially calibrated and balanced to meet the unique needs of the geriatric set. This little device works just like its big brother, but is perfectly suited for use on the generation that came before you.
The Pre-Gen Taser is not available in stores and comes with our lifetime guarantee that it won’t interfere with pacemakers, won’t fry hearing aids and prevents the embarrassment of dentures being ejected. All this with the peace of mind that you’ll be long gone by the time your target regains his wits.
How It Works
Our patented Pre-Gen Probes are softer and have been specially designed to protect elderly targets and deliver a debilitating shock that is perfectly age-adjusted for needs of elderly miscreants. And an oscillating energy pulse is used to bring your target down slowly which helps prevent unsightly hip injuries.
With the optional Medi-Alert addon pak (sold separately) the Pre-Gen Taser will provide the added service of checking your target’s pulse, blood pressure, and medications – and automatically alert the nearest hospital if your target has any conditions that existed prior to the tasing. You’ll be solving an annoying problem and help save lives – all at the same time. Here at AbyssCo we call that a win-win!
Next time it happens, and it will, you’ll be ready. Pull out your Pre-Gen Taser, back away from your target a few paces (to protect yourself from released fluids), point and shoot! It’s just that easy!
Pre-order yours today and take charge* of your personal power* in the future!
* Pun intended.
Shouts from the Abyss 
Where do I send my check?
Do you do bulk orders? I’d like to buy one for everyone I’ve ever met. 🙂
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Our orders department has been slammed, as you can no doubt tell by the sheer volume of comments. 🙂
Our engineers are already at work designing our next product: The Pedia-Taser! This little baby is going to be specially designed to work safely on assholes who happen to be youngsters AKA brats. It’s a niche market and we intent to fill that need!
I wrote this piece out of irritation and, when done, I rather felt I had gone over the top. However, my wife laughed out loud while reading it, therefore I summoned the guts to go for it. It is really not my intention to offend.
In all three of the situations I described above, I was pissed and/or flabbergasted, but I acted graciously. You might say I behaved as the more mature person.
The man who interrupted me at the grocery store was actually a very nice fellow and probably just a little lonely and wanting someone to talk to. I was okay with that, it wasn’t like it ruined my day or anything. But I was struck by how suddenly all of us were standing around, basically on hold, as he just did whatever he wanted. I probably wouldn’t have tasered him, though. 🙂
The guy who rammed my car while parking should decidedly NOT have been driving. I couldn’t believe how little of a shit he gave about hitting my car. He literally couldn’t have cared less. It was almost like he was saying, “I’m old and I don’t give a fuck. What are you going to do about it?” Then he just turned his back on me, ending the conversation, and walked away. I probably did the wrong thing by not reporting him. I wouldn’t be surprised to learn that he later killed someone with his car. I probably have blood on my hands now. Yes, him I would have tasered.
In general, I don’t care who or what you are. Even your damn age doesn’t get you a pass. If you act like an asshole you’ll draw my ire. Life’s too short.
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Unless they’re doing it on my lunch break or before work, I reckon it’s nice to have nice people. What hurry? We all end up in the same place. What I’d like is the taser for adults who won’t control their screaming kids. Not the kids’ faults, it’s their parents’.
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LOL!
I know you were writing this at the same time as me. See previous comment, re: The Pedia-Taser.
Whether you aim it at the adults or the screaming kids is debatable. Perhaps a burst model that can take out a whole group? 🙂
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madtante and shoutabyss…two people you want on your side when the assholes come out.
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LOL! That’s a wise thing to say. I had just been pondering whether or not you needed to be tased.
Very good, very good.
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I thought I felt a little tingle…glad it wasn’t you. 🙂
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Take charge…doh!
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Thanks! I sure know how to crack myself up. Or should I say, “crackle?” Mwuhahah!
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