DIY: Britney Spears’ private phone number

What are the odds Britney and I would have the exact same outfit? Dammit! Image source: OMG! Why? Why? My eyes! (Wikipedia.)

What if I told you there was a way to obtain the private phone number for anyone you want? And what if it was completely legal? Now how much would you pay?

Imagine it. You could call anyone you wanted. Maybe even someone like Britney Spears.

[ringtone] … hit me baby one more time … [click]

Britney: Hello?

You: Hi, Britney. OMG, OMG, OMG!!! I can’t believe I’m really talking to you!!!

Britney (irritated): Who the hell is this?

You: It’s me.

Britney (speaking to someone else): Dammit. How the hell do they get this number? I was in the middle of lighting a cigarette, too. [click]

You: Britney? Britney? Are you there? Are you there? [pause] Britney, I love you! [pause] Oh, shit. [pause] Okay, it’s my move in Warhammer 40,000. Okay, okay. Let me finish up the paint job on this Tyranid Trygon first.

If you want conversations like that and so much more, make the jump for my secret, surefire technique. The probabilities are that you’ll love it.

The secret ingredient.

Still here? Sicko pervert!

So, what is a phone number. It is a series of 10 digits, each with a range of 10 possible values, 0 through 9. Welcome our friend, the pentagonal trapezohedron, or, as I like to call him, Mr. Ten-Sided Die.

The technique is fiendishly simple.

1. Roll 10-sided die
2. Write down number
3. Repeat steps 1-2 a total of 10 times
4. Call to test the number
5. If identification positive: throw yourself a party to celebrate
6. If identification negative: repeat process at step 1

This simple technique is guaranteed to produce results. It is not guaranteed, however, to work on the first try. A little effort on your part is required. But you’re not going to give up that easily, are you? In fact, every 10,000,000,000 attempts should produce, on average, one valid private telephone number for Britney Spears (or the person of your choice).

Your odds are actually a bit better than one success per 10 billion uses. That’s because you can disregard any rolls of 0 or 1 in the first position. This increases the odds to a whopping 1 in 8 billion. That’s a restriction of area codes that works to your benefit.

And, you’ll likely encounter other famous and/or desirable people before reaching your target. These bonus connections are included at absolutely no additional charge. The random element means it will be as much fun for you as it is for the person on the other end.

Imagine talking to a very surprised Alec Baldwin or even Mel Gibson himself? Now how much would you pay?

When they ask, “How did you get this number?” just tell them: “The guru sent me!”