Mac Salad Annie

Now pimpin ain't easy but it's necessary.

Lame title, I know. It was either that or something about sticking a feather in my cap which we all know I’m not gonna do unless I’m pimping. So I guess that makes me “Annie.” And what does Annie like to talk about a lot? Tomorrow!

Long story short: I wanted some macaroni salad. In a rabies-induced state of confusion I had purchased a container of Reser’s Macaroni Salad which was just tasty and food-like enough to make me crave the real thing. (Reser’s brand is to be avoided like the plague unless one has rabies.)

So I decided I would make my own macaroni salad. Something with real ingredients and real flavor and not pumped to the gills with preservatives. I got out my favorite recipe tome, The Fannie Farmer Cookbook, and considered the recipe. It looked doable so the mission was a go. I figured I’d take some mac salad to work in plastic containers to go with my lunches.

That was last Sunday, a whopping four days ago. I didn’t bother to write down the ingredients and each time I went to the store my shopping was pathetic. The first trip I picked up elbow macaroni, pimentos and mayonnaise. I couldn’t remember anything else. And it turns out I got the large elbow macaroni. Argh! I hate shopping!

The next trip I got some more ingredients but still forgot some.

Finally it was Wednesday. By now I was feeling frustrated because my plan to have mac salad with my lunch was a miserable failure. That morning my wife had made a list of everything we still needed. After work it was one final stop at the grocery on my way home.

At last! I was able to start cooking. I tackled the recipe with relish. (Not an actual ingredient this time.) Suddenly I realized I had a little problem. I was missing the freakin’ green onions!

I checked the list my wife had written out for me. Yep. Green onions were on there. Somehow I had still found a way to forget them. ARGH!

My kitchen was all messed up, the ingredients were all prepped, the wrong-sized pasta had already been cooked and there I stood with no green onions. “I sure suck at this,” I thought miserably to myself.

After dinner my wife went to get an Easter card and while at the store picked up the holy grail green onions. finally I was able to finish my macaroni salad! Yeah!

Waking up Thursday morning I was a bit excited. At long last my plan had finally come to fruition. Today was the day I’d have real homemade macaroni salad at work with my lunch. (It says a lot about my life that this actually excited me.)

If it ended there this post might never have been written. We all know by now, though, it never ends that easy for me.

On Thursday I packed my macaroni salad and took it to work. But it turned out that it was the office manager’s birthday and that meant it was time for shitty pizza and shitty team building for lunch. I gagged down a few pieces of crapholio pizza, unenthusiastically participated in the required social customs then went back to work.

It only took a few more hours before I realized what had happened: I had forgotten about my macaroni salad! Again!

Oh well, there’s always tomorrow. Unfortunately, for me, that mythical day always stays a day away.

Side Dish

The title for this post is inspired by the song “Polk Salad Annie” by Tony Joe White which was a big hit back in 1969. It later became a popular song for Elvis Presley on the jelly doughnut circuit.

The song misspells the main ingredient, something called “poke salad” which was a staple of southern cuisine. Poke salad is made from a poisonous plant called pokeweed.

Poisonous? Yep. All parts of the pokeweed are poisonous. That makes it logical to cook and eat, right? It turns out that if you gather young leaves before they turn red then boil them three times, this reduces the toxins and makes the leaves edible, resulting in the dish known as “poke salad.” Of course, if you guess wrong on the age of the leaves that can result in a poisoning.

Boil three times then eat? I’d like to meet the son of a bitch who thought of that. “Nope, boiling two times is still poisonous. Dammit, that just isn’t good enough. I’m going to try for three!”

See what you learn reading this blog? Of course none of you are still here. 🙂