Obama gets logically fingered

“Sorry, kids. Those answers – all of them – are wrong. Looks like, once again, I’m the only one with the right answer. What did you expect? After all, don’t forget who’s the teacher and who’s the student here. That’s not by accident! Aw, don’t cry. Look. Participant ribbons for everyone, okay? Yeah!”

It’s true. My career in education was a short one.

I was going to run a caption contest for the picture of Arizona Governor Jan Brewer planting a part of her anatomy in the airspace of Obama’s face, but then I realized that such a contest would be a pointless exercise. Why? Because, of course, there is one (and only one) right answer.

Scientists discover Google

In the spirit of Don’t Be Evil, I’ve got something to say.

Hyppo and Critter: I’m the CEO, yahoo!!!

A couple of weeks ago Yahoo! got a new CEO. He can earn up to $26 million in 2012 in cash, stock and bonuses.

This is an FYI: I’m available to do the job for less. Ah, shit. I can probably take as little at $500k and fuck the stock options and bonuses. I bring a wide array of skills to the table and I work lean and mean.

And I can use words like: synergy, win-win, “I got this,” blazin’, meggy, modernization, crowdsourcing, “low-hanging fruit” and social media. Oh, also: array and “lean and mean.”

I also have lots of ideas. Here’s a freebie to give you a wee taste: Don’t spend $26 million a year on a new hire.

Yahoo!, I await. Have your people call my people and we’ll do lunch.

Termination Tuesday – The Sweet 16 – Week 5

Click to enlarge

Congratulations, everybody! We’re officially half-way through the Sweet 16. I guess that explains why I’m draggin’ and feel dead on my feet.

Yeah, a pun about dying. You know this shit is fun.

Last week was a squeaker with Electrocution giving Hypothermia the cold shoulder. I’d say it was shocking, but that would be one pun too many.

This week features a gonzo marquee match-up. Therefore our advertising rates have tripled. This is the one most of you have been waiting for. Even the bookies in Las Vegas are refusing to issue odds – and that’s sacrilege! Yep, sitting this one out is a clear sign this will be a fierce contest. Or maybe they just had too much meat at the city-wide 24-hour all-you-can-eat buffet?

Christmas bonus – some restrictions may apply

If I designed that sign I wouldn't have split "apologize" and I would have put a space in "thank you." That's why I'm worth the big bucks.

Ah. What a dilemma. What to get the employee who has nothing?

It was mid-2011 and my wife’s employer had already announced there wouldn’t be any Christmas bonuses. A few key people were laid off and replaced with fresher and more inexpensive ones. (Good management is hard to miss.)

And yet, when Christmas rolled around, management had one more surprise up their sleeve. Yes, Virginia, there is a Christmas bonus, although, in this case, interpretation of the word “bonus” can be a wee bit tricky.

It was a little something that made my $50 Walmart gift card look like a gift from the Gods.

Can you even guess what her “bonus” might be? Close your eyes and try to imagine it before reading further.

All You Can Meat

Close-up view of Pete's colon. Tagline: Just when you thought a colon would stop at 41 pounds of processed meat...

What happened in Vegas didn’t stay in Vegas. It got pooped out in my home town…

I know this guy. And no, just this once, that isn’t code for talking about myself. Let us call him Pete.

Hyppo and Critter: My guy vs. your guy #FamilyValues