I do my research. Before writing this post, I consulted a tome of goodness known as the Demotivational Dictionary (Imaginary Edition):
1: the weakest link in any business activity
Wise words. I should know. I wrote that book.
I remember the time someone called and placed an order for $14,000 worth of our shitty product, wanted it shipped immediately, and promised to send payment on the second Tuesday of next week.
The boss literally became a Viagra commercial as he frantically shoved our financial futures out the door. He wanted that sale. And thus began the saga that would eventually be known as The Year of Getting Our Money Back.
For my next trick, I will use the power of analogy to illustrate typical boss functionality.
One day the boss noticed a business problem. Example: The company car was out of gas.
The boss said something witty about this, like what he read on a box of Cracker Jacks: “Don’t bring me problems. Bring me solutions!”
The boss knew what to do. The car needed fuel. But he’s a tightwad. So he hatched a brilliant plan.
“Put one gallon of gas in the car.”
That’s when I made my debut in this little drama. See, I’m the science officer on-board the U.S.S. Enterprise. I view it as my job to point things out, like: “If we enter the nebula, our shields will be useless.”
But, once the captain gives an order and ignores my wisdom, I merely shrug and do what he says. Because, fuck him.
“If you only put one gallon of gas in the car,” I interjected wisely, “logic dictates you won’t be able to drive very far.”
Depending on his mood, the boss may or may not bother to note this in the ship’s log. Either way, though, the next words out of his mouth are always, “Make it so!”
Later, when the boss ran out of gas on his way to Taco Bell, he threw the biggest conniption of all time. I felt inspired.
And that’s my boss analogy for today.