Tag Archives: youngling

Three blind gerbils

Gerbil nutritional pyramid. Take and bake pizza information was not available by our publication deadline.

Not every gerbil path is exactly the same. For example, most drop out of high school but some actually hang tough and barely graduate. Either way, though, the paths taken can still have remarkable similarities.

Most live at home as long as possible. Most avoid jobs, effort and all forms of responsibility like the plague. Most get into things like drugs, smoking, energy drinks (Monster, Red Bull) and expensive coffee stand drinks as quickly and as deeply as possible. Most are extremely poor, becoming adept moochers, yet still maintaining the most expensive of tastes. Some rely solely on mooching skills, others may turn to petty theft and crimes to maintain their standards of living.

In terms of avoiding jobs, most gerbils go one step further and begin customizing their appearance. Things like tattoos, tongue piercings, lip piercings, ear piercings, ear lobe gauging, bizarre facial hair, nose rings, and long dirty unkempt hair are routine. Strange clothing completes the ensemble. Not wanting to be limited to the dimension of sight only, most smell bad as well.

The net result is a life form that it almost unemployable in every way shape or form.

I’ve covered most of this before, however. This is really nothing new.

Our GRIPE scientists recently made another startling breakthrough in measuring gerbil behavior. Within a single herd they successfully identified three males sharing a surprising characteristic: They have all applied and been approved to receive food stamps!

The GRIPE scientists wanted me to pass along a message regarding this finding: “We are not shitting you.”

Details are still sketchy, more field research is needed, but here’s what we know so far.

Three gerbils, including our own son and two of his herd, have applied for and received food stamps. Yes, they’ve had a rough life and need help from a system they’ve never fucking paid into. Dropping out of work, avoiding your GED, refusing to look for a job, and turning your physical being into a fashion accessory is hard work.

So these three lazy 21-year-old assholes who have underachieved, dropped out, and never really held down a job are all pulling in food stamps.  The food stamp money can even be used to pay for their “take and bake” pizzas!

Oh … my … God. What does a motherfucker living at home still need food stamps for???

I think the pyramid produced by our GRIPE staff sums it up nicely. Pot, smoking and drugs all come first. Then non-nutritional edibles like candy, expensive coffee drinks and the primary nutritional source for gerbils: lots and lots of Monster and Red Bull energy drinks.

If you have no job, live at home, have a medical marijuana card and are on food stamps, nothing less than $4 coffee drinks will suffice. Obviously.

–Tom B. Taker

It’s obvious why their is a need for food stamps. They do actually use the food stamps to buy some groceries, thus they are able to divert the remainder of their cash money to the things they really want that are really useless. The other day the gerbil stopped by and tried to borrow money from us because, he said, he only had 43 cents to his name. Yet he is never without his expensive smokes. Funny how that works.

Really, I want to know. What, if anything, are we teaching the youth of this generation and how in any way, shape or form are they being prepared to deal with the real world? I fear for them.

Gerbil rampage

You wouldn't like me when I'm angry

Occasionally my gerbil research affords me the opportunity to observe other interesting individuals within the herd. I’d like to introduce one notable gerbil today.

This gerbil is not my own, but I’ve been able to observe him for some time from the safety of my gerbil blind. He has most if not all of the gerbil characteristics previously identified during my research.

Additionally this gerbil is male, about 24 years old, unemployed, living with his parents, father to a baby, and heavy drinker and drug user. His plumage of choice is marijuana plants grown under the family garage. When the plants are threatened this gerbil becomes extremely territorial and aggressive.

I was able to document some extraordinary behavior on the part of this particular gerbil last Sunday.

The gerbil took his baby with him to a friend’s house to watch the Super Bowl. At the end of the game, the gerbil dropped off the baby with his mother. (The gerbil’s mother, not the baby’s mother.) The gerbil wanted babysitting services until the next day. Mom said okay (gerbil acquiescence), but he’d have to return by 7am and pick up the baby because that was when she’d be leaving to go to her full-time job.

The next morning the gerbil actually showed up on time. However, when he learned that mom didn’t actually have to leave until 8am (she had changed her plans slightly) the gerbil became enraged. Why? Because the gerbil realized he could have slept in another hour. The gerbil had been inconvenienced. The gerbil responded to his innkeeper by showing his teeth, growling, and exhibiting many other classic signs of hostility and aggression.

By this point mom had finally had enough. She informed the gerbil that the free ride gravy train days were over. It was time for the gerbil to go.

This sobered the gerbil a bit, but he was still defiant. “I can’t go,” he said.

“Why the hell not,” mom wanted to know.

Wait … for … it …

“It’s your fault,” the gerbil quipped. “You didn’t raise me right.”

Sadly, this is the true factual record of my research. It has not been embellished or exaggerated at all to increase the impact. This is exactly how it happened.

It’s too late for the gerbil parent featured here, but if you find yourself with a younger gerbil, there may still be time to avoid this inevitable fate. You may need to seriously ask yourself:

Is it time for a gerbil intervention???

Gerbils in the Mist – expedition field notes

Night vision goggles capture a gerbil in standard nocturnal mode

Editor’s Note: This report filed by shoutabyss is the fourth in a series of our ongoing team coverage of False Empty Nest Syndrome (or FENS). If you’ve missed our previous coverage, “gerbil” is the term we’ve come up with to describe a youngling who fails to leave the nest, thus triggering the onset of “False Empty Nest Syndrome.”

When we last caught sign of gerbil spore, four cans of overpriced and over-hyped energy drinks had mysteriously appeared in our refrigerator, so we knew the gerbil was close. Sure enough, the next day we flushed the little fellow out in the open. It was mostly a peaceful encounter. Still, one must already remember to tread with caution.

At times, the gerbil can be an extremely elusive animal, and indeed, we saw little sign of the gerbil for a number of days. Then I was informed there had been another sighting, this time by Mrs. Abyss. She said later that very day the gerbil would be preparing our evening meal.

This can be one of the most rewarding and perplexing aspects of gerbilology. You never know what they’ll do next. They are remarkably surprising animals. In this case the gerbil had actually approached us and voluntarily offered to make dinner. (Tortilla soup.) Extraordinary. But, the one thing you mustn’t ever do is underestimate the gerbil’s ability to disappoint. Yes, the evening came and went with no sign of gerbil. Just a cryptic text message that said, “working late.”

In fact, as of now, we haven’t seen the gerbil for several days. We foraged for ourselves that evening and we haven’t seen hide nor hair of the beast ever since. We’d almost suspect that the animal had finally moved on to a new nest and host organism …

Except …

There have been subtle new signs that the gerbil is close, but, for reasons unknown, is choosing to remain just out of sight. It was such a dramatic shift in behavior that I almost missed the signs.

Normally the gerbil is very much a nocturnal animal, choosing to eat, play and engage in reproduction practices at night, then nesting during the day. This is a naturally evolved defense mechanism that allows the gerbil to avoid daytime dangers like responsibilities, chores, and nagging and comments from nest-mates that the gerbil would very much prefer to avoid.

This time something was different. I arrived home from work at the normal time and nothing seemed amiss. However there was a very strong smell from the bathroom. My tracking skill told me a gerbil had been there, probably on a deuce run. (Previously documented behavior where the gerbil visits the nest for the sole purpose of depositing wastes then immediately flees before being detected.) The very next day the deuce run pattern was repeated and my suspicions were confirmed.

The gerbil had switched to daytime nocturnal mode.

“Daytime nocturnal” is the etymology I’ve developed to refer to this newly discovered form of gerbil behavior. The gerbil can be a very clever beast. It learns the patterns of the nest, which allows it to select “safe” times for visiting which will minimize the chance of contact, thus minimizing the previously mentioned threats that are viewed as keen dangers: Conversation with the innkeepers (those who maintain the nest for the gerbil), discussions of money, chores, responsibilities, the status of job hunting efforts, odors emanating from piles of dirty laundry, and much much more. Gerbils have developed a sixth sense for avoiding dangers like these.

The signs of daytime nocturnalism are fairly familiar and include: missing food, freshly used restroom facilities, kitchen appliances left on the counter, food debris, empty beer and energy drink cans in the garbage, dirty dishes, empty food containers left on the counter, missing possessions and more.

Follow-up Report: Energy drink ritual exposed (rare photograph)

A rare image taken from within a gerbil herd gathering

Gerbils are known to travel in herds. One aspect of behavior that is seemingly of paramount importance is the consumption and display of energy drinks like Red Bull and Monster. In fact, cans of these beverages function as a form of plumage form the gerbil (which has no naturally evolved plumage) in both peer situations and during mating when trying to earn the attention of suitable females for reproduction rituals.

I would be remiss if I didn’t point out that gerbil plumage includes other items, too, such as cigarettes and other tobacco products, alcohol (especially beer in cans), illegal drugs, expensive coffee drinks, vehicles, electronic devices and, of course, cell phones and text messaging devices. Cans of energy drinks, however, seem to be, by far, the most coveted within gerbil culture.

This rare photograph, which was taken by a gerbil within a herd gathering and then stored to my computer, illustrates the importance placed on a can of Monster energy drink by the herd. Other images from the same stores prominently feature cigarettes and cans of beer. The gerbils take an incredible amount of care to feature energy drinks, cans of beer and cigarettes in the composition of the photography, usually in the foreground, thus expressing much better than words ever could the significant and spiritual role such items play within the herd gathering.

Anger, thy name is Gerbilista

Note the red eye - must be caused by all the energy drinks!

Editor’s Note: This is Part Two in our ongoing team coverage of False Empty Nest Syndrome (or FENS).

Before I begin, I’d like to send shouts at the PeevePile.com web site and their post about the “ista” suffix, something that has been just about been run into the ground and has hopefully run its course. Trying deliberately to be a dick, I went out of my way to use it, though, and came up the word “gerbilista” for this post. I was curious if anyone else had ever used the term (they had) and while checking I found PeevePile.com by chance. Woot! 🙂

I’m pleased to report I was able to conduct an amazing amount of gerbil research in just the last two days. If you missed part one of this series, gerbil is the term I came up with to describe a youngling who fails to leave the nest, thus triggering the onset of False Empty Nest Syndrome.

A common gerbil may not have any resources, like actual money, but even so, the type of beverage that is prized by the gerbil is always of paramount importance. It may even be a matter of life and death. Beverages are used as a replacement for plumage and to establish hierarchy within the herd. The varieties of beverage may differ based on locality, but usually it is idiotic shit like Red Bull and Monster. The gerbil’s motto seems to be: “I may not have money, but I still want to pay over $2.00 for a smallish can of drink.” The particular gerbil I’m studying also has a penchant for coffee house drinks that can cost $3.25 each. Again, the actual cost is of no consequence to the gerbil – where there is a will there is a way. (This same concept applies to cigarettes, alcohol and drugs as well.)

Even if the gerbil can’t pay for its own food, rent, clothes, gas, insurance and cell phone bill (shocking, I know!), it always seems to find the determination and a way to the beverages at the end of the maze. No small amount of lying about finances may be involved and, when necessary, the gerbil is a master of moochiness.

Our gerbil owes us something like $600 in loans and a plane ticket to save his ass from being stranded in a big city far away. The gerbil works odd jobs here and there, so he has some income, and has yet never made any effort to pay us back while living for free in our house. Not even $5. To facilitate this absolute level of sloth, the gerbil must often lie and always claim, no matter what, to be flat ass broke.

A couple of weeks ago we hit a rough spot and Mrs. Abyss actually “borrowed” $30 from our gerbil. (Yes, try to wrap your minds around the concept of borrowing from someone who already owes you a lot of money.) Guess what? The gerbil is one of the worst creditors of all time. Who knew? Bring on the phone calls, “Hey, you got my $30 yet? I really, really need that!”

No doubt.

So Mrs. Abyss gave the gerbil her ATM card yesterday because the gerbil wanted repayment and she didn’t have any cash. The gerbil was under strict instructions to take $20 and only $20 no matter what.

Even if you aren’t a FENS scientist like me I bet you can see where this is going. We checked our bank statement and lo and behold there was a mysterious charge for $3.25 at a local coffee house. By weird happenstance it was our gerbil’s favorite coffee house. The charge took place during the same window that the gerbil physically was in possession of our ATM card. Of course, it goes without saying that the $20 was also withdrawn.

Naturally we asked the gerbil about this during his next deuce run. The gerbil denied everything. Oh no, it wasn’t him! He didn’t purchase any coffee with our card. He was adamant about it. That left us curious, since neither of us has been to the coffee stand in months. Offended by our gall, the gerbil stormed out of our home.

The main point I’m making is that gerbils have evolved an enhanced sense of what I’m calling “responsibility camouflage.” This camouflage kicks in during times of extreme danger, usually in the form of pathological lying. If you watch carefully, you may be able to catch a gerbil in the wild exhibiting this trait.

Stay tuned. More fun gerbil discoveries are no doubt right around the corner!