Magic: The Blathering
You’ll have to excuse the faltering nature of this post: My Facebook status is currently “Low on Mana.”
You know I like to think the Big Thoughts (har) and these mental excitations decidedly do not lead to good vibrations. In fact, more often than not, they lead to impasse.
Most people, I hear tell, have an angel on one shoulder and a devil on the other. Not me. I have a miniaturized and hovering Gandalf the Grey and he continually yells, “You shall not impasse!” For some reason, though, that’s not all that helpful.
What sort of big thoughts, you ask, oh helpful reader? Just wee trifling matters. Is climate change real and impacted by human behavior? Do vaccines kill my kids? Should girls be allowed to show a little shoulder in their high school yearbook photos? Will a little non-disclosed GMO kill me? Is it acceptable to harvest organs from poor people? Would raising minimum wage help or hurt the economy? Will we as a society literally swallow petroleum until it kills us? Does being armed to the teeth make society safer or more dangerous? Should politicians and people advertising products have to tell the truth? Does Earth orbit the sun or does the entire universe orbit the Earth? Does trickle-down economics represent the overall best solution for everyone? Why does Hulu Plus have commercials if there’s a monthly fee? Why does a good portion of the people on this planet feel it is acceptable for a 50-year-old man to marry a 12-year-old girl? Does Obamacare make our nation stronger or weaker?
It should be obvious my wee little brain is incapable of grappling with weighty issues like these (and many, many more). What to do? What to do?
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Work sucks: A giant sucking sound
First there was the shot heard round the world. Then came the sucking sound heard round the world…
This Tuesday morning the work week started like most any other. And by that I mean, of course, hating myself and wishing I had the guts to … well, a little self-censorship can occasionally be a good thing. ‘Nuff said.
We were in the factory going about the business of selling our piece of shit widgets. It was gloomy.
Suddenly the phone rang and the boss took the call…
It was obvious that something was up. Soon the boss was panting like a bitch in heat, even more than he normally does. A big fish was on the line!
Eventually he hung up the phone and let out a holler. “I just made a $20,000 sale!”
I glanced over in disgust just long enough to see that his eyeballs were gone. In their place were spinning green orbs, pulsating, glowing and looking a hell of a lot like dollar signs.
The boss was gone, yo.
As always when customers were involved, there was some urgency regarding the order. In fact, they needed it like yesterday. Just like always. My failure to plan is your emergency. Typical.
Due to the figures involved, the boss couldn’t wait to lick their hand and give them every consideration. Remember – This is the all-knowing, all-seeing magical boss of intelligence who makes the Wizard of Oz look like idiotic mold found on top of pond scum.
Long story short, he devised a plan that was pure genius. Genius!!!
It went a little something like this:
Step One – Skip the step where we accept payment before shipping product. Remember, these customers were in a hurry.
Step Two – Spend all day working on the order, trying to keep up the appearances that you can actually follow through on what you said you’d do. Forsake all other tasks and customers who are suddenly irrelevant.
Step Three – Ship everything you can scrape together out the door.
Step Four – Payment magically comes, somehow, later.
The boss explained his ace up his sleeve here. If they didn’t come through with the payment as promised, he’d simply call UPS and recall the shipment. Oh, it sounds so damn easy in his fantasies.
The package was shipped. It contained about $14,000 worth of stupid, piece of shit goodies that we sell. Hey, it’s a living.
The next day the payment call didn’t come in as promised.
The boss waited another day then leapt into action. Suddenly the customer became hard to get a hold of and didn’t return calls. But still he held off on recalling the shipment.
On Thursday the window of opportunity on the shipment closed. The product was now in their grubby little fingers.
And then, today, the shit hit the fan. Oh my. I’m so surprised. Who could have foreseen this? Certainly not a blubbering idiot like me that depends on the boss to tell me how to wipe my own ass.
How did the boss spend his day? Crying about transaction fees on a $14,000 credit card charge. At two or three percent it worked out to be about $300. You see, the customer had to cancel the order but the credit card processing companies still keep their cut. Man, no pig in the history of the universe ever squealed so damn well! You’d think they wanted one of his kidneys or something. Actually, scratch that. He would have actually given one of those up to save the money from his own damn mistake.
That’s assuming, of course, that we eventually do get paid and don’t have to eat a $14k loss on this deal, which I feel is still possible. He was moaning a little while ago about how the customer had “lied” to him.
He spent all day long on the phone schmoozing banks, credit card companies, processing centers, and also the customer. He thinks he’s so damn smooth with his sickening little “aren’t I funny” giggle. Ugh. All he did was beg for other people to fix his mistake so it wouldn’t cost him personally. I thought it was really cute how when things didn’t go exactly his way he’d drop his fake nice person persona and turn on them in anger. Ha ha ha ha ha!
And he really squealed some more when getting schooled on how funds were on hold, refunds would have to come from his business checking, etc. That means he has to shift $14k of his own money around to cover this mistake for about a week. “I have the money,” he wined, “but I don’t want to do that!” If he was three years old holding his wubbie and stamping his foot it would have been sublime perfection.
This post is a hatchet job but I don’t care. I just wanted to share. I love working for intelligent people.
Obama speech to school children exposes the Wizard
You’re not supposed to ever pull back the curtain and see the “Wizard.”
Doing so gives you knowledge and destroys the illusion. It ruins the lie. Once the secret is revealed magic is no longer interesting.
In this case, the illusion was the lie that Obama was attempting to “indoctrinate” our kids by broadcasting a speech into public school classrooms.
Oh yes, Chicken Little himself would be proud of the politics of fear we’ve seen of late.
Terrified and angry parents worked to find out if their school would show the speech. Under acrimonious pressure school systems suddenly had to decide what they would do. Would they show the speech? Would they make it optional? Would parents keep their kids out of school?
Yes, truly a shining example of the greatest democracy on Earth in action.
So, what kind of terrible things were in this speech, anyway?
Every single one of you has something you’re good at. Every single one of you has something to offer. And you have a responsibility to yourself to discover what that is. That’s the opportunity an education can provide.
… no matter what you want to do with your life – I guarantee that you’ll need an education to do it.
Thank you, God bless you, and God bless America.
I hope this peek behind the curtain helps America realize the viscious snake oil that continues to be sold by the divisive talking head pundits on TV and radio. This should be a wake up call.
The emperor indeed has no clothes, but it’s not the emperor we’ve been led to believe.