Quantum of Grimace: Abyss 2012 Christmas Gift Guide
Back after a one-year hiatus it’s the Shouts From The Abyss 2012 Christmas Gift Giving Guide! I know you’ve all been waiting with baited breath to see what’s at the top of my list so let’s dive right in. Is that okay with you, Sugarplum?
I promise it’ll be more fun than a black hole.
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Look into my eye and smile
In honor of SOPA protests today, I thought about protesting myself, but bloody hell. Why should I be the one doing you guys all of the favors? So I decided to go ahead and post so you can also suffer right along with me. (This post was written on SOPA protest day. -Ed.)
When that freak little magical being showed up and offered to grant me one wish, I did what anyone would do. I became suspicious and kicked him in the nards. No one can really grant wishes, right? So he/she/it must have been a liar.
In the past, I always stated with supreme confidence that if I was granted one wish it would be the ability to read the thoughts of other people. I always followed that up with a bold prediction: With that particular power, and within 30 days, I would become Supreme Ruler and Potentate of the Taker Planet. (Earth would be renamed by my decree.)
Yes, that power would make me just that invincible.
Sure, invisibility is always a strong contender for the one wish thingy, but in the end, I’m a heavy breather and I think it would be a waste of a power. Besides, what can you really hope to gain from watching strangers have lots of sex?
Recently, though, a new idea has been brewing. Just in case I ever get offered a wish, I need to be prepared, so I give this a lot of thought. If and when the time comes you need to be ready.
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Guru Comic: Feelin’ Feisty
Guru feels feisty. I looked up the word “feisty” in the dictionary to make sure I was spelling it correctly and included in the footnotes it said, and I quote: “break wind.”
I shit you not.
I then clicked “break wind” because, what the hell, it was clickable!
That resulted in this gem:
release gas from the anus.
Yes! I love it when things go full circle. I work in mysterious ways, much like a fart in a hurricane.
My work here is done.
All Access Travelogue: How to get in to Skywalker Ranch
Welcome to the dinner salad, young Skywalker. And I see you brought your own Ranch. Impressive!
Ever wanted to visit Skywalker Ranch? Hell, who wouldn’t? Hearst had his castle, Michael Jackson had Neverland, and George Lucas has gots his digs, too.
And I know how to get in. Curious? Keep reading for my exclusive tip on how to be invited into the Lucasonian world known as Skywalker Ranch.
This tip is foolproof and guaranteed to get you in – but only if you can exactly follow my advice. Be warned and remember! Nothing worthwhile ever comes easy.
Skywalker Ranch is the secret fort of Lucas where he stages massive toy soldier battles between Jedi action figures and Clone Trooper action figures. It is truly a sight to behold.
Situated on about 3,000 acres 20 miles north of San Francisco is the city that Lucas built.
The Ranch contains a barn with animals, vineyards, a garden with fruits and vegetables used in the on-site restaurant, an outdoor swimming pool and fitness center with racquetball courts, the man-made “Lake Ewok,” a hilltop observatory, a 300-seat theater called “The Stag” as well as multiple theater screening rooms, and parking that is mostly concealed underground to preserve the natural landscape. Skywalker Sound was moved onto the ranch in 1987, now occupying the Technical Building. The Main House has a company research library under a stained-glass dome. Skywalker Ranch has its own fire station, which is part of the Marin County Mutual Aid system, and is often called on to assist firefighters in nearby Marinwood.
Sound like fun? Hell yeah! I can’t think of any place I’d rather be. Meanwhile, in other news, I still don’t command the financial forces necessary to be able to own one square inch of Florida swampland. (My mortgage on the property was foreclosed.) It must be nice to be able to afford to prioritize the tough choices and get just a few of the bare necessities that you want. Yes, I jealous a lot. (For me, jealous is a verb!)
Okay, here’s the secret. You read this far so I won’t keep you waiting any longer.
The secret to being invited to Skywalker Ranch is obtaining a level of consciousness where you literally care nothing about Star Wars, George Lucas and Skywalker Ranch. At this level, not only could you not care less about Star Wars, you will also find the whole thing rather tedious, boring and silly. Only once you would automatically refuse any invitation to visit Skywalker Ranch will you be ready.
Once you’ve carefully followed the above tip you will be invited for a visit. Trust me. I’ve personally witnessed this.
I was with a woman who was an artist back when Lucas decided to make a Star Wars prequel-trilogy starting with The Phantom Menace. Her company was one of the millions courting Lucasfilm for Phantom Menace licensing projects. This woman had absolutely no interest in Star Wars. None. Zip. Nada. Zilch! She had never even seen any of the movies – not even once! On the other hand, of course, I was supergeek who had quite literally worn Star Wars tshirts every day for an entire year during the eighth grade.
As luck would have it, she was invited along with a few others from her company to attend a meeting at Skywalker Ranch. As you might guess, attendees went on this business trip alone – no guests were permitted. In this topsy-turvy world she was the one who was allowed to visit. I was the one who stayed home and received a Skywalker Ranch coffee mug from the on-site “company store” as a consolation prize.
And there you have it! Another secret and practical tip from this cutting-edge blog. Now go out there and put it into action!
What if everything came up roses?
What if a guru came down from the lonely mountain and discovered a beautiful world full of possibility, promise and the milk and honey of human kindness? What if, also, he realized that referring to himself as “guru” doesn’t necessarily make it so?
Yes, today is the first day of the rest of your life … so make it a good one.
Today is a good day. I’ve got the warmth of the loving sun on my face and the fresh air in my lungs. And my feet ready to take me anywhere I want to be. How lucky is that?
What if you already possess everything you ever required to be the happiest you’ve ever been? What if it was locked inside of you and all you had to do was let it out? And what if nothing was easier, if only you knew the way?
So what if life throws a lemon at you every now and again? That’s just to keep you on your toes. It helps to prevent boredom from setting in. But, don’t just make lemonade. Make it a fun adventure. Throw in some creme fraiche and some escargot and do it up Top Chef style. Turn any everyday fruit beverage into an amuse bouche. Inject your own style and personality and make it yours. And then drink deeply of the rich adventure of life. That’s the most precious gift of all.
Every morning, for something different than the same o’ same o’, wake up, roll out of bed, leap to your feet and scream at the rest of the world, “I am here! I have survived to live another day! And this day will be mine!”
Life isn’t meant to be easy. Nothing good comes easy. You have to want it, grapple with it, subdue it and make it yours.
Remember the wise words of Captain James Tiberius Kirk:
“Maybe we weren’t meant for paradise. Maybe we were meant to fight our way through – struggle, claw our way up, scratch for every inch of the way. Maybe we can’t stroll to the music of lutes. We must march to the sound of drums.”
Aye, Captain. We will make it so!
I feel so different … so alive. Yes, the power of change is coursing through my veins. Today I feel like spreading motivational positivity.
Yes, something has happened to me. Today I feel different.
There’s a stranger in my mirror
Who don’t know how to behave
He keeps grinnin’ ’bout you
And whistlin’ tunes
While he ought to be watchin’ me shave
We move alike and we look the same
But I swear we’ve got totally different brains
And the love we’re in with you just makes it clearer
He used to be my twin
Now there’s a stranger in my mirror
So who’s with me? Who else believes that thoughts are things, and if only you believe, then your wildest dreams will come true and come to you? All you have to do is believe.
Today I’m going out, I’m going to take on the day, and I’m going to do my part to make the world a better place.
Be the best you you can be and your well of abundance will spill over and quench the thirst of those around you. Lead by example!
Just do it. Make it happen. Be the change you want to see in the world. You are an army of one.
There is no “I” in team! Give it your all, give it your one-hundred and ten percent.
Step up to the plate.
Think outside of the box.
Now I have to go. I can’t wait to get to work. I’m like a kid on Christmas morning who can’t wait to open his presents. Come on, time, move. I’m getting impatient to live this day!
If you need me, just look up. You’ll find me at the second star to the right and straight on till morning.