This Week In #Poop
Billy Jean is not my lov… eh, WTF? (Click image for original source.)
I’ve had this casual and-and-off thing with poop in the past. I’ve decided to formalize and normalize the relationship. [sniff] It gets me right here. Pass me a tissue, will ya?
Introducing TWIP, or, as I like to call it, This Week In Poop. Weekly? Probably not. I doubt the feature will be that regular. Still I’m willing to take a swipe at it.
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The windshield and the bug
Here’s a little something I’ve been known to say quite often: The public is ugly. What do I mean by this?
Mainly it’s all about attitude. One that encompasses a sense of entitlement with extreme rudeness. We’ve all seen gigantic dill holes strutting around and treating people like shit. From time to time all of us may have even been that dill hole. Why is this?
My personal theory has to do with the school of thought that says “the customer is always right.” What a load of bullshit!!!
Most of us have been stuck in a dead end job at one point or another. And what, above all else, has been beaten into us with a stick? The old school paradigm “the customer is always right.”
This sort of saying is a tool wielded by idiots who think they are “managing” employees just by repeating some meaningless, old, tired, broken down phrase. Sadly these are usually the worst managers of all-time.
The phrase “the customer is always right” was originally coined as an advertising gimmick by Harry Gordon Selfridge, the guy who founded the British department store Selfridges. For more about the phrase and some excellent information debunking it as a way to achieve customer service, please see the excellent article Top 5 reasons why “The Customer Is Always Right” is wrong.
So what do we miserable employees do with this horrible mindset that we’ve had beaten into us for our whole lives? Naturally when we go out in the world we trade in our “employee hat” for our “customer hat,” and then we let the good times roll. We treat every employee we meet just the way we’ve always been treated – like our own personal doormats!
Indeed, sometimes we’re the windshield and sometimes we’re the bug.
Now we have the spectacle of flight attendant Steven Slater and how he recently quit his job in the spotlight. Now there is a guy who simply got fed up with the public and how ugly we can be. This raises an important question: Just how much shit is one supposed to ingest in the interests of keeping one’s job?
An article from CNN floated across my screen today on this very same topic and it got me thinking. Here’s some excerpts from the article:
“I used to be a flight attendant. I left just after 1.5 years on the job. I was tired of not being treated with respect by passengers and management. After all these years, I still remember this kid saying loudly, ‘Here comes the trash lady.’ His father was laughing next to him.”
“The flying public in America is the rudest bunch of people I’ve ever seen. In my short experience, I was cussed out, spit at, had things thrown at me, and [was] threatened with all sorts of violence. The traveling public believes they should be able to ignore rules and do whatever they want and you are a just a slave there just to serve them, that is until the plane crashes then you’re supposed to be their savior.”
They’re preachin’ to the choir! I’ve been saying this all along!
Here’s a video to illustrate the ugly side of “I’m the customer” mindset. Here we see a woman in a drive thru reportedly at 6am and being told she can’t have any Chicken McNuggets. (When you get the munchies I guess you really get the munchies.) All this over fugging nuggets? All I can say is, “Wow!”
If this video gets removed by YouTube, you can also try this link on the New York Daily News. As of my publication deadline it also has the video.
All of this is just more convincing evidence for my upcoming book, Society of Assholes. Look for it in book stores soon if I can convince any employees to actually print the bloody thing. I’ll be the one pooping on them trying to force them to do and care about their insignificant jobs!
Personally I try to live by the Golden Rule. (I hope you were drinking Red Bull as you read this line.) Hopefully that means I’m more windshield than bug. Or is that the other way around?
In closing, please allow me to offer the following thought as both an American worker and customer: I FLING POO!!!
Please enjoy the musical selection that our chef has paired with this article.
The Rage Against The Machine alarm clock
Those of you who have dared (to waste your time) and look at my id page may have noticed that there is seemingly no limit to the number of titles I’m willing to shamelessly apply to myself.
One of those titles is “inventor.” No, not in a literal inventing sense of the word. Much like scientists will often engage in thought experiments I also like to have my fun. I guess you could say I engage in thought inventions. These are things that are “invented” (note the air quotes) but only in my head. They never exist unless made my someone smarter than me who has much more energy. Basically I just sit a lot.
Are we there yet? No!
Yes, I’m the guy who invented Google Windshield. This is a augmented reality app that is displayed on the windshield of your car as a heads-up display. Yeah, just like the fancy technology that was previously enjoyed exclusively by heroic fighter pilots. It’s an amazing powerful app that can answer questions like, “Are we there yet?” If you want to know if you’ve arrived at your destination just ask Google Windshield to display your trip’s progress bar. There is your answer in graphical form. “36 percent? Aw, what the hell?”
It can do fancier things, too. Ever see a mountain far off in the distance and get curious about it? Just point at it and Google Windshield will tell you more about it than you ever wanted to know.
Another gadget I invented I call the Mobile Serenity Enhancer. This device is worn just like a wristwatch. What does it do? It is a mobile phone jammer that finally allows you live your life in peace. Going to the movies? Just sit in the center of the movie theater and activate your own personal jamming field. The 75′ radius will ensconce you in a peaceful “circle of silence” for the next 2-3 hours. Sure, the idiots will punch their little buttons but nothing will happen. Eventually they’ll give up and those little glowing screens will go bye-bye. And no incoming calls, either! Mobile Serenity Enhancer works equally well in tons of other locations like the office, restaurants, walking down the street, standing in line at the grocery store and much, much more!
The real announcement for today, however, is the Rage Against The Machine Alarm Clock. This state of the art beauty is designed to take you from blissful slumber to a ready state of alertness in no time at all. Are you overly in love with the snooze button? RATM AC is here to help!
Our patented Morning Escalation Awakening Technology (MEAT) will wake you up in style at the pace that is right just for you.
Here now is an overview of our cascading snooze progression that can greet you every morning but only if you act now!
Initial Alert: “Ah, shit!!!” Our researchers have found that this is the optimal message to get most self-starters right out of bed on the first try.
First Snooze Alert: “Who controls the past now controls the future!” You’ve now slacked off for nine whole minutes but this is still a great way to greet the day that the Lord hath made. Get your lazy ass out of bed now, before it is too late, and you can still control your own future!
Second Snooze Alert: “Come on! Ugh! Wake up! Wake up! Wake up! Wake up!” Okay! Seriously. It’s been 18 minutes. Play time is over. You’re probably already late for something important. It is now time for a more direct approach.
Third Snooze Alert: “And now you do what they told ya!” This alert is repeated 11 times then looped without end. Perhaps the time has come for you to evaluate why you even set an alarm in the first place? Presumably to satisfy the requirements of some external forces that have been placed upon you. Yes, you have free will, but if you exercise that free will inappropriately (like not getting out of bed) there will be consequences. After 27 minutes it is time to flip your feet on the floor and do what they told ya.
Fourth Snooze Alert: “Pistol grip pump on my lap at all times!!!” Really? You’re still snoozing after 36 minutes of RATM bombardment in hi-fidelity stereo? The time for direct threats is at hand. This is the alarm clock’s final warning that you are about to be shot if you fail to get up. Every unit comes equipped with a pistol grip pump in a secret compartment. Arise NOW!
The Final Snooze Alert: “Fuck you, I won’t do what you tell me! Motherfucker! Uggh!” 45 minutes. You are truly a world-class snoozer. Stop your grinnin’ and drop your linen. Time’s up. Prepare to die. 🙂
Congratulations on the purchase of your Rage Against The Machine Alarm Clock. You are either now wide awake and ready to seize the day or you’ve been shot sleeping in your bed. Either way our product has done its job!
Shouts from the Abyss 
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