Singer/Songwriter Tom B. Taker
A trip to the Walmart in pictures
All photographs in this post were iPhoned by the blogger formerly known as ~#^7>u. Please, no autographs. I hate writing that fucking name. Next time I’m going to change my name to . or somethin’.
Yeah, I took a trip to the Walmart once. The other day my wife said she was going, so naturally I asked, “Can I come along?”
There were no anti-bacterial wipes at the entrance so my wife had to actually touch the shopping cart. And she hasn’t touched anything since – especially me! We asked the official greeter about the wipes, but she feigned ignorance.
Just to mess with my wife, I demanded an Egg McMuffin (no meat) before we actually stepped inside the store. Luckily there was a McDonald’s right there. Handy! It has been my dream to walk around a Walmart with McDonald’s food in my hand. Scratch one from my New Year’s resolutions list!
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Christmas bonus – some restrictions may apply
Ah. What a dilemma. What to get the employee who has nothing?
It was mid-2011 and my wife’s employer had already announced there wouldn’t be any Christmas bonuses. A few key people were laid off and replaced with fresher and more inexpensive ones. (Good management is hard to miss.)
And yet, when Christmas rolled around, management had one more surprise up their sleeve. Yes, Virginia, there is a Christmas bonus, although, in this case, interpretation of the word “bonus” can be a wee bit tricky.
It was a little something that made my $50 Walmart gift card look like a gift from the Gods.
Can you even guess what her “bonus” might be? Close your eyes and try to imagine it before reading further.
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The Nightmare Before October
I was taking my wife to dinner last night on Friday, September 30th, when – whooop! I had to stop the car and drive around the block. Yep, there it was. Spongebob Squarepants taking a dump on a pumpkin in a neighbor’s yard. Holy sheep shit and Merry Christmas!
So yeah. There it is. Christmas retail displays were out before Labor Day and the Halloween decorations went up while it was still October. Call me a fuddy duddy. Call me a stick in the mud. (That’s my costume this year.) Say I’m too old-fashioned and traditional. Well, phooey. I don’t like it.
Nothing says holiday spirit like a plastic piece of crap made in China that you purchased at the local WalMart. Now that’s festive!
A few houses down the block we spotted another one.
Yes, these are my neighbors. These are the “We Don’t Pick Up Beer Bottles In The Street” kind of people. They may not care about my car’s tires, but at least I can count on them when the chips are down, when it is time to dumb down the neighborhood.
Oh, the sound of rolling dice to me is music in the air, / ’cause I’m a gambling Boogie Man, although I don’t play fair. / It’s much more fun, I must confess, with lives on the line. / Not mine, of course, but yours, old boy, / now, that’ll be just fine.
Thanks for the early reminder, people. Now I know what I must do. Kidnap Mr. Sandy Claws!
You gotta hand it to Walmart
A little something making the rounds on the internet. I, of course, adore this:
Saving money means you live better
Walmart has been in the news recently.
Walmart Sales Fall For Seventh Straight Quarter In Q4, As U.S. Stores Struggle
That’s almost two years of declining sales. Did you know that? I sure didn’t.
The store’s motto is “always low prices.” Always. That’s a powerful word. What does it mean? The dictionary says, “at all times; on all occasions.” It’s one of those words with absolute meaning. It doesn’t mean often or most of the time. It means always.
The new official motto for Walmart is “Save money. Live better.” But you’ll still find the text “Always Low Prices!” plastered all over the company’s official web site.
Save money and live better? Perhaps we should critically analyze that phrase. First, in order to “save” money in that way, you have to spend money. And that’s not saving at all. And you can’t spend your way to living better, can you? Does money mean happiness? Polls don’t bear that out. Money can’t buy you love. But that doesn’t stop companies like Walmart from offering love for sale. Continue reading →
Back in Black Taco Friday
Mmm. Remember the black jack taco from Taco Bell? Featuring “jack sauce?” Trust me, that sauce is hard to make! Oh, those were the good old days. Black taco, where art thou and why hast thou forsaken us?
Black taco. Say it with me. It just rolls off the tongue.
Black taco. Black taco. Black taco.
By the way, this post has absolutely nothing to do with black tacos. But I feel like I may need some black tacos soon. I’m craving black nourishment. I’m even feeling black.
The time draws near when black taco must ride again.
What could possibly have caused this blackout?
It might be the goddamn commercials on TV trying to coax shoppers under the premise that so-called “Black Friday” savings can now be purloined all fucking month long!!!
Whooo-eeee! Stop your grinnin’ and drop your linen!
You mean even a loser like me can be stupid enough to give you my money? And think I’m actually getting a good deal? Because you’ve created a shopping holiday and are now trying to exploit it into a whole damn month of consumeristic frenzy?
Dear Sears. Dear Walmart. As the premium purveyors of Black Friday porn as early as October, you have earned my wrath. You’ve done a great job. I have seen your slime trails. I will not set foot in your stores no matter what.
New Blog Feature: As I See It
There are two main problems I see with the approach of trying to stretch a single fake day into more than a single fake month.
First, “Black Friday” has a time honored tradition of violence, elbow throwing, hair pulling, nail scratching, selfishness and the ever-popular trampling people to death. By stretching the holiday out so long you deprive your shoppers of the experience, and that simply isn’t “Black Friday” at all.
Secondly, it’s simply an utterly lame reason for a sale. What about all the time-honored reasons for sales?
- President’s Day
- Fourth of July
- Clinton-Lewinsky Blowjob Anniversary Day
- Inventory Blowout
- Going Out of Business (and re-opening with a new name)
- Rabid frogs ate our warehouse and we’re passing the savings on to you
- Back to School
In fact, if memory serves, there about 4,000 different types of sales and only 365 days in a year. Isn’t that enough?
I bet stores like Sears and Walmart think they are so clever. “Black Friday is out biggest shopping day of the year,” they lament. “If only there was some way to cash in on that.” It turns out there is a way. It’s called fucking Black Friday.
If you do decide to go to one of these lame ass sales, here’s some ideas to try to capture that “Black Friday” spirit of fun and adventure:
- Bring ten of your friends and wait for the store to open, pounding on the front door and repeatedly chanting, “Open, open, open!”
- When the doors open, race your friends through the store for a specific item. Only the first one to grab the item will be allowed to buy that item.
- After that has been decided, allow one of your group of shoppers to challenge the winner to a fist fight for retention of the item.
- Try to find and push over an innocent person, preferably elderly and/or in a mobility device and/or pregnant, then once they are on the ground and helpless try to jump over them. (Stampede Simulation.)
- Knock over at least one merchandise display.
- Grab a brand new Playstation 3 and go to the electronics counter and yell as loudly as you can, “I’m only paying $48.88 for this!”
- If security tries to intervene at any point, kick them in the nards.
- Have a laptop throwing contest. Longest toss wins a six-piece order of Chicken McNuggets or, for a limited time only, the holy grail of fast food, the McRib. Remember that official Olympic rules for this sport state: “The laptop is thrown from a circle with a diameter of 2.5 meters.” No cheating!
- Pat each other down and beat the shit out of anyone who isn’t packing at least one fully-loaded firearm.
- Bring along your own “security” person and try to pepper spray and tazer everyone in your group!
- Bonus idea: Hide poop around the store to sabotage other shoppers!