Tag Archives: wake

It Was Almost Like A Song

I'm not going to lie to you. This image has nothing to do with this post except it will one day be framed and placed in front of a funeral home.

I’m not going to lie to you. This image has nothing to do with this post except it will one day be featured at a funeral home in place of my face for my Wake Me Up Before You Go Go. I will remain anonymous to the bitter end.

Nothing too heavy today…

And, regarding my beloved chemical suit, I leave that to … what? Are you kidding me? None of you get that. I’m taking it with me. Bury me in it!
The Last Will and Testament of Tom B. Taker, Chapter 1, Section A, Article 1

As most of you know, I have been busy most of the last few decades planning my wake. A wise man in a Stephen King movie once said, “Get busy living or get busy dying” and I took to that advice to heart like a leading a guru to tequila and telling him not to drink.

Of course this planning primarily took the form of picking out songs that participants (guests? attendees? celebrants? wakers? invitees? z-list celebs?) would, at least once, get to enjoy my eclectic taste in music.

I thought it was a pretty good plan. Besides, nothing pleases me more than the thought of people coming together to remember my life and having to listen to some random songs while they are left to ponder, “What the hell is this crap supposed to convey to us about Tom?” Ha ha ha! Suffer!

Then, this week, in the name of research, I attended the memorial service for a gentleman I knew and I thought to myself, “See? This is what happens when you fail to plan and allow your loved ones to pick the music on your behalf.”

Actually, I didn’t really know the man that well. He was the father of one friend and the husband of another. After attending the service I have to say I regret not knowing him better. He was a great guy, the kind who would give away the shirt off his back, always with a warm smile at the ready, and the sort who could cheer people up even when the chips were down.

I also knew him from the liquor store where he seemed friendly enough as he handed me bottle after bottle for several years before he got sick. See? We just went full circle. From tequila to the liquor store and back again. That’s what this guru calls the circle of life.

This post will document the set list that was used to send this soul on its way back home.
Continue reading →

Scream Within A Dream

ledDimly I slowly become aware that I’m no longer asleep. When did that happen? I’m not really sure. My eyes become imperceptible slits just enough to perceive a bit of the world external to my body. That level of activity in my eyeballs takes an amazing amount of effort. Holy shit it’s dark. I suddenly realize I am curious. The burning question in my mind is obvious: What time is it? I pierce through an entirely new level of consciousness and become aware my body is in the wrong position if I ever hope to see the clock. What an incredible perception on my part. Some time later I realize this means I’m going to have to physically move if I’m ever going to obtain an answer to my question. Continue reading →

The Rage Against The Machine alarm clock

Those of you who have dared (to waste your time) and look at my id page may have noticed that there is seemingly no limit to the number of titles I’m willing to shamelessly apply to myself.

One of those titles is “inventor.” No, not in a literal inventing sense of the word. Much like scientists will often engage in thought experiments I also like to have my fun. I guess you could say I engage in thought inventions. These are things that are “invented” (note the air quotes) but only in my head. They never exist unless made my someone smarter than me who has much more energy. Basically I just sit a lot.

Are we there yet? No!

Yes, I’m the guy who invented Google Windshield. This is a augmented reality app that is displayed on the windshield of your car as a heads-up display. Yeah, just like the fancy technology that was previously enjoyed exclusively by heroic fighter pilots. It’s an amazing powerful app that can answer questions like, “Are we there yet?” If you want to know if you’ve arrived at your destination just ask Google Windshield to display your trip’s progress bar. There is your answer in graphical form. “36 percent? Aw, what the hell?”

It can do fancier things, too. Ever see a mountain far off in the distance and get curious about it? Just point at it and Google Windshield will tell you more about it than you ever wanted to know.

Another gadget I invented I call the Mobile Serenity Enhancer. This device is worn just like a wristwatch. What does it do? It is a mobile phone jammer that finally allows you live your life in peace. Going to the movies? Just sit in the center of the movie theater and activate your own personal jamming field. The 75′ radius will ensconce you in a peaceful “circle of silence” for the next 2-3 hours. Sure, the idiots will punch their little buttons but nothing will happen. Eventually they’ll give up and those little glowing screens will go bye-bye. And no incoming calls, either! Mobile Serenity Enhancer works equally well in tons of other locations like the office, restaurants, walking down the street, standing in line at the grocery store and much, much more!

The real announcement for today, however, is the Rage Against The Machine Alarm Clock. This state of the art beauty is designed to take you from blissful slumber to a ready state of alertness in no time at all. Are you overly in love with the snooze button? RATM AC is here to help!

Our patented Morning Escalation Awakening Technology (MEAT) will wake you up in style at the pace that is right just for you.

Here now is an overview of our cascading snooze progression that can greet you every morning but only if you act now!

Initial Alert: “Ah, shit!!!” Our researchers have found that this is the optimal message to get most self-starters right out of bed on the first try.

First Snooze Alert: “Who controls the past now controls the future!” You’ve now slacked off for nine whole minutes but this is still a great way to greet the day that the Lord hath made. Get your lazy ass out of bed now, before it is too late, and you can still control your own future!

Second Snooze Alert: “Come on! Ugh! Wake up! Wake up! Wake up! Wake up!Okay! Seriously. It’s been 18 minutes. Play time is over. You’re probably already late for something important. It is now time for a more direct approach.

Third Snooze Alert: “And now you do what they told ya!This alert is repeated 11 times then looped without end. Perhaps the time has come for you to evaluate why you even set an alarm in the first place? Presumably to satisfy the requirements of some external forces that have been placed upon you. Yes, you have free will, but if you exercise that free will inappropriately (like not getting out of bed) there will be consequences. After 27 minutes it is time to flip your feet on the floor and do what they told ya.

Fourth Snooze Alert: “Pistol grip pump on my lap at all times!!!” Really? You’re still snoozing after 36 minutes of RATM bombardment in hi-fidelity stereo? The time for direct threats is at hand. This is the alarm clock’s final warning that you are about to be shot if you fail to get up. Every unit comes equipped with a pistol grip pump in a secret compartment. Arise NOW!

The Final Snooze Alert: “Fuck you, I won’t do what you tell me! Motherfucker! Uggh!” 45 minutes. You are truly a world-class snoozer. Stop your grinnin’ and drop your linen. Time’s up. Prepare to die. 🙂

Congratulations on the purchase of your Rage Against The Machine Alarm Clock. You are either now wide awake and ready to seize the day or you’ve been shot sleeping in your bed. Either way our product has done its job!